Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Blogs

 

An eye to the future

Perhaps the most consistent and consequential error of my life has been failing to look to the future. I get very caught up in the drama, misery, inertia and fleeting pleasures of today without regard to tomorrow. When you don't feel that drive, that hunger, it is hard to gaze at the horizon and envision a better day. A big factor is accepting that good things can happen, that it won't all be wasted effort.
 

aaaack

So I was cruising along and whomp! life hit me. Normal ups and downs? Maybe. But I'm really struggling right now. I don't feel right, it feels like my thoughts are bizarre, or reality is bizarre and I'm normal; I don't know which. I just know there seems to be a me "out there" that doesn't much resemble the me "in here." Does that make any sense? No sliding towards suicidal ideation as would be my normal pattern. I believe I have the meds to thank for that, but I see my own train of thoughts and I think, "that is not me. That is someone else." Yet who else could it be. I've fallen down a rabbit hole. Hope I haven't already lost my head. --Update 5/3/2015 - problem solved with mindfulness. Specifically catching the thought that was causing the worry and checking it against reality. Details in comment.

Ralph

Ralph

 

The Power of Not Caring

Sometimes not caring feels so good. Today was one of those days. I truly don't care. It's not like I want anything bad to happen, I just don't care if it does. Same goes for good things. Don't care either way. Because it's all bullshit and none of it matters. It's a very freeing attitude and brought me right into the moment. People get you to care and that's how they hook you. Not anymore...

Victimorthecrime

Victimorthecrime

 

Getting past the past

Why is it so hard to get a new start? Why do feel chained to the past? Why am I always worried? How come just living each day is so hard? Are some people just cursed? Are some people not meant for happiness? Here are a few things I felt good about today: I got my 20 year old lawn mower started, I went for a slow jog, i did isometrics, I are red pepper and spinach, I took vitamins, i ran errands, had coffee w a friend at a new shoppe that I found that we both liked, I didn't do anything stupid like get drunk or a confrontation, fooled around on the internet, listened to the satellite radio, read a some of a novel, I was not ill except a bit of stomach queasiness and felt ever so slightly dizzy once, and I counted a small amount of cash I have saved in a drawer and my bills are paid. I tried to apply Castaneda's advice to move my assemblage point but did not get upset when I failed as I have no idea what it is or how to do it. The effort did seem to improve my mood as I just took it to mean change your attitude.

Victimorthecrime

Victimorthecrime

 

Getting Better

Just wanted to say hi to everyone who reads this. I haven't been around in a while because I've been doing pretty well. After recovering from a deep depression back in November, I am still dealing with some depression, but managing it. I'm also doing modules on ADHD with my therapist that are really difficult for me, but it seems to be helping with a lot of my tendencies toward not getting stuff done and not being organized. I'm also taking steps to make my long distance relationship a short distance one. This is causing stress, but it's also giving me something to look forward to. It's scary and exciting at the same time. The best thing I've done for myself is to go sober. Alcohol was driving so much of my depression and anxiety that it's like a whole new world has opened up for me when I don't self-medicate. It hasn't resolved all of my issues, but it's the difference between swimming with and without ankle weights. I still have to work to keep my head above water, but at least I don't have something extra trying to drag me down. Not that I've been perfectly sober, and actually I had one really bad binge recently that I'm trying to use as an extra reminder of why I should leave that stuff alone. I used to not be that bad, but now it's like once I start I won't stop until I run out or get massively sick. So the solution is just not to start in the first place. It would be so nice to be able to unwind & relax with a beer like I did before a problem developed, but now that leads to anxiety and more cravings. Plus it's a bunch of extra calories I don't need. The other thing I've been working on is setting and accomplishing goals. Getting just one step closer to a goal gives me a good feeling that keeps me motivated. Nothing big like "lose 20 lbs," or "organize the apartment," but small stuff like "eat healthy one day a week," and "check the mail regularly." Hopefully the small stuff will lead to bigger stuff as I get better. That's the intent, at least.

