I'm not sure how I feel about that. I know it was stupid and I haven't smoked since 2000 so why now? My meds have really awakened in me the desire to start smoking again and when I told my pdoc she was as usual nonplussed. No discussion of strategies to avoid relapse, no thoughts about what this might mean for how the meds are monkeying with my neurotransmitters. She just asked if I had started again, and since until today I hadn't, my answer in the negative was the end of that - here's your new
Been an interesting past few days. My depression got better, then it got worse again. Not sadness and self pity, but the whole detached and floating in the air half a mile away feeling. I took the risperdal last night and it stopped the shaking but it made me more apathetic than normal.
Took 50mg of seroquel last night because I felt like 25 mg wasn't enough the night before. This got me into feeling side effects and paradoxically my depression got worse. I'm so frustrated. I thought I was better and then it goes downhill again. Some day I'll learn there are no magic bullets against depression. My thoughts are noisy and disorganized. I try to figure stuff out but my brain changes the channel every 20 seconds or so. There are also the intrusive thoughts. Reality seems to have a
Last night couldn't sleep until I took half a seroquel. Still that is only 25mg which I don't even know if that is a clinically significant dose. I do know that benadryl did not help me sleep last night, not even combined with beer. However, this morning I had no trouble getting up and felt pretty stable. A little bit impaired as far as coming up with things to say and absent minded but that beats repetitive automatic thoughts. Also didn't get the shaking fingers. Very happy to be able to type
Slept without seroquel last night. Took two sleeping pills though. I used to think a sleeping pill hangover was bad but it's a mild inconvenience next to a seroquel hangover. I feel like myself again, the good as well as the bad. Almost got Risperdal script filled but pharmacy doesn't have as low of a strength as was written and I can't be arsed to go take my script across town to the pharmacy that has it. I was going to see if it did any better for the anxiety but it also makes you hungry and t
Feeling better tonight. Went through a few hours of paranoia, anxiety, and guilt from about 1500-2100. Stomach queasy from 1800-2100. Glad I was not driving. Last night was much worse. Still a little jittery, but also feel this serene feeling, probably because the end of Seroquel is in sight. Only difference is that I used some nutritional supplements to help my brain, namely acetyl-l-carnitine, phosphatidyl serine, and inositol. Not sure if cause or correlation, but the fingers shaking has sto
Still tough as heck to get moving in the morning even on only 50mg of Seroquel. Also, nicotine cravings are driving me crazy even though it has been 10+ yrs since I quit smoking. Severe brain fog, I'm supposed to at a networking lunch today and I cannot remember the research I did the past few days on the backgrounds of the execs I am going to talk to. I'm getting further behind with schoolwork but it's 2.5 mos to graduation so it's not like anyone else is going pedal to the metal either. In my
This is what I was prescribed seroquel for in the first place. Every so often my internal dialogue is interrupted by thoughts of suicide. Not that I'm particularly upset, it's just a pattern of words that interrupts my stream of consciousness. If it weren't so specific I'd shrug my shoulders and move on with my day. Yet by the time I had been convinced to try medication, the auto-thoughts were drowning out my internal dialogue. Going to sleep, will check how this is going in the morning.
Last night started feeling depression roll in which coincided with accelerating my taper off of SQ. I upped my dose to 1.25 pills, the midpoint between where I was the night before and the previous level. Today I feel not depressed, but sadness. I've been through this territory enough times to know the difference. So it's normal ups and downs; I can handle this. In my experience real emotions feel like a cycle that I move through, whereas depression constitutes the stopping of that cycle. Depr
First time in a while I made it through getting dressed without making myself late. Feel more sleepy; it would be easy for me to just climb back into bed right now. This is different from the normal sleeping pill type hangover when I feel sluggish & fatigued but not like I could easily doze off. Wondering if I should drop off the seroquel entirely. Some return of automatic thoughts but I am not taking them as seriously and they seem to die down. Hands shaking, weird twitch in left thigh, a t
Never enough of it. Can't seem to stay on task for anything today, but emotionally I feel almost dangerously happy. Saw therapist, tried to explain how hard it is to just get myself together in the morning... & from her face it looked like she wasn't buying it. She observed that I am able to at least get to school for class but the way she said it was like if I can get out of bed it can't be that bad. It sounds crazy even to me when I say it, so I understand the skepticism. I should be able
Last night took only 75mg of SQ and maybe a little half mg of Xanax from an old prescription to help sleep. Holy crap was that overkill. I probably didn't really need anything to sleep. Morning was groggy but I felt more... alive for lack of a better way to put it. Integrating concepts seemed easier than before starting the SQ and my emotions felt like real experiences rather than detached evaluations. That didn't last. By about 2 PM started feeling shaky around fine motor control as if moveme
Continued at roughly 87-88mg of seroquel last night. It might have been more as I selected one of the smaller corner chunks to take out from the second pill. Slept much better last night, took Inositol which is the main thing I changed. Also something that was cool is that I fell asleep without waiting for the seroquel to kick in. Today I had a metric sh*t-ton of apathy, can't get motivated except to do very simple and short term tasks. It feels like my brain is in a straight jacket. The apath
