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Blog Ralph

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Entries in this blog

You know, I do have a cheerful side

Well, sometimes anyway. I know I pretty much just whine in this place but that's because I can't really be honest in meatspace. If people knew how bad I was hurting they'd be repulsed. Nobody wants to hang out with the negative guy. As Morrison rightly observed, faces look ugly when you're alone. On top of that my swings are erratic so people wouldn't be able to figure me out if I didn't give them a predictable pattern. I'm already the "quiet guy" who gets ribbings about being the next one to g

Ralph

Ralph

Yoga > Xanax

Yep. That's what I learned today. Relaxing yoga does more than drugs, which is the holy grail for me - something that does the trick without being a drug. I'm ridiculously tight though. Instructor came over to help me with one of the hamstring stretches and was surprised that I couldn't even get a normal range of motion. Guess I really need a lot of yoga then. It's kind of embarrassing to see myself in the mirror and how ungraceful I am, but can only start where I am. I keep starting and flakin

Ralph

Ralph

working

Today was really strange. Took symbyax earlier in the evening on Thurs hoping to have hangover end earlier tomorrow. Think I achieved opposite effect. Only had 6 hrs of sleep/night since Monday. I went to bed early last night hoping to catch up but I woke up earlier and couldn't get back to bed before it was time to get ready for work. Work is going good and holds some promise for the future. I have been meditating more regularly and that plus not drinking has raised my IQ a bit in that it's ea

Ralph

Ralph

Wooden

so going down on the wellbutrin made me more than a little foggy in the head & I went back up. Exercised some, ate a lot thanks to the Symbyax making me hungrier than a pregnant giraffe and meditated. Still haven't gotten around to calling the counselor I was referred to by the priest. Haven't been practicing, no motivation. Not that I'm waiting to be motivated, but really just getting out the door in the morning is an accomplishment and I think I need to conserve my oomph for getting shit d

Ralph

Ralph

Winners and Losers

There’s a light and a dark side Standing at the crossroads, there we’ll meet There’s prophets and fools there The lies and the truth, will be at our feet I got a reason to turn my head and look the other way Its heaven and hell here, which one will I live today? -Social Distortion The competition between self destruct impulses and work to get better continues. Starting to get a feel for this, i.e., how to ride out the ups and downs without getting too self satisfied with the ups nor beating myse

Ralph

Ralph

wiggle room

I've been needing to remember to give myself that lately. Too much black and white thinking - perfection or unmitigated failure. Starting to think I need to be transitioning off of meds and use things like deep breathing, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. to manage my oversized moods. Meds usually will work for a while and then stop working. Except wellbutrin but according my pdoc, that is the genesis for my panic attacks. Makes sense in that norepinephrine is stimulated by adrenaline but then

Ralph

Ralph

why

i tried to let myself go tonight i pulled myself back then why you need to start to make it stop.

Ralph

Ralph

what is happening

things hurt. I can't say why. I mean they won't let me say and it's a risk just to mention them. I'm feeling chased. Maybe I deserve this. My thoughts are disrupted. I'm normal for a while then bam, it's like what I would imagine is a bad acid trip and then just as suddenly I'm back in real world again. Or is it the real world? I want to do mountains of drugs so that it will make sense that I am this detached from reality. Sober I have no excuse. If I deserve this, then why am I fighting it. I d

Ralph

Ralph

Weird

Very strange thoughts tonight. Paranoia. Taking everything personally. Making connections that don't really connect. Scared to death of cops for no reason. Full of guilt although there are people who have done much worse than me sleeping soundly. Guilt is more around what I didn't do or maybe it's something I did do that was the lesser of two evils at the time. I didn't know any better, but that is no excuse as I know better now and make the same mistakes again. Looking forward to Halloween. It

Ralph

Ralph

waves

Cravings coming in waves. Crescendo... Decrescendo. Felt like drinking today but didn't. My thought process was that I have support now in sobriety. People who celebrate progress. That's the kind of accountability that works. People who try and use accountability as a negative consequence of drinking only motivate me to not get caught, i.e., lie about my use. In SMART recovery most of the talk is about successes we've had. In AA it was all about the crazy stuff people did while drinking. I gues

Ralph

Ralph

Want to get better

I am back on my meds but haven't stabilized yet. Still drinking too much. It was helping me for a while but got to a point where the depression caused by drinking is worse than the depression I feel when not drinking. So now my primary coping mechanism isn't working and I have to find something else. I am staying sober just for today. We'll see if I can keep it going into tomorrow or if I end up changing my mind again. It has been a hard day with a couple times breaking down in tears and havin

Ralph

Ralph

wane

Every once in a while something happens that makes me wonder if someone is watching out for me. I lost some stuff that I had been trying to get rid of, but was still holding onto because of my addiction. I don't know how long it's been gone because I only recently went to throw it out and found it was already taken care of. Anxiety has taken a step down since this happened. Intrusive thoughts are overbearing but I still feel like they are just thoughts - I don't have to listen to them. Nonethel

Ralph

Ralph

waking up

last night only had 2 drinks. Compared to 5-7 for the past couple weeks, this was a decent sized step. Woke up earlier than normal, had scary dreams. Right before waking up I was dreaming about drinking and really wanted a beer for breakfast. This is not normal for me - I normally never drink before lunch time at the earliest. I woke up shivering but neither hot nor cold. Right now I feel really shaky. Sudden twitches in my neck and hands. Feels like I was recently electrocuted with a very low

