I have not been liking the morning hangovers from seroquel so I took the dosage down on my own. Prescription is for 150 mg a day in three 50mg pills. This is already a low dose but I seem to be sensitive to the antihistamine or anticholinergic properties of the drug. Supposedly the hangover side effect should go away after a week or so but I've been on it for several weeks & still feel like a zombie until 3:00 PM. Stepped down by 25 mg for a few days but still had the same side effects, went
Well, sometimes anyway. I know I pretty much just whine in this place but that's because I can't really be honest in meatspace. If people knew how bad I was hurting they'd be repulsed. Nobody wants to hang out with the negative guy. As Morrison rightly observed, faces look ugly when you're alone. On top of that my swings are erratic so people wouldn't be able to figure me out if I didn't give them a predictable pattern. I'm already the "quiet guy" who gets ribbings about being the next one to g
I hate it when people talk about a "train" of thought. To me it seems more like a demolition derby. Trying to be productive, but keep thinking about everything that I should be doing when I am trying to work on one thing. It seems like everything is an emergency so if I take time to take care of the first thing then it's worthless because the other 8 urgent issues will collapse on top of any other effort I put in. Making a list should help but the list branches out into more things than I can h
Title about says it all. Seems like I am pretty much useless until about 3:00PM waiting for the fog to wear off. Happened at work yesterday and at home today. If I don't take it though I don't sleep and being awake for ~40 hours straight is interesting, but no picnic. Also not terribly productive after the 30th hour awake. Appetite seems to be gone. Not that I don't feel hungry but I don't feel hungry enough to bother getting food. On the bright side I'm getting more patient with myself. Perfec
Spoke to ADHD coach today, finally getting help for what I think is the real problem. Yesterday I was so frustrated I was just like what's the f*ing point since both my therapist and pdoc are only working with me on depression when I have said over and over that I think the depression is caused by the problems that result when I can't organize my thoughts. I think I'm going in the wrong direction but my pdoc just wants to put me in a different color car until we "find the one that works for you.
No one who can help me cares, and no one who cares can help me. I don't have the skills or whatever is needed to deal with the world, and unfortunately because of my lack of communication skills, even so called professionals are unwilling to listen to me. Even called the suicide hotline and all I got was some dumb volunteer echoing my statements back to me. Thanks lady I'm glad you care, but I can get a mere echo by talking to a wall if I shout loud enough. It doesn't feel "validating" when I ca
But I can't sleep without 'em now. I keep taking them later and later though which is wreaking havoc on my schedule. This seems to have started around the time I cut back on drinking. I attribute this to less drinking means I am a little more stubborn and gotta do it my way. But I really enjoy the way I look in the mirror when I am not drinking. My skin and eyes are clearer and my face seems to have more angles, i.e., less puffy.
Starting to feel more motivated, at least less overwhelmed. Taking advantage of my newfound momentum to get some stuff done that I had been procrastinating. Still having a lot of paranoia though. Feeling overwhelmed by number of projects I need to handle & multiple things lost within my apt. I think my mood improvement has to do with drastically reducing alcohol and upping wellbutrin to 450mg/day. I had been taking 2 drinks/night because that is the recommended intake for men to get the heal
Seems to be the theme of the past week. Sometimes I feel like reality itself is about to split in two. Dammit the seroquel was making this stop for a while there. I don't get it. I don't do street drugs and I've never even touched meth. Honestly I think I need a creative outlet; my normal creativity is getting bottled up because of my grad studies (trust me you do not want to be creative in a university) and finds its way out through less than healthy expressions. So, yeah. That's what I am off
Haven't written here for a while since things seemed to be going smoothly. Felt like I was gradually getting better on my current meds. Now I am gradually getting worse. Still dealing with a bunch of concentration issues, which leads to frustration which leads to self doubt and that downward spiral into depressive thinking and self destructive impulses. Basically when it was semester break I didn't have as many deadlines so it wasn't such a problem. Then when work & school started back up I
Things seem super important for a few minutes and then other things feel more important. I keep changing what I am doing, jumping from task to task in a kind of stressed out state. Tried exercise and deep breathing, still feeling agitated. Tried yoga but that started to make the panic worse. Will try distracting myself with busy activities and see if that calms down. If not, then music and/or more exercise but if I still feel like climbing the walls then I may need a drink - I know I shouldn't b
