ok, so im gonna have to be this blunt am i ? STOP sending me PMs - I dont want to hear from you !!! I especially dont want to hear anymore of your self pitying BS or your lies. I dont care about dead non existant cats, rats etc. I dont care that you are hurting. I dont care that you have resigned as moderator, WGAF im actually supprised you havnt been banned. You have hurt so many people, with the constant lies you have told. Do you even care about what you have done ? Dont bother answering this
it hurts. but then the alternative, isnt any better. im trying to face what is happening, but its way too much. call a nurse, request the p'doc, phone a friend - whats the point???? it dont change sweet FA in the end, here i am. still have to listen to the voices. still see what others say aint there...... still want to die, coz living is far too difficult and painful. exsisting..... its not a life - its hell
this is so difficult - sheeze. sorry if your reading this and thinking WTF!!!. please if you can - try not to judge me, or worse still, please dont laugh at me. this Stuff really isnt funny. im trying to be brave, its hard though coz the voices kick in so much when ever i try to get certain words out. thats why im typing. hoping that the voices wont get too cross or demanding.
I have this thing - its called "Stuff" It weighs a ton, and its really rough I constantly carry it everywhere with me I cant allow for anyone to ever see Im scared to put it down at all Yet if I dont, I know I will fall Its burden is too much to bear I say "Oh fuck it I dont care" Take pills so that I can be numb Despite warnings, that it is dumb To stay asleep is all I truely endeaver Be invisable just for now and ever In my heart I know I have had enough. Theres NO cure for this thing called
So apparently in hospital they dont like/approove of people tryna kill themself - kinda wierd. It would certainly free up a extra bed. SO I gotta ask how long will it take to be unfucked?, so I can get my f'ked up self out of here - yeah i realise its like saying how long is a bit of string...... They keep tryna talk to me, but so much of me is f'ked I dont know where to begin to tell 'em the whys, the whys arent important, to anyone cept me - dont want the bees to leave the nest...... Screwed
Who am I? Seriously just who the hell am I? IDK. More importantly where the frig am I? And what the lemons am I doing? Ok, so I know my name is Sue, and Im at home, and yep I can see exactly what I am doing and I kinda even really 'know' why I am doing it. Just how did it come to this, get like this. This is all just beyond, way beyond &%^><"*!!! :o
When I was a child my prayers were simple, sincere, and murderous - praying everynight, for him to take the life of my parents. Not really a nice thing to do. My prayers went unanswered/unheard for many many years. In the end it wasnt god that heard me - it was mother nature - she was the one that ended their life - I am thankful to her for that.
Ever thought to yourself I wonder what'll happen if I do this? (whateva it is) Yeah I kinda have those thoughts a lot lately, except instead of letting them stay just passing thoughts, they become my actions...... coz I do it. Screw all consequences - dont matter anyway - nothing does. Life is just a sick game afterall - ,gonna die sooner or later anyhow - yeah, preferably sooner. Had enough. Close my eyes, close my ears, let my heart go for that aviation lesson outta my stupid body- its already
Things go wrong......... Life is a mess....... The past becomes the present......... Thoughts scare ......... Sounds disturb....... Tears continue to fall......... Pain takes on its own lease of being......... Images become distorted.......... Realms collide.............. Existing is a battle.......... Pieces cant be put back together..... Is it really worth fighting for?
You know how it goes - a person will say something to you - yet say something entirely different to another, about the same situation. Or act one way to your face - then go right on ahead and stab yer in the back when they THINK that you cant find out - HA, people ALWAYS find out. Its part of human nature - were curious, to seek the truth - whatever that truth may or may not actually be, whether it hurts or not.... ...... And we DO eventually, find this stuff out. ALWAYS !!! Classic example..
I shower, dress, go to work. ..... coz nothing is wrong. I smile, laugh and joke about. ..... coz nothing is wrong. I take a few pills too many, to get me through the day. .....coz nothing is wrong. I hit the bars straight from work. ..... coz nothing is wrong. I swollow drink after drink and gulp down yet more tabs and several pills. ..... coz nothing is wrong. Get hooked up with complete strangers for the evening. ..... coz nothing is wrong. I cant remember who, why, where or exactly how. ....
Its days like today that I wonder what the heck the universe is playing at. Its barely mid-day and yet already my mood swings have risen and fallen more times than I care to remember or even contimplate. Tryina keep my head focused on possitive shit - coz well there is still a lot of possitives going on for me in recent months - yet somehow the negatives want to take hold of my world today - damn it all to hell. My eldest (half [apparently]) sister, has been on a mega txt whinging expedition ALL
My head is on a head fuck mission. I know it is. Shit I am so bloody scewerd the now. I dont get it. Im doing good. Well I reckon I am, but ya know ALL I can think about tonight, is just taking the whole damn fucking pre-script, and have one with it. I dont get it, not sure I am meant to either, just now that it seems 'just' to say a huge ''fuck you'' to the world. Im not even depressed, actually relatively calm - for me at any rate, shit Im even feeling ptetty rational. God only knows what th
Its a new day. Im happy enough, things arent perfect - but then if you dont expect them to be then it saves on any dissapointment. Work is going so brilliantly, that Im begining to wonder why I never returned sooner - self doubt probably - ever the optimist - thats me Gotten a challenging couple of days ahead of me. Cant hold onto pipe dreams that everything will turn out fine - the past few week ends have already taught me that one. But I can hold onto the fact that I can control my words enou
Ive had a really busy insane (in a good way) couple of weeks. And haave learnt lots !!!! Work is going really well, and shock horror Im even enjoying it My mood swings have calmed down considerably, still have my hyper moments and really strong urges to be daft, but generally Im managing to control them myself - bar one or two slip ups, this is me though, right? I go down south to visit various family members of a weekend, and that has been eye opening. Found out so much that I didnt know about
Well, the strange thing with plans and me - we are both similar coz both of us are prone to change at the last minute. - yeah well it would'nt be me otherwise now would it Remember when I was pregnant - and I planned whole heartedly to kill myself as soon as I werent? - Remember how I was going to take social services to court?- Remember also how I really planned hard and kicked my ass into gear to get myself a job and sort my flat out, and become one of those responsible grown-up type people
Do you believe in fairies? I read once when I were small. Dont ask me from what book, I simply cant recall. I remember thinking to myself, Yes, Yes I do !!! Never doubted for a second, for I knew it to be true. Well I read and read, time and time again Stories and fables, that in my heart still remain Tales of Kings, Queens, the rich and the poor Each searching for a life, that they can enjoy once more In a way I see my life as a fairy tale Except, obviously on a smaller scale Im no princess, ce