Ralph

Ralph

Virtuous Circle

Made it through two weekends now without drinking. Trying to quit porn at the same time. Realizing I have a sex addiction. Dammit I get addicted to anything I touch it seems. Actually not everything. Just opiates, alcohol, and sex in general. Looking forward to getting ADHD meds but I'm aware there is a risk of addiction with those too. I can't say it won't happen. Then again my pdoc is aware I had alcohol issues in the past and may refuse to prescribe stims. Or I may grow some self control by t

Ralph

Ralph

Update - Dr. Visit (rant)

Yeah so fuck psychiatry:mad:. I thought a doctor was a teacher; isn't that the root of the word? Docre - to teach. It's in the Oxford English Dictionary. We call professors Dr. too and they don't mind if you ask questions. All I want is to be able to focus on a task at a time. I'll take the depression and tolerate it if I can just get my work done. But this does not seem to matter to the person getting paid $10 a minute to scrawl out prescriptions in her own predetermined order. Oh drug A doesn

Ralph

Ralph

Up again, down again

I just cause problems for the people I am staying with. I think after about a week they are just sick of me. I should go away from everyone. Nobody can stand me and I can't stand the loneliness. So the solution is for me to just stop my existence. It's not fair that everyone gets to yell at me for any screw up I do, but if I complain about anyone else's screw up that affects me, well, I am just being a jerk. I don't want to play any more. Society does not need me. I should just drop out. There i

Ralph

Ralph

Unstable(Trigger)

I feel like I've got my addictions packed away in a little box and stuffed in the back of my closet. I'm not acting on them now, but they are always back there trying to get out. Every time I give in, I regret it. I make a conscious choice sometimes as I did last time to sabotage myself. I remember thinking that recovery is kind of boring, so let's stick our hand on the hot stove just to make sure it can still feel. And the reason is always that I thought it would be good this time, like it was

Ralph

Ralph

unstable

Seems the harder I try to quit alcohol the more scrambled my brains get. It's really hard to focus on anything right now, which is why I haven't been able to write here for a few days. Mood is all over the place from abject despair to optimism that I could get my life together. Either way I've gotten detached from my emotions because they are changing so fast it's like one of those days where it's alternately cloudy and sunny from minute to minute. I am drinking less but can't seem to keep myse

Ralph

Ralph

unfeeling

Been numb for a few days, usually means calm before the storm. Feel like I'm sliding today. Suicidal thoughts, practically used to this by now. Trigger seems to be thinking of the future. Plenty of reasons to worry. Feel better when I find ways to be creative. Seems strange. Used to thinking of creativity as a luxury, or a gift you either have or you don't. Now it's something I have to practice, or else dark thoughts take over. Then again, maybe the dark thoughts have their place. Still ambiv

Ralph

Ralph

Uncomfortably Numb

I don't feel anything at all right now and that is usually the calm before I slide down into the darker cognitive distortions. I thought I was doing so well, except for the morning hangovers from the meds - but at least the impulse to self destruct was gone. Now I care about survival but have no direction in which to focus my efforts due to apathy. Getting better at acting though. If I think about my story before I go out then I can pull off the relevant social cues that make me seem like I've

Ralph

Ralph

two months update

I guess it's been a while since I did a blog. Things have been going so well that the weeks seem to just fly by. I'm back on a combo of ADHD and anti-depressant meds which is helping me function without the hindrance of my symptoms, which leads to less frustration, which leads to less beating myself up and avoiding the downward spiral into negative emotions. I can think in a structured manner, and plan steps to accomplish tasks that previously overwhelmed me. This is helping out a ton at work an

Ralph

Ralph

two minds one brain

Two is an understatement. Still got the suicidal thoughts but another strain which wants to fight. Fight the circumstances to make my life better, fight the bad thoughts so that I could even feel happy when in fact my life is okay. It's kind of like that native American proverb about the two wolves in the heart, I guess. Except my wolves speak English, there are more than two of them, and at least one is a puppy. On espresso. The depressed side seems to be controlling my actions right now as I

Ralph

Ralph

Twitch

I'm getting more consistent with meditation. Through meditation I become more aware of what's going on in my mind, which is to say less zoning out. Physically this is calming, but attending to the mess between my ears is not a comforting experience. I think one must face the mess though before it can be cleaned up. My internal dialogue feels like one of those news shows where two people argue over each other and shout the whole time. I'm yelling at myself for making some mistake and then I yell

Ralph

Ralph

Trying too hard?

I'm on day 4 of another attempt to stop drinking. Aiming for at least 7 days this time around since past record of alcohol free since starting seroquel is 6 days. Already my motivation is flagging. I feel like the alcohol is fully out of my system but I am still all doped up from the prescribed meds. Why do the ones that I'm supposed to take make me feel bad while the ones I'm not supposed to take make me feel good? Granted the long term effects of alcohol and drugs is bad but at least I got so

Ralph

Ralph

Trying to be normal

I'm trying to have a social life by hanging out with a few friends instead of isolating at home. For the most part this is going OK. During the whole time though, I feel like I'm under this invisible cloud that is constantly warning me something bad is going to happen or I'm going to do something wrong. I feel more morally supported when I spend time with others. It is easy for me to slip into bad behavior when I isolate. When people are around I kind of want to be a better person in order to b

Ralph

Ralph

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