Had a great trip but now that I am back I am also back to feeling the same bad stuff. I skipped a couple doses of meds while traveling which may have something to do with it. But the meds don't seem to help so much lately, just make me sleep 10 hours/night. Still have Jekyll/Hyde thing going on where things like getting drunk make perfect sense at the time and then in retrospect it seems a horrible thing to have done. On the bright side, at least I am sleeping at night. Music helps too, but no
Feel like suicidal impulses are just something I am going to have to live with. My worry is that one day they are going to find me in a moment of weakness and access to a reliable means and that will be that. Well, if you can't beat 'em... See pdoc again on Thursday but I already know what she is going to do- throw another damn mood stabilizer at me because this is all she f-ing does. FFS you could pay a damn intern $12/hr to just go down a list and write scripts so why is this costing me $150 a
The following contains some frank discussions of subject matter that may trigger susceptible individuals. Please do not read further unless you accept this risk. Woke up today with memories that I had long buried. Guess my system thinks there is finally enough space to deal with the shocks of what I could not deal with then. The rough part is that I am now looking back on it with my adult understanding, so instead of being an 8 yr old kid watching what happened, I am an adult looking back at wha
I've noticed that I am ok as long as I am busy. So it should be no surprise that weekends are the toughest for me, then. Still, it's raw, unabridged pain. I don't know wtf my problem is. Meds seemed to be helping but not so sure anymore. At least I have a trip to look forward to. Then I will see my partner from whom I have been separated for over a year now. Shit no wonder I am hurting. But it isn't the separation that hurts so much as the memories that have been trickling in through my dreams s
alternating good and crappy days. Today was a crappy one. Just didn't feel like doing anything. Kept thinking about suicide but the meds blunt that a little bit. I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep...
So today I seem to be back on the normal plane of reality again. Actually had a pretty decent day; felt good socializing w/ classmates (normally it feels too nerve wracking) and was able to perform on midterms. I was able to get up and go this morning. I found out it helps to have a time target. I still missed it by 15 minutes but I was able to get out the door in 45 minutes. Major accomplishment. I still hear the intrusive thoughts but for some reason the more math-intensive my schoolwork the
Guilt and fear all over the place. Guilt because I have too much to do and I am basically getting everyone mad at me: Teammates at school, prof who I am a TA for, other clubs that I am supposed to be leading or at least meaningfully participating in, and part time job. The fact that I have been sleeping so much has resulted in my missing commitments. This morning I wasn't productive at all either. The whole morning is just... I don't even know what I did. Same for the two hrs between lunch and
Feel normal for a change. Kind of still have the automatic thoughts in the background but I am not as riled up about them as I previously was. Had some pretty intense dreams last night but it felt like I was sort of reorganizing my mental space; bringing order to the chaos. It felt really good. I still don't see any performance improvement (taking 2.5 hours to shower dress & shave still) and am still terribly absent minded, but I was able to go to the gym today, which is something that has
I'm feeling a little bit better; the world that was going to end yesterday has thankfully averted catastrophe once again. :cool: But still feel a general sense of being in trouble. When I was a kid I got in trouble a lot, and it wasn't because I intentionally broke the rules, it was just that I could never quite understand why the rules were what they are rather than something else. As an adult it happens much less often but I still make mistakes from time to time. Since it has been a long time
.... Is so much more apparent when you've had a break for a while. God it's weird how just one skipped dose can make all the symptoms come back. The thing is I don't have any plans to commit suicide so that isn't a worry. It is just that the constant thoughts of suicide interfere with my ability to concentrate. :confused: Need to get work done though, and seroquel ain't helping me with that. Ironically I went to counseling for help with focus and they end up sending me to a shrink, who puts me o
For some reason I am shaking a lot. It is hard to type. Could be addition of seroquel or withdrawal of the lamictal, or combination of both. Kind of scary but not enough to warrant any immediate action. May try calling pdoc tomorrow if this gets worse. Sometimes I am clear and I can see what I need to do. Other times the suicidal and self destructive impulses come back. I know I am supposed to apply mindfulness at that point but it is hard for me to catch it before I am swept up in the drama.
Last night was weird. Tried to skip seroquel dose so that I could wake early and found myself unable to sleep. Like heart pounding, teeth grinding, scared of the bedroom ceiling kind of insomnia. Felt a lot like the mother character in Requiem for a dream where she freaks out & thinks the refrigerator is trying to attack her. So I took seroquel at around 1 AM and boy did I sleep after that. Getting up in the morning was not easy. Morning routine is getting easier but still took 1.25 hours a
