this is so difficult - sheeze. sorry if your reading this and thinking WTF!!!. please if you can - try not to judge me, or worse still, please dont laugh at me. this Stuff really isnt funny.
im trying to be brave, its hard though coz the voices kick in so much when ever i try to get certain words out. thats why im typing. hoping that the voices wont get too cross or demanding.
Things go wrong.........
Life is a mess.......
The past becomes the present.........
Thoughts scare .........
Tears continue to fall.........
Pain takes on its own lease of being.........
Images become distorted..........
Existing is a battle..........
Pieces cant be put back together.....
Is it really worth fighting for?
The days go by so fast, part of me is wondering if the days get shorter the older i get. It dont seem like my little one was born that long ago, yet next week she will be 18 months old. My little bundle of joy is now a fully fledged toddler who is desperately trying to learn how to jump, and can almost do it now, watching her determination truely makes my heart smile.
Am due for us to be moved on again in the next week or two, must admit that i am finding it a tad daunting, but also kinda h
Ever thought to yourself I wonder what'll happen if I do this? (whateva it is) Yeah I kinda have those thoughts a lot lately, except instead of letting them stay just passing thoughts, they become my actions...... coz I do it.
Screw all consequences - dont matter anyway - nothing does.
Life is just a sick game afterall - ,gonna die sooner or later anyhow - yeah, preferably sooner. Had enough.
Close my eyes, close my ears, let my heart go for that aviation lesson outta my stupid body- its alre
Its a new day.
Im happy enough, things arent perfect - but then if you dont expect them to be then it saves on any dissapointment.
Work is going so brilliantly, that Im begining to wonder why I never returned sooner - self doubt probably - ever the optimist - thats me
Gotten a challenging couple of days ahead of me. Cant hold onto pipe dreams that everything will turn out fine - the past few week ends have already taught me that one. But I can hold onto the fact that I can control my words e
Ok, so I've been thinking - quite a lot the past few days or so - about how my life has panned out.
Ive come to this conclusion.......
Somewhere along the line (not too sure as to where) I have abandoned 'me'
Ok, so its the middle of the night - not really the ideal time to be blogging - but ya know when something sudenly hits ya - and its like OMG !!!!
Ive thrown my life away - like WTF - but sadly its true.
I am so pissed at myself - how stupid have I been - seriously....
Get married you
OK, its been ages since ive been here or infact since ive been on a computer - but it seems somewhere along the line one of the computers i last used had a virus..... and has been sending out e-mails using my address.
So sorry to anyone who has recieved one of these e-mails, and i hope that they werent too annoying or offensive in anyway.
Gonna try and stop it happening in future - somehow
Gotta love the internet, but some things are just so frustrating i could scream!
Take care all
I have this thing - its called "Stuff"
It weighs a ton, and its really rough
I constantly carry it everywhere with me
I cant allow for anyone to ever see
Im scared to put it down at all
Yet if I dont, I know I will fall
Its burden is too much to bear
I say "Oh fuck it I dont care"
Take pills so that I can be numb
Despite warnings, that it is dumb
To stay asleep is all I truely endeaver
Be invisable just for now and ever
In my heart I know I have had enough.
Theres NO cure for this
Been here for 4 weeks now - I think. and everything is going wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im getting by alright enough - somehow. But am not entirely sure whats happening most of the time.
Have I mentioned how much I loathe being re-located, sure I must of done at some stage or other, but just incase I havnt - I HATE THIS!!!!!
This new place is nice enough and the people friendly, what more can lifes reject ask for?
Hmm, maybe Oh, I dunno - breathing space, does that even exsist this day and age?
Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops!
Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really.
And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im
but then the alternative, isnt any better.
im trying to face what is happening, but its way too much.
call a nurse, request the p'doc, phone a friend - whats the point????
it dont change sweet FA
in the end, here i am. still have to listen to the voices. still see what others say aint there...... still want to die, coz living is far too difficult and painful.
its not a life - its hell
ok, so im gonna have to be this blunt am i ?
STOP sending me PMs - I dont want to hear from you !!!
I especially dont want to hear anymore of your self pitying BS or your lies.
I dont care about dead non existant cats, rats etc.
I dont care that you are hurting.
I dont care that you have resigned as moderator, WGAF im actually supprised you havnt been banned.
