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Blog Ralph

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Entries in this blog

 

God is in his heaven all is right with the world

Dunno why I'm so happy today. I'm bouncing off the walls with the glee of a tweaker stumbling upon a cache of electronics and an extensive set of specialized screwdrivers. Think somebody switched my wellbutrin with a tab of X. Might be that I took an abrupt break from drinking. Or that I'm getting stuff done today, the vitamin b shot I got on Thursday, starting meditation again, or starting to make peace with religion. Emphasis on the starting, still have a long way to go but talked to priest

Ralph

Ralph

 

Down

I could really use some help. Things are going pretty damn well for me right now, but I still feel like shite. I think it might be guilt over stuff I did in the past. I didn't hurt anyone, I didn't cheat, steal, or even harass anyone. My sin was schadenfreude. I went through a phase where I took pleasure in watching or hearing about the horrific things happening to people that are not me. Somehow since then, probably because of getting sober, my empathy got turned back on and I am now disgusted

Ralph

Ralph

 

Poisons

I want to drug myself into oblivion with every recreational substance I can get my hands on. I know where this leads though, and I don't like it, so I am trying to hold myself back. It's hard to do. Suicide is back at the front of my mind... for no reason whatsoever, except the pain is so much I feel like it's the only way to deal with it. I guess I should be glad I can still feel anything. When my depression gets really bad, I don't even feel the pain anymore. Want to do what I can to pull myse

Ralph

Ralph

 

I don't know

It hurts and I don't know why. I have a guess, but every time I think I've found a solution or had a valuable insight, I feel I've made progress for a little while, and then the demons are back. Things have been going good in my life but I still feel like I've done something terrible or something terrible is about to happen. Maybe the consequence of something I've done that I forgot about. It's pure unmitigated anxiety - the kind that makes you sick before you are about to do something that is

Ralph

Ralph

 

change the script

I am starting to see more of my own cognitive distortions. For a while I've been resisting getting better, but I think I'm finally growing up. I don't want to be 50 years old and still pulling this needy, "I'm broken" act. As an adult it's my job to get my act together and there are no excuses because there is no authority. There is cause and effect. If I sit around feeling sorry for myself I can get the result of that, or I can look for solutions. Hopefully this time I can hold on to this insig

Ralph

Ralph

 

Forgotten Purpose

I don't know why, but right now I feel more depressed than I have in a long time. Possibly ever, although I have been suicidal before, and I am not suicidal now. I am experiencing waves of absolute hopelessness that just engulf me out of the blue. I used to not be able to understand how someone could be so depressed that they couldn't work or even get out of bed. Now I understand. Possibly it's because I stopped exercising, so I started that again today. No improvement after a workout though, g

Ralph

Ralph

 

New year reflection

So it's 2012. I think I've been taking my career too seriously due to anxiety. That plus bad economic news makes me think I'm hanging by a thread and just one bad decision away from homelessness. This causes me to freak out over every day hardships, random bills that come in higher than expected. More money, more problems; no money, more problems still. To paraphrase The Shins - a patient me would never give it more than a frowning hour, but loss has conquered me. Loss of job in 2008 that I neve

Ralph

Ralph

 

Apart

Boyfriend came and went, had a good visit and not depressed now although I feel the pain of separation. If I stay sober today then it will be 15 days clean. I really, really want to get smashed but don't want the hangover and don't want alcohol to interfere with my meds, so I am going to stay clean and see after thirty days whether my mood symptoms improve or not. When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relativel

Ralph

Ralph

 

Feels like I don't belong

If humans are social creatures what happens to the ones that don't have any group to be a part of? I never felt like I fit in, no matter how many groups I experimented with. I don't fit in with the straights cause I'm gay, but can't fit in with the gays because I'm too quiet. I get that a lot. And people are always scared of the quiet ones since there must be something wrong with you if you don't feel the need to jabber incessantly. No, seriously it makes people uncomfortable and I know this so

Ralph

Ralph

 

Fight

I am not okay. I don't know where else I can say that so I'm putting it here. I'm thinking more about suicide lately. I'll go for a few hours thinking it's the only way out, and the obvious solution, then I'll switch and think that was crazy, how could I be considering suicide. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are playing tug of war with my head. Triggering event was visit with pdoc to discuss ADHD meds. This did not go well and I left feeling insulted, berated, and hopeless about getting effe

Ralph

Ralph

 

Help Me Erase Me

It hurts so bad. I wish I could explain but stupid words won't work for me right now. I want to go but I don't have the guts. Yet I have the guts to live with the fact that I would hurt those closest to me simply to escape. I don't know how I sleep at night. Oh yeah, I don't. Unless I forgive myself, just for this moment. Maybe I can escape without hurting them. Will they even notice? Will it ever stop? Will I ever feel safe?

