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  1. malign
    Latest Entry

    Whenever I post a blog entry that isn't entirely positive, people quite reasonably respond that it's quite reasonable for me to feel that way.

    But I don't feel quite reasonable about it.  I know what reasonable is, what reality is.  But I don't have to like it.

    Isn't that the definition of suffering, not liking what is real?  Eh, maybe not.  More like, not accepting what is real;  liking is something else and totally up to the individual.  But not accepting is like one of my favorite expressions, peeing into a gale.  The wind doesn't stop, and you end up needing a change of clothes.

    I've spent a lot of my life trying to convince myself I'm reasonable.  Probably because I'm a Thinking type, according to Myers-Briggs.  Doesn't mean I always think, but that I try to convince myself that I've always thunk.  The reality is closer to being ruled by my emotions, then pretending they make sense according to circumstances.  Why would my feelings make (that kind of) sense, or for that matter, why would circumstances, reality, make sense by my limited human standpoint?

    If I were to believe that the Universe makes sense according to my understanding, it would mean that I effectively control it, limit it to the set of events that I'm prepared to accept.  Okay, I have a healthy, or possibly even an unhealthily large, ego, but it's not big enough to believe that my definition of acceptability plays any role in restraining the Universe from doing whatever the [expletive] it wants.

    It appears that the only reasonable thing to do is to admit that I'm not going to find the Universe to be entirely reasonable.

  2. I feel suicidal a lot these days. Something little can make me start thinking about hurting myself and that there is no point. My friend is worried about me and I dont want to bother her. Last two months were stressful, but I had more stressful days in the past, but now I feel suicidal and I dont know why.

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    Recent Entries

    Laney girl
    Latest Entry

    can someone help me out here? i just had a cutting episode and i feel really bad about myself. I also feel pretty guilty and i dont really know who to talk to about this because i dont want my mom to freak out and i dont really like my therapist so idk if i want to talk to her about it. I dont really know but could anyone give me some advice of any kind??? thank you

  3. So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back.

    This time will be different, though, because I know how I did it before. Doing the exact same thing may not work this time, because I have changed as a person, but I now know my mind better and I know how to work with it, somewhat.

    The urge to drink is intense. Not for one or two, but to get so blacked out drunk that I don't wake up for 3 days. I've never dealt with an upset like this before without drinking, so the urge is understandable. I don't see how my self destruction would help anyone, though, so I keep going, hoping to get better at some point.

    This is my personal blog, so I have talked about my own reaction, but I want to be clear this issue is not all about me. I wasn't directly affected; I know some folks in Orlando but all are safe, but as a gay male I can only see this as an attack on "my" community and of course I take that personally. If you were affected by the shootings, know that my heart is with you and so are those of the rest of the community including straight allies.

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    Recent Entries

    JaiJai
    Latest Entry

    Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!  

    So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.   

    After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.   

    My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.  

     

    So life has been busy, but enjoyable.  

     

    Those are the big things-  

    What's been going on in you're lives?  

     

     

     

  4. Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying! 

    Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard. 

    But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺

    Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway ?

  5. What I learned at EST

    Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs. 

    The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.  

    By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed.  To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself. 

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