Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Blogs

 

Momentum

Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!   So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.    After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.    My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.     So life has been busy, but enjoyable.     Those are the big things-   What's been going on in you're lives?        

JaiJai

JaiJai

 

Posting Dilemma

I know I have not been very active on this site lately.  There was some discussion of this in the Announcements thread introducing me as a new moderator, but I thought I would add more detail here. The blog feels like a more appropriate place for this, and that way I don't feel like I'm cluttering up an announcement thread with a whole wall of text. I have made massive progress in the past year or two in learning to stop beating myself up.  I'm starting (just barely) to accept who and what I am, flaws and all. As a perfectionist, I find this to be a difficult thing to do, but I prefer it over the alternative, which is rejecting myself until I meet some artificial standard that I set up for myself in the hope of gaining approval from others. I'm also experimenting with not giving a lot of weight to what others think of me. That does not imply that I reject social norms (I'm actually rather conventional from most points of view), but rather I am allowing myself to be me, rather than trying to make sure everyone likes me.  If someone dislikes me, at least the are disliking the genuine me, rather than being kind of meh with some fake version of myself.  This is so freeing, but nonetheless I still drop back into my comfort zone of being invisibly neutral whenever I forget to consciously work on it. I wish I could share this with others, but I had to do a lot of hard work to get here. It took many months of practice and hours of sitting with discomfort, trying out new behaviors (along with new medications, yuck!), and disputing irrational thoughts. I am still not a master of this skill, but I am gradually learning to make friends with my own suffering, and not add to it by layering on additional meanings which are only projections of my reactions to past events I can't let go of.  I definitely have improved, but there is still more work to do. I'm not a good enough writer to be able to package this up in a way that communicates to others how to do what I did. That's why I don't really post that much, which on reflection probably shows I've still got some perfectionism left to deal with. However, I don't want to say something that causes more harm than good. Given my personality quirks it is easy to take something I say the wrong way, and hear something unkind when I did not mean it that way. In 3d land, (aka IRL or "outside") I am also very quiet for the same reason. OTOH I don't see how my silence helps others, so I could experiment with being more active. Just writing this out literally made me sweat, so this causes some degree of nervousness on my part. I could view this as a good thing, another opportunity to get out of my comfort zone. If you have managed to read all this, thank you. I would love your input as to this dilemma. What would you rather see from me - more postings that potentially could be taken the wrong way, but potentially could offer support or understanding, vs being quiet and only stepping in to "referee"?

Ralph

Ralph

 

So, define "trying"

So, if the outcome is out of your hands, how (or what) do you keep on trying? The application for grad school was due May 15, and I sent mine in almost a month early.  However, I still haven't heard, which probably doesn't mean very much because they would have to wait for any late submissions, and it's only been a week and a half since the deadline. But ... it leaves me with what I'm supposed to be doing in the meantime.  There are plenty of things that I could be doing that would be helpful, no matter which way their decision goes (and I don't really think I won't get in;  I just fear it a little.) But I seem to be metaphorically holding my breath, for some reason.

malign

malign

 

Sober.... Not sober(?)

So life has been going pretty well for me. I am on the right combo of meds and taking them as directed. I am taking steps to become more socially engaged in life. My job is very high stress but I do love the work, plus working inside is nice. I'm grateful to even have a job in the first place in this economy. I have some first world problems, most notably addiction. I haven't drank in over four months now, but two months ago I started smoking weed because: a - I qualify for a medical card, meaning I can do it legally under state law if I follow the rules, and b -  I don't have a "problem" with weed. I don't increase the dose until I pass out the way I do with alcohol. I still feel like it's an addiction, though. I have yet to list out the pros and cons, but on the surface it bothers me that I haven't gone one day without it in over two months. I try to just skip it, but when night time comes around and I can't sleep, that bong is just too convenient to leave alone. Even just thinking about it now I am having a hard time imagining going without it, but I don't want that to be the only outlet I have for relaxing and getting to sleep. I'm also dead scared this thing is going to spiral out of control the way my drinking did. I guess I'm a little gunshy. I know weed isn't necessarily addictive and I think there are folks who use it for spiritual purposes and don't have any bad effect from it. I am starting to doubt that I am that type of person - it's more likely that I am just using it to escape and that is a path to addiction. I wish I could just be present with myself. This shit would be so much simpler that way.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Found my magic wand! - not really! Dont need one after all ☺

Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying!  Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard.  But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺ Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway ?