Ralph

Ralph

 

The Box Tender

Once there was a man who was a box tender. Now, you might not think that boxes need much tending, and in a sense, you'd be right. Individually, a box is fairly self-sufficient and well suited to its basic function, which is to enclose something. But in large groups, the situation becomes more complicated. When there are different boxes, you have to keep the different kinds separate. You have to keep them lined up in neat little rows, with their labels facing out so people know which box they want. Still, you might think, what's the problem? Boxes don't move around, so just do it once and you'll never need to do it again. But that's where you would be wrong: though no one ever sees them move by themselves, somehow every day when the man came to work, the boxes would be all messed up again. If the man had needed further proof of the concept of entropy, that things naturally tend toward disorder, he would have been able to prove it just from his observations of the boxes. So the man's day was divided between coaxing the boxes back into their proper locations, and helping people find just the box they needed. This too was a more complicated task than you might think, because people frequently asked for boxes that the man had never seen before, or that he remembered seeing but had forgotten where. Often, the man was reduced to searching in likely places, which of course the people could have done all by themselves if they had wanted to. And, sometimes, the man came across a dead box, torn and discarded carelessly, or tucked in carefully behind other boxes, as if embarrassed to be seen in that state. The man always grieved at the waste, and then disposed of the remains in a respectful way. The result, in the long run, was that the man became very discouraged. Boxes, after all, rarely express gratitude for the efforts of their tenders. The people might thank him for helping them find their box, but not for all the work it took to keep the boxes tidy and separate. In fact, the people didn't seem to care about the boxes at all; for them, boxes were just a means to an end, just a shell for their contents. {To be continued, once I know what happens.}

malign

malign

 

Dunno

I am not sure what the point of this post is, except for some reason I feel like I need to do an update. Past couple months have been ok, not great but not terrible. More than I deserve to ask for so I'll take it. The good was visiting my partner and I also seem to be making some progress on a previously intractable problem at work. The bad is that I've relapsed, and I'm reconsidering sobriety, as in, maybe I just can't do this... I'll always be a drunk and if I don't kill myself in a wreck or OD from mixing drugs, then I just might live long enough to destroy my liver. The thing keeping me grounded is that I feel such regret for things I've done while under the influence. I mean, I've had some pretty intense fun making some of those bad decisions, but now my actions are catching up with me and I just have to live with the consequences of my actions. I want to be better than this. Apparently I don't want it that bad, or I would just do it. Instead I write about wanting to do it. It probably doesn't help that I haven't the first clue of what or how to do what I would like to change. I live in a world of fantasy and it's falling apart. I don't know who I am, or what to do, or how to do it. I don't know where I belong, or when it's right to make a change. In other words, I'm completely lost. Shouldn't be a problem for me since I specialize in solving problems. Yeah, everyone's except my own.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Riddle

This riddle came to me around the time I woke up this morning. 1. Find the person with the shortest name. 2. Challenge them to a fight. 3. Wager everything you possess, and all your wisdom and strength. 4. Fight. 5. Lose. This will give you all you desire. How? Answer: The person with the shortest name is "I". Okay, weird, I know, and maybe logically flawed somewhere. But I didn't really "compose" it, it came to me, so I just thought I would put it here and see what folks thought.

malign

malign

 

Gap

Okay, that was rather a longer gap than I prefer ... First news, I guess, is that I got a part time, minimum wage job at the beginning of November at a locally-owned chain of food/everything stores, working in the "hard goods" department, which is basically everything except food and clothing: housewares, hardware, sporting goods, toys ... Needless to say, the toy section of any large store at Christmas time is not the place to learn about the Christmas spirit. It's a bit embarrassing, given what I did before (which is something of an insight into my value system), and besides, even working part time I feel I have less personal time than I did with a regular 9-5 job, partly because it's mostly second shift and partly because the schedule changes every week. There's no way to plan, so I sort of wallow on my days off, trying to adjust. On the bright side, I lost 15 pounds in the first month. :-) You try walking continuously for six or more hours after years at a desk ... Other news? I've been making some progress coming to terms with the events surrounding getting lost when I was six. For one thing, I wonder whether the trauma of my reaction, which was probably deeper than most people receive when getting lost and then found again, might not have been because I suspected that my parents might have wanted to lose me ... Not what you would call a trust-building experience, then. After all, once that idea had taken root, how would you accumulate evidence to the contrary? And, finally, I'm not really any closer to being certain "what I want to do with my life", though I'm more certain that it isn't work for minimum wage any longer than I have to. Hey, there's a normal feeling! :-)

malign

malign

 

Everything is wrong

I just want to sleep and stop thinking about me,my family.Im just so tired.Its like I dont live,because I feel so lonely and worthless.I dont feel like myself anymore.

