So, here I am back on the site, after my second semester.
One of the things that brings me back is the perception of having lost something.
I have checked in, on occasion; sometimes run updates or whatever; read some posts that I thought might be interesting. So why has it been so hard to post anything?
Part of it is a kind of fatigue. The program I'm in is very "stretching"; it makes you ask yourself over and over whether you're sure of things you've believed most of your li
So, after a long hiatus (Latin for gap, and not for what it sounds like), I think it's time I resumed using this thing.
For a long time, I think I was put off by the fact that I have friends. That is, it felt like writing here was a performance, for people I already knew would approve. Not much challenge in that, and because I wanted them to continue to approve, even some incentive to be circumspect, to include only the good stuff.
When approval starts to be an issue, you get dissoci
can someone help me out here? i just had a cutting episode and i feel really bad about myself. I also feel pretty guilty and i dont really know who to talk to about this because i dont want my mom to freak out and i dont really like my therapist so idk if i want to talk to her about it. I dont really know but could anyone give me some advice of any kind??? thank you
Twue Wuv!
Okay, so I can't do this without quoting The Princess Bride, maybe because I'm wearing a mask and a tiny Dread Pirate Roberts mustache, or maybe because my head is lolling around from just having been resuscitated ...
But I'm getting married tomorrow! :-)
That's been the plan, ever since I moved up here a couple of years ago to be with her, but up until now, it had seemed better to put it off. For one thing, my previous marriage was not a picnic, much less twue wuv, so
So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back.
This time will be differe
Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately. Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way. Got some forward momentum here too. Yay!
So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.
After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.
My
I know I have not been very active on this site lately. There was some discussion of this in the Announcements thread introducing me as a new moderator, but I thought I would add more detail here. The blog feels like a more appropriate place for this, and that way I don't feel like I'm cluttering up an announcement thread with a whole wall of text.
I have made massive progress in the past year or two in learning to stop beating myself up. I'm starting (just barely) to accept who and what
So, if the outcome is out of your hands, how (or what) do you keep on trying?
The application for grad school was due May 15, and I sent mine in almost a month early. However, I still haven't heard, which probably doesn't mean very much because they would have to wait for any late submissions, and it's only been a week and a half since the deadline.
But ... it leaves me with what I'm supposed to be doing in the meantime. There are plenty of things that I could be doing that would be
So life has been going pretty well for me. I am on the right combo of meds and taking them as directed. I am taking steps to become more socially engaged in life. My job is very high stress but I do love the work, plus working inside is nice. I'm grateful to even have a job in the first place in this economy. I have some first world problems, most notably addiction. I haven't drank in over four months now, but two months ago I started smoking weed because: a - I qualify for a medical card, meani
Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying!
Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but ho
Well, since the Universe sneezed on my attempt to post a lengthy entry yesterday, I will now give the abridged version.
I've been avoiding posting on my blog, and elsewhere on the site too, largely because I've been going through a process of my own which has made me feel less authoritative in what I might say. What I want to apologize for is the belief that anything else I've ever posted really was authoritative, in some way. If I can't be comfortable being as
What I learned at EST
Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs.
The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.
By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is
Maybe this is just normal ups and downs, but I am way down right now. Keep thinking about suicide although I have no intent of going through with it. Wondering if I should call a crisis line anyway. No particular external stressors, actually things are going fine for me, nonetheless these feelings make it like I am going through some intensely distressing times.
I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im tryin
The days go by so fast, part of me is wondering if the days get shorter the older i get. It dont seem like my little one was born that long ago, yet next week she will be 18 months old. My little bundle of joy is now a fully fledged toddler who is desperately trying to learn how to jump, and can almost do it now, watching her determination truely makes my heart smile.
Am due for us to be moved on again in the next week or two, must admit that i am finding it a tad daunting, but also kinda h
I'm getting better and have been doing really well lately. Less isolation, more exercise, stopped drinking (again). Sobriety is my focus right now, because drinking messes everything else up. I can either have the things that I value, or alcohol. It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is. Even though it's threatening to kill me, I really really love drinking. I don't love hangovers though. I don't enjoy the panic attacks that follow a day of drinking, and the two days of lost productivity that I
I know its been a while since i last visited here - ooops! Life kinda takes over sometimes. Bebe is now 14 months and walking, even if somewhat wobbly and has well and truely mastered the art of wrapping me round her little fingers Its been a hectic past six months, Bebe and I relocated down south (where its loads warmer) a few months or so ago. Still trying to find my way around the area, but i dont get lost that often now, so its all good. Hope that my friends here are all ok as they can be.
I feel totaly numb. I dont want to go out and even going to university seems too much. Im tired of everything and I dont see reason why
I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myse
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