Hmmm, been asked today if I feel ready to go home over christmas for a couple of days....... and honestly - I dont know. I mean, I am doing better of late, and havnt "slipped" or tried to kill myself despite the urges to do so - not sure if thats coz Ive learnt to cope with the urges differently, or if coz of where I am, that its impossible for me to get up to much along those lines. I want to go home - but not as a temporary measure, damn it. The last thing I want to do is screw things up agai
Who am I? Seriously just who the hell am I? IDK. More importantly where the frig am I? And what the lemons am I doing? Ok, so I know my name is Sue, and Im at home, and yep I can see exactly what I am doing and I kinda even really 'know' why I am doing it. Just how did it come to this, get like this. This is all just beyond, way beyond &%^><"*!!! :o
Somedays seem so perfect, things go better than planned and my self expectations are exceeded, things are kept to a level I can cope with - them are the days that a part of me says YAY I can make it through to the next Somedays are just sent to me straight from hell on earth, seriously draining, completely fucked up thoughts - yeah and actions, that push me further back than I thought posible - them are the days when death seems like a bloody good and realistic idea, my only option. And then I
change get better go home = not a hope in hell - and I should know, thats where I am! would like to say hell has its peaceful moments - but yeah im shit outta luck on that score. my happy hellish life - yep, pass me the drugs zonk me out, and if i wake then, why not just inject the heck outta me - its gonna happen anyways - just GO FOR IT. im seriously beyond caring or gaf, huh - go figure idgaf at all. feel like a guinea pig or rat in one of them labs. aint life bloody fantastic
Im feeling calmer, and more leveled out. Im sad, but not overly so. Think I might go to relaxation class, this morning - something I dont usually do, coz too many people, and I get nervous in groups - but I reckon I will give it a try. Things are far from ideal for me presently - However, today feels bearable. Bearable is good
So apparently in hospital they dont like/approove of people tryna kill themself - kinda wierd. It would certainly free up a extra bed. SO I gotta ask how long will it take to be unfucked?, so I can get my f'ked up self out of here - yeah i realise its like saying how long is a bit of string...... They keep tryna talk to me, but so much of me is f'ked I dont know where to begin to tell 'em the whys, the whys arent important, to anyone cept me - dont want the bees to leave the nest...... Screwed
Having one of those days, where the answer to all lifes problems, the answer to the square route of infinity, the answer to every little question no matter how relatively simple - or as in reality, how difficult it may seem to others is - Dunno!!! Sheeze I feel so thick, unstable and feel like I'm about to explode. Maybe if I just hide in here a little longer, I can convince myself that there is no existance beyond this computer screen. But, I know I wont be able to hide here forever, or even an
Been home for a few days now, and I gotta say I'm loving the freedom of making my own decisions once more Its been a wonderful few days, I've kept myself real busy of a daytime, and have gone to therapy and my out patient group. Gone for lovely long walks in the afternoon and pretty much spent my days exactly how I have wanted to spend them.... best of all the sun has been shining and its been lovely and hot. Its good to be home, and even better to sleep in my own bed. Wake up in familiar surr
I have this thing - its called "Stuff" It weighs a ton, and its really rough I constantly carry it everywhere with me I cant allow for anyone to ever see Im scared to put it down at all Yet if I dont, I know I will fall Its burden is too much to bear I say "Oh fuck it I dont care" Take pills so that I can be numb Despite warnings, that it is dumb To stay asleep is all I truely endeaver Be invisable just for now and ever In my heart I know I have had enough. Theres NO cure for this thing called
Things go wrong......... Life is a mess....... The past becomes the present......... Thoughts scare ......... Sounds disturb....... Tears continue to fall......... Pain takes on its own lease of being......... Images become distorted.......... Realms collide.............. Existing is a battle.......... Pieces cant be put back together..... Is it really worth fighting for?
so bloody angry. i wanna scream, shout, rant, rave, vent, punch two frigging holes through the damn windows, hmmm, is this whats called emotionally unstable - no p'frigging'doc its called being pissed off, keep yer meds, shove 'em in any oriface you so desire, probably one in which the sun never shines, and leave me the fuck alone, and let me just sleep today wasnt such a bloody good day afterall :mad:
Guess its been a while since I last visited here, and thought a visit was long overdue Ive been a bit out of things the last few months (or maybe longer, cant remember) but things are getting better - i think Never seem to have much (if any) spare time on my hands these days, parts of me are missing the days of lounging about whinging coz i had nothing to do or worth doing - now its like im on catch up, and cant sit still long enough to enjoy the moments im having. Not grumbling though, things
Coz thats wot I NEED to do to be able to function on any sort of level that I dont keep melting down Infact today is the first time I've even thought about switching on my laptop for a few days (shocking aint it!) Although I've not achieved much of anything really, each day I get up and force myself to stick to some form of scheule (even if it is completely basic for now) Even though I'm really, really tempted each morning to just leave myself switched off from reality, I manage to force (litte
Been here for 4 weeks now - I think. and everything is going wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Im getting by alright enough - somehow. But am not entirely sure whats happening most of the time. Have I mentioned how much I loathe being re-located, sure I must of done at some stage or other, but just incase I havnt - I HATE THIS!!!!! This new place is nice enough and the people friendly, what more can lifes reject ask for? Hmm, maybe Oh, I dunno - breathing space, does that even exsist this day and age? I hav
Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops! Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really. And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im n
Well, the strange thing with plans and me - we are both similar coz both of us are prone to change at the last minute. - yeah well it would'nt be me otherwise now would it Remember when I was pregnant - and I planned whole heartedly to kill myself as soon as I werent? - Remember how I was going to take social services to court?- Remember also how I really planned hard and kicked my ass into gear to get myself a job and sort my flat out, and become one of those responsible grown-up type people
Guess I'm getting there! Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her hea
You know how it goes - a person will say something to you - yet say something entirely different to another, about the same situation. Or act one way to your face - then go right on ahead and stab yer in the back when they THINK that you cant find out - HA, people ALWAYS find out. Its part of human nature - were curious, to seek the truth - whatever that truth may or may not actually be, whether it hurts or not.... ...... And we DO eventually, find this stuff out. ALWAYS !!! Classic example..
Gosh how time goes by without realising it! A LOTTTTT has happened this past 6 months or so. And when I say a lot I mean A LOT!!!! Ive been stable and off medication, since March Managed to get the perfect job, and hold it down - shock horror! Then in July I found out I was pregnant - again. a bit of a shock to say the least, especially as just 8 weeks later I gave birth - to the most beautiful little girl . So now Im on maternity leave. It was real scarey for a while, whilst Social Services ass
Things are looking up. Being in isolation is doing me good. Its a different world to what I am used to, and I'm loving it. Its probably not everyones cup of tea, but its mine I'm feeling loads better, less distractions around to hinder me. Quality time for me to work at self recovery - obviously the aid of medications and being in a extremely controlled environment. Who'da thought it - I'm getting better. I would love to see how everyone is doing but I have limited time with internet access -
Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying!
Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but ho