Ralph

Ralph

 

Goals experiment, check in 1

1 week into working on learning a full song to get my music practice started up again, and to experiment with setting and meeting goals. So far have the basic riffs for verse and chorus down, can play a couple of the fills and the bridge. Next week need to learn the rest of the fills. There's a part at the end which I really miss being able to play. I used to know every note of this song but I've had to relearn it. Mentally/emotionally things have been not good but not bad. Anxiety a big probl

Ralph

Ralph

 

Isolation

Depression has gotten worse and I've been isolating more. I could call a friend but don't want them to see me like this. I don't like socializing anyway. It always leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong, like I've embarrassed myself. I don't like being alone either, though, at least not this much. I also don't even like myself, which is part of why I don't like socializing - I can't convince someone to like me when I don't like me. I don't like myself because I failed at managing my c

Ralph

Ralph

 

Feels like going nowhere

I stumbled across an old blog from July 2012 that I wrote. I had to re read it because I could have written it yesterday. I thought I started in February this year, turns out it was longer ago than that. Still struggling to stay sober, still a lot of depression around loneliness and where I've ended up in life. Not getting anywhere in over a year. I need to change something, but I'm not sure what. I've identified that I am both mad at my father for leaving me, and mad at myself for being basica

Ralph

Ralph

 

Alright

I'm getting better and have been doing really well lately. Less isolation, more exercise, stopped drinking (again). Sobriety is my focus right now, because drinking messes everything else up. I can either have the things that I value, or alcohol. It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is. Even though it's threatening to kill me, I really really love drinking. I don't love hangovers though. I don't enjoy the panic attacks that follow a day of drinking, and the two days of lost productivity that I

Ralph

Ralph

 

Oscillating amidst the vastness of unknowing

Take that, required title! If I have to write something, it might as well sound like lyrics from an emo band. I am oscillating though. Sometimes everything's fine then next minute it feels like it would be so much easier to finally.. give.. up. I realized if I quit taking my meds I'd probably be back in that place of feeling suicidal again. This is not without its charms. Oblivion. It's what I wanted out of alcohol, after all. So attractive to me but I know it would hurt others. Instead

Ralph

Ralph

 

Everything changes

I can't believe it's been over 4 months since I checked in here. I am doing okay circumstantially, but inside my head it's a nightmare. Been off and on with the alcohol and other forms of self medication, six weeks sober but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while. I found myself today wishing I could get some disease that kills quickly so I could just get it over with and not add in the stigma of suicide. Sorry to be so direct but I'm so tired of trying to put a positive spin on

Ralph

Ralph

 

drift

I'm taking slightly better care of myself today, eating real food instead of junk and laying off the alcohol. I drank a lot this past week which probably explains my worsening depression. I tried to force myself to get busy and felt a little better but eventually I felt overwhelmed and had to lay down for a while. I hate not being able to get stuff done but evidently I needed to take a time out for sanity's sake. Lately I've been feeling down about life itself, not anything in particular. Everyt

Ralph

Ralph

 

fractured images

Working on why/how to live. If I am so afraid to die for nothing then there must be something I want to live for. Coming up blank on the usual candidates such as family, service, making the world a better place, etc. All seems fake or nice to think about but no follow through when I try to do it. When I try to figure it out it's like something I can't face yet is in the way, trying to get my attention but I know there is pain in it so I shy away. It feels like something and nothing at the same t

Ralph

Ralph

 

Machine logic

Day 5 of operation liver break is mostly wrapped up, now my first weekend. Without alcohol I am feeling altered, even though I'm technically sober. Right now I'm having racing thoughts and cannot concentrate for long enough to write much without it descending into tangent after tangent. Sometimes I'm ecstatic, and other times I am very frightened. One thing though is that I don't feel suicidal for a change and that has led me to see what the benefit of being suicidal is: Invulnerability. Car

Ralph

Ralph

 

unfeeling

Been numb for a few days, usually means calm before the storm. Feel like I'm sliding today. Suicidal thoughts, practically used to this by now. Trigger seems to be thinking of the future. Plenty of reasons to worry. Feel better when I find ways to be creative. Seems strange. Used to thinking of creativity as a luxury, or a gift you either have or you don't. Now it's something I have to practice, or else dark thoughts take over. Then again, maybe the dark thoughts have their place. Still am

Ralph

Ralph

 

nobody said it would be easy

...but nobody said it would be this hard -Coldplay I'm happy that I have been able to overcome the urge to drink for half a month now. Today is day 16. I guess I'm counting days because I want to see how long I can go without a drink. Since I decided to quit on a weekend, as the first few days tend to be the easiest and weekends were when I failed before, I have almost made it through my third whole weekend without drinking. I'm worried about the fact that I'm thinking about it as "making it t

Ralph

Ralph

 

Anxiety but still progress

Seems most of my symptoms have gone physical. I can use the CBT stuff I am learning to avoid panicking mentally right now, but I still will experience rapid heart rate, dizziness, sweating and the rest. Also overreacting to outside stuff, getting scared by loud noises that are part of everyday city life. Learning that relaxation is an art. I have to take some time to proactively relax instead of reacting to anxiety and trying to cope all the time. Went for a bike ride today and found myself ne

Ralph

Ralph

 

Snow Blind (trigger)

Thursday scored a gram of coke impulsively. Friend who I did it with last time said he was getting a bag did I want one too. I weighed the pros and cons, and clearly this would not be a good idea. My response, "I'm in, how soon can I come over?" The whole time I'm waiting my conscience is like, don't do it don't do it don't do it... except I knew that if I didn't I would just be obsessing over it for weeks until I broke down. Shoved the whole bag up my nose over the course of the night and wen

Ralph

Ralph

 

lost

pdoc: How much you drinking? me: 3 beers a night pdoc: WTF you moron? me: Ok okay, i'll quit ....Later that night... beer: DRINK ME! me: take off! beer: sure, whatever you want vodka: DRINK ME me: no Whiskey: Drink me me: I don't even have you in my house, you hoser W: I'm in the store me: Well that changes everything don't it vodka: DRINK ME me: Shit yeah son Beer: Me too! me: goddam you're in the store too. Beer: you're out of ice cream me: That I am. And you're drunk. co

Ralph

Ralph

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