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

Back to Work

I am continuing to improve following my little crisis. Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm a little nervous about that, but the longer I wait, the worse the nervousness will get. Not sure how to explain myself to coworkers, can't very well state the truth as people will not understand. Just have to hold my head up and get through it somehow. Monitoring how I feel very closely. Denial of what was going on inside me is what got me into a crisis state in the first place.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Up again, down again

I just cause problems for the people I am staying with. I think after about a week they are just sick of me. I should go away from everyone. Nobody can stand me and I can't stand the loneliness. So the solution is for me to just stop my existence. It's not fair that everyone gets to yell at me for any screw up I do, but if I complain about anyone else's screw up that affects me, well, I am just being a jerk. I don't want to play any more. Society does not need me. I should just drop out. There is no point to all this suffering.

Ralph

Ralph

 

.........

I want to scream and cry,but I cant.I cant show emotions.Thats why I want to self harm,but I really dont want to start again

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

Down

I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted with that side of myself. Yet I cannot change the past. I do stupid things when I drink, even stupider things when I drink and take cocaine. That's why I am quitting. There are many reasons, but this is one of the bigger ones. This is a problem because the guilt over what I know is inside me is seeping out to other areas of my life. I'm not as patient as I was just a few months ago. I've turned from someone who loves to smile into an irritable grump who is quick to complain and I'm constantly judging my situation as this is good, that is bad, and so on. I try not to judge people, but that doesn't always stop me. I'm even driving more aggressively - it's like I don't know myself. That creates tremendous anxiety, and I'm afraid that this anxiety will become something I try to escape by behaving badly again. I don't want that. I don't want to go to that place again.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Been A While

Gosh how time goes by without realising it! A LOTTTTT has happened this past 6 months or so. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!!!! Ive been stable and off medication, since March Managed to get the perfect job, and hold it down - shock horror! Then in July I found out I was pregnant - again. a bit of a shock to say the least, especially as just 8 weeks later I gave birth - to the most beautiful little girl . So now Im on maternity leave. It was real scarey for a while, whilst Social Services assessed me, to see if I was able to keep the baby. Thankfully I was deemed fit and capable, and with their support and monitoring Ive been allowed to be a full time mum to my little bundle. My little one is now 5 weeks old, and growing fast. Gotta say Ive never been happier or more settled. Guess it just goes to show, just how much life can change - and occasionally its for the better!

SweetSue

SweetSue

 

Choosing Sanity

So I am up to 19 weeks sober and feeling pretty good about that. I'm making progress with re-learning how to take care of myself, and that is helping me maintain a state where I don't feel like I need substances to escape. For now I seem to be on an upward spiral, which is the end result of some months and years of effort to get better. Which to me, was not a choice, I could only get better or remain miserable. I had to take the chance or my suffering would go nowhere and do nobody any good. I still struggle with momentary thoughts of suicide, and vast streams of negative thoughts that are just part of my personal experience. We all have our challenges; this happens to be one of mine. Through meditation I have learned not to identify with these thoughts, and that has made a huge improvement in how I relate to my internal world as well as the external one. I think it is possible to choose to get better. The problem is this takes a lot of work, and in a depressed or anxious state, all that work seems overwhelming so we switch off and throw our hands up, exclaiming that "it's impossible with this horrible depression/anxiety/bipolar/(fill in your diagnosis here)!" Yes, it feels impossible, but it's not. A brain ruled by cognitive distortions has no idea what is truly possible after some work, patience, and persistence. It is used to giving up at the slightest resistance, but this is just not how the world works. There are setbacks and failures in life, and if we demand that there be none, we are only setting ourselves up for frustration.

Ralph

Ralph

 

No idea

Im tired of everything,everyone and most Im tired of myself.I want just to sleep in my bed and dont go anywhere.Im so angry and I dont even know why.........