SweetSue

SweetSue

 

Keep On Trying

Well, since the Universe sneezed on my attempt to post a lengthy entry yesterday, I will now give the abridged version. I've been avoiding posting on my blog, and elsewhere on the site too, largely because I've been going through a process of my own which has made me feel less authoritative in what I might say.  What I want to apologize for is the belief that anything else I've ever posted really was authoritative, in some way.  If I can't be comfortable being as questionable as the next person, I probably shouldn't be posting.  ;-) So, part of the process alluded to above has been taking my own belief in authority, my ego, down a notch or two (again -- egos tend to need frequent adjustment.)  I'm learning, and that's a positive thing.  I'm also in the process, for real this time, of applying for a Master's in Counseling Psych, which will probably induce numerous other ego adjustments when and if I get in. All the learning I've done (deliberately) before has been scientific and/or technical, with the accompanying (relative) certainty that there's only one correct answer.  With humans, about the only certainty is that there are no uniquely right answers, and quite often it seems that there are several right answers that the individual adopts one after the other. What that makes me (or a certain part of me) is:  afraid.  I'm good at certainty.  Will I be even adequate with the variety that makes humans what they are?  I guess we'll have to see.

malign

malign

 

What I learned in EST

What I learned at EST Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs.  The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.   By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed.  To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself. 

Victimorthecrime

Victimorthecrime

 

slide

Maybe this is just normal ups and downs, but I am way down right now. Keep thinking about suicide although I have no intent of going through with it. Wondering if I should call a crisis line anyway.  No particular external stressors, actually things are going fine for me, nonetheless these feelings make it like I am going through some intensely distressing times.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Im worthless

I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

unknown as yet

The days go by so fast, part of me is wondering if the days get shorter the older i get. It dont seem like my little one was born that long ago, yet next week she will be 18 months old. My little bundle of joy is now a fully fledged toddler who is desperately trying to learn how to jump, and can almost do it now, watching her determination truely makes my heart smile. Am due for us to be moved on again in the next week or two, must admit that i am finding it a tad daunting, but also kinda hoping it will be ok and not affect Bebe too much. It will be nice to have somewhere we can call our home especially as we have now spent half her life hiding away in refuge. We can just be us, and that is something ive been looking forward too for so long now. just hope i dont screw things up, or have my history repeat itself, like i know it has a habbit of doing...........

SweetSue

SweetSue

 

Alright

I'm getting better and have been doing really well lately. Less isolation, more exercise, stopped drinking (again). Sobriety is my focus right now, because drinking messes everything else up. I can either have the things that I value, or alcohol. It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is. Even though it's threatening to kill me, I really really love drinking. I don't love hangovers though. I don't enjoy the panic attacks that follow a day of drinking, and the two days of lost productivity that I spend trying to regain homeostasis following a binge. My drinking had really gotten out of control. I used to say my drinking was ok because it wasn't like I was taking down an entire fifth (750mL) of vodka in a night. Well I blew past that benchmark taking down a handle (1.75L) in two nights with some beer besides. I'm doing a web course that's based on proven methods for stopping addiction. I feel different about alcohol now. During prior quit attempts I would have obsessive cravings for alcohol that happened over and over again. Since starting this course, I've only had a few passing thoughts in a day. I just don't think about it as much. I'm busy thinking about other things, such as my future with my partner and I'm trying to be more self disciplined. I need to be self disciplined in order to lose the weight that I gained from heavy drinking over the past year. Next I need to work on my diet and my procrastination habit. I'm also studying Buddhism a lot and that is helping me with my depression. It's difficult to explain but I've gotten better at accepting what I cannot change and more compassionate towards myself and others. This leaves me with more peace in my mind. I cannot say how long this will last, but I want to enjoy it while it does.

Ralph

Ralph

 

been a while

I know its been a while since i last visited here - ooops! Life kinda takes over sometimes. Bebe is now 14 months and walking, even if somewhat wobbly and has well and truely mastered the art of wrapping me round her little fingers Its been a hectic past six months, Bebe and I relocated down south (where its loads warmer) a few months or so ago. Still trying to find my way around the area, but i dont get lost that often now, so its all good. Hope that my friends here are all ok as they can be. Take care x

SweetSue

SweetSue

 

numb

I feel totaly numb. I dont want to go out and even going to university seems too much. Im tired of everything and I dont see reason why

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

Poisons

I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myself out of this before it reaches that point.

Ralph

Ralph

[[Template blog/front/browse/indexGridEntry is throwing an error. This theme may be out of date. Run the support tool in the AdminCP to restore the default theme.]]
[[Template blog/front/browse/indexGridEntry is throwing an error. This theme may be out of date. Run the support tool in the AdminCP to restore the default theme.]] [[Template blog/front/browse/indexGridEntry is throwing an error. This theme may be out of date. Run the support tool in the AdminCP to restore the default theme.]] [[Template blog/front/browse/indexGridEntry is throwing an error. This theme may be out of date. Run the support tool in the AdminCP to restore the default theme.]]
[[Template blog/front/browse/indexGridEntry is throwing an error. This theme may be out of date. Run the support tool in the AdminCP to restore the default theme.]]
 

Forgotten Purpose

I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand. Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, guess I need to give it more time. I'm concerned about this because there is only so long this can go on before I do start having thoughts of escape. I'm doing everything in my power to reverse it, though, including this journal entry. I wish I knew what I was here for, so that I could just get it done and over with. Why is this so hard to figure out?

Ralph

Ralph

 

I dont trust people

Today was awful day.My brother went completely crazy and he hurt my mother and kicked me at the stomach and now my stomach hurts a lot.I just cant take this anymore

Andromeda

Andromeda

×