Last night took lowest dose of SQ since starting - 1.75 pills. Also took some natural supplement for sleep with valerian and hops. Had a hard time falling asleep and woke early, approx 10pm-4:30, but when I woke up the valerian stuff was still working which allowed me to roll over for about another hour. Feel physically tired but my brain feels much less foggy than yesterday. I am so stoked to start getting my brain back. It is not mania as my impulse control is still firmly in place. Unfortuna
Warning- rant ahead. It helps me figure stuff out to put all the pieces in text, which is to say I don't believe everything I write because I am writing everything I feel and being messed up some of my feelings are distorted. Saw pdoc today, came home with a script for risperdol. WTF? I complain about being apathetic and unmotivated and she tries to put me on ANOTHER antipsychotic? To heck with that. I read up on risperdol and it is has even more of a zombie effect than the damn seroquel. I'm s
Feel brain fried. Memory not working, in class today could not even remember main points of the paper I wrote last night. This is getting worse. I fucking hate seroquel and wish I never even went to a pdoc in the first place. Bunch of goddam money grubbers with not an ounce of compassion. Just give him whatever will shut him up regardless of what the problem is. So much easier than actually figuring out what is wrong and helping the patient take care of his own healing. Taking 100mg of devil's c
Apathetic past few days, except for frustration. More wall-gazing activity. New development is decreased libido, which bothers me from a standpoint of feeling secure in my masculinity, but my partner is halfway round the world so in a sense it's more convenient. Been taking about 112.5 mg (2.25 50mg pills) for that time. Strong lethargy in the morning and shaking hands, also numbness in hands. Going to try going back down to 100 tonight. Nervous about seeing pdoc tomorrow. I'm afraid she'll n
Went to meditation group today, helped a lot. Finding my sense of humor is back and more patient with myself. Less anxious but easily startled/annoyed so some irritability, which is normal for me. Not as dragged down by the meds because I only took 100mg last night, leaving a two day average of 125/night. I still feel like my mind is weighed down though. Appetite is minimal, didn't eat breakfast and got a big lunch thinking I felt hungry but was full by the time I took the third bite. Sort of
God I feel like crap. I am having a hell of a time motivating myself. Maybe if I dump this here I can move on with study time. I am so goddam sick of this seroquel that I feel even somewhat traumatized by it. Overreaction I know, but I'm neurotic so that's what I do. I feel like part of my personality has been stripped away from me. Granted there was a lot that was bad in that part of my personality. But I fear a substantial chunk of what I call "me" has been taken. It's like the emotional equi
I don't feel anything at all right now and that is usually the calm before I slide down into the darker cognitive distortions. I thought I was doing so well, except for the morning hangovers from the meds - but at least the impulse to self destruct was gone. Now I care about survival but have no direction in which to focus my efforts due to apathy. Getting better at acting though. If I think about my story before I go out then I can pull off the relevant social cues that make me seem like I've
Last night I felt really messed up. Thought it was seroquel withdrawal so I went back to 125 on that. Now familiar sleeping pill hangover with no motivation is back again. On the bright side I feel more emotionally stable. Yet these damn nicotine cravings keep with me. I think seroquel might go better for someone who smokes. Thinking to try quartering a 50mg pill so I can get 112 or so, since 100 is too little but 125 is too much. I really want to go stare blankly at a wall. If I do that I'll lo
Took 100 mg of seroquel each of the past two nights. First night no noticeable difference. Last night I woke up early. Depression has largely abated lately, but seems to be coming back. Yesterday I was feeling super happy. If I had taken drugs I would have thought I was high but I have only taken coffee and my prescriptions since scaring myself on Sunday. I think that Tuesday's super happy moment was a side effect of what happened. I was feeling so sick that the thought of not making it did cr
Took Tramadol last night for a hangover. That was not a good idea. Tried aspirin first but that wasn't working and I didn't want to burn off too much of my stomach lining so I reached for a different pain killer. I took it before on a trip and didn't have a bad reaction so I thought I could get away with it again. However on the trip I was only taking 300mg of Wellbutrin a day and now taking 450mg. I knew that Tramadol and Wellbutrin should not be taken together but being impervious as I am to
So depression got worse; I freaked out and went back up on the seroquel to my prescribed dose of 150mg for the past two nights. Also been having problems with anxiety due to job search.. More on that later but don't have time to go into that now. Feeling more like a zombie again. I'm really sick of this med but my pdoc would probably only put me on another zombification med since she seems so committed to the Anti-Depressant + mood stabilizer approach I'm really weirded out by the disparity betw
Just trying to keep track of what's going on as I tinker with my dosages. Haha take that, Establishment! I won't follow a prescription; I write my own prescriptions. Yeah. Tongue in cheek there - don't take that literally. Anyway I guess I shouldn't be surprised that depression seems to be coming back as I reduce my seroquel dosage to what is probably a sub-therapeutic level. Not sure if this is short term rebound effect or if it's simply the underlying depression. What I notice is I've become