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

Mazes

There is a horror movie called Hellraiser that I have watched over and over again. The reason is it fits the feeling in my own mind. Specifically the second one. The first two were masterpieces. The rest of the series, not so much. One of the themes woven through the story is that of desire, agony, and ecstasy. Are they truly different, or are they in the end all the same? Another theme is sympathy for the devil. That is, the main character of the story is a demon called Pinhead, who has an interesting past. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it. Partly I identify with this movie because it feels like getting into my own mind has been like opening a Pandora's box. Inside has been agony, ecstasy, loss, and love. At every turn something changes and I'm not sure why. I'd like to find my way out of this maze, but I'm terrible at finding anything. Especially when that thing is right in front of me. I think I need a meds change, but I'm afraid to talk with doctor, because I don't want to be asked to go on anti-psychotics again. The smallest dose of risperdal made me catatonic. I would lie in bed and do nothing, just stare at the ceiling for hours at a time, maybe get up to eat since it made me so damn hungry. That is, when I wasn't passed out. The zyprexa was not as bad, but still took away all my motivation or interest in life. Using AAPs for depression, in my case, was like fixing an out of tune piano with a sledgehammer. I feel so lost. It's like every time I try to make things better, I just find deeper experiences of despair. I'm always tired, but I rarely sleep. I quit drinking for my health, and found myself obsessed with getting high in some other way. Of course I turn another corner and everything seems fine. I am doing a meditation weekend retreat in a few weeks and I'm sure I'll be happy as a clam after that.

Ralph

Ralph

 

Belonging

I'm still taking a break from alcohol. This is my tenth week without it. I've not been entirely sober during that time, but I'm working on cutting down the other substances too. The more distance I get from alcohol, the more I start to feel like the real "me." My old interests are starting to come back. Just a little, but noticeable. My innate cheerfulness is also starting to come back, which is something I want to cultivate. I used to be super happy when I was a kid. Back then my happiness didn't depend on how others treated me or my material achievements. I had unconditional happiness; I was pretty much okay with whatever came, and I didn't worry about how to survive tomorrow or ten years down the road. What changed had nothing to do with how others treated me, although it does provide a convenient excuse. What really happened is I lost any sense that I belonged in the world, and instead saw myself as a worthless extra piece the world had no use for. This creates an enormous amount of anxiety: feeling that you don't belong, and that there is nowhere that you do belong. In this light it's easy to see my thoughts turning to suicide as a solution, in fact the only solution. Yet I'm fighting this because somewhere in the back of my mind is this intuition that life is precious, not to be wasted. If I want this to change I am going to have to figure out how and where I belong. This is daunting. What do you do when you are overwhelmed with life, the universe, and everything?

Ralph

Ralph

 

Miscellaneous Poem-like Objects (MPOs)

How Far is Away? Seventeen floors over Shinjuku wondering if the glass would break Keeping vigil through the night on loose chairs in Edinburgh Airport When you go that far away from yourself who is it you come back to? ------------------------------------------------------------- Smart Man It's late and the old man is downstairs watching football on the TV, curled sideways in front of his best chair, the way he always drank beer. My mother is sitting behind him, knitting and pretending to watch. She thinks that she cannot be elsewhere, that it's what a good wife should do. We're losing and the Scotsman is yelling crude shit that they called him in youth, rude things 'bout the referee's parents that oddly were true of his own. The rest of us come 'round to make sure that everything's really okay. The old man is smarter than we are, or would be if he weren't so drunk: He yells that we don't need to worry; he's right 'cause he'll soon be asleep.

malign

malign

 

I just cant

I have feeling like Im not controling my life.In home is mess.My mother is crying and my father is always angry,because we dont have money.There is a lot of fights.Even my little brother is not ok.He is starting fights without reason. I have all there exams that I didnt pass,because Im idiot and I cant control my OCD.Im so unsecure and dont know what Im doing .I had thoughts about self-harm,but well I didnt do anything.Im tired of being so weak

Andromeda

Andromeda

 

Everything changes

I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on it.

Ralph

Ralph

 

A Little Something Inspired by an Airplane Ride

We were away for a few days, visiting family, but we're back now. I wrote this in the plane home: Good Head and Shoulders When the world falls away, the ride can get bumpy. But once you're up there, the sky's always clear. The trick to the future is it's made up of presents: don't worry about this one; the next one is here. One step at a time is the only way forward. You only die once; there's nothing to fear.

malign

malign

×