You have hurt so many people, with the constant lies you have told. Do you even care about what you have done ? Dont bother answerin
So apparently in hospital they dont like/approove of people tryna kill themself - kinda wierd. It would certainly free up a extra bed. SO I gotta ask how long will it take to be unfucked?, so I can get my f'ked up self out of here - yeah i realise its like saying how long is a bit of string......
They keep tryna talk to me, but so much of me is f'ked I dont know where to begin to tell 'em the whys, the whys arent important, to anyone cept me - dont want the bees to leave the nest......
Somedays seem so perfect, things go better than planned and my self expectations are exceeded, things are kept to a level I can cope with - them are the days that a part of me says YAY I can make it through to the next
Somedays are just sent to me straight from hell on earth, seriously draining, completely fucked up thoughts - yeah and actions, that push me further back than I thought posible - them are the days when death seems like a bloody good and realistic idea, my only option.
Its days like today that I wonder what the heck the universe is playing at. Its barely mid-day and yet already my mood swings have risen and fallen more times than I care to remember or even contimplate.
Tryina keep my head focused on possitive shit - coz well there is still a lot of possitives going on for me in recent months - yet somehow the negatives want to take hold of my world today - damn it all to hell.
My eldest (half [apparently]) sister, has been on a mega txt whinging expedition A
Things have gone a little wrong - maybe its for the best - sheeze only knows what the future holds - not sure i altogether care, its not like things usually go according to my plan anyway - so s'pose this was to be expected.
Reckon ive had better days. Huh, feel free to insert sarcasm, coz at mo Im possitively full of the damn stuff.
Not sure I like therapy - not sure I like work, not even sure if I like anything. Just want it all to rag off and leave me alone to stewper in peace - have I ment
Been home for a few days now, and I gotta say I'm loving the freedom of making my own decisions once more
Its been a wonderful few days, I've kept myself real busy of a daytime, and have gone to therapy and my out patient group. Gone for lovely long walks in the afternoon and pretty much spent my days exactly how I have wanted to spend them.... best of all the sun has been shining and its been lovely and hot.
Its good to be home, and even better to sleep in my own bed. Wake up in familiar su
This ol' life of mine sure does have a sense of humour - so I truely am pleased that i too, can see the funny side of things
I moved last friday, this time to some out in the sticks location - a townie country bumpkin thats me - well i guess thats what I am presently - till I get moved again, which knowing me wont be too much longer - if Im lucky I might be able to stay here a few months atleast. Thats Life!!!
Still happy enough tho' coz I know that theres like loadsa people worse of than me
= not a hope in hell - and I should know, thats where I am!
would like to say hell has its peaceful moments - but yeah im shit outta luck on that score.
my happy hellish life - yep, pass me the drugs zonk me out, and if i wake then, why not just inject the heck outta me - its gonna happen anyways - just GO FOR IT. im seriously beyond caring or gaf, huh - go figure idgaf at all.
feel like a guinea pig or rat in one of them labs.
aint life bloody fantastic
Guess I'm getting there!
Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking
Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her h
Coz thats wot I NEED to do to be able to function on any sort of level that I dont keep melting down
Infact today is the first time I've even thought about switching on my laptop for a few days (shocking aint it!)
Although I've not achieved much of anything really, each day I get up and force myself to stick to some form of scheule (even if it is completely basic for now)
Even though I'm really, really tempted each morning to just leave myself switched off from reality, I manage to force (li
Ive had a really busy insane (in a good way) couple of weeks. And haave learnt lots !!!!
Work is going really well, and shock horror Im even enjoying it
My mood swings have calmed down considerably, still have my hyper moments and really strong urges to be daft, but generally Im managing to control them myself - bar one or two slip ups, this is me though, right?
I go down south to visit various family members of a weekend, and that has been eye opening. Found out so much that I didnt know ab
Things are looking up. Being in isolation is doing me good. Its a different world to what I am used to, and I'm loving it. Its probably not everyones cup of tea, but its mine
I'm feeling loads better, less distractions around to hinder me. Quality time for me to work at self recovery - obviously the aid of medications and being in a extremely controlled environment. Who'da thought it - I'm getting better.
I would love to see how everyone is doing but I have limited time with internet access
so bloody angry. i wanna scream, shout, rant, rave, vent, punch two frigging holes through the damn windows,
hmmm, is this whats called emotionally unstable - no p'frigging'doc its called being pissed off, keep yer meds, shove 'em in any oriface you so desire, probably one in which the sun never shines, and leave me the fuck alone, and let me just sleep
today wasnt such a bloody good day afterall :mad: