I'm so depressed I can barely move. Hope this doesn't last. Sleeping over 12 hrs/day and spending a lot of time in bed just crying. So I haven't been getting much done. Not that there is that much to get done. When you have no goals and no direction there just isn't that much to do. Luckily, no one depends on me. I tried to talk to my boyfriend but I screwed it up by complaining to him that he doesn't talk to me enough. This made him mad at me. Even with those closest to me I find some way to al
Did a full day of meditation today and have a half day to go tomorrow. Feels really good right now. Most help came from going out to eat with the class after meditation was done - I felt accepted by a group for the first time in what feels like years. I can see how the acceptance of others can serve as a model for finding acceptance of myself. The hard work begins there; it's always easier said than done. Right now though I am enjoying the high of intensive meditation practice and feeling like i
Last visit with pdoc had me up Wellbutrin as my depressive symptoms have shown improvement but still pretty depressed. Now I have intrusive thoughts again, random thoughts telling me to kill myself that interrupt my internal dialogue. Not voices that I hear externally but still seems like something "not me" issuing a command. Not sure if this is related to the med change or just stress at work which has also been high lately. Intrusive thoughts were an issue for me before I got on meds, but they
I went to an NA meeting today. Suggestion of my meditation instructor type person. I'm trying to be Buddhist and that means no drugs as that interferes with meditation practice. The meeting wasn't as bad as I feared it could be, in fact it felt almost welcoming. Still I am not sure if it's a cult or not. I'm not entirely sure I have a problem. I keep using these pills so that's a problem, but once I'm out I'm out, right? Maybe. Hope so. Then again I haven't hit bottom or had any run ins with th
I didn't use pills last night and I feel much better not having the comedown that I normally do on Saturdays. Still have some anxiety and a lot of depression, mainly because of social anxiety. I am isolated but I don't know how to change this. Sure go out and meet people. Easier said than done. My therapist wants me to take a class to have less isolation. Plus taking a class would help me cultivate an interest, something I am not having much success with so far. Doesn't that sound a little path
This week I realized I still have friends in my hometown. I didn't think they remembered me but I got contacted over facebook a couple times. This while I was slipping back into suicidal ideation again. How warped my perspective was, thinking nobody cared when I do have real friends. Another reason to try and survive. I miss them a lot and I miss the area. I especially miss it in summer since that is when the weather is nice at home and miserable where I currently am. I don't know many people he
Starting to feel like I am coming out of depression again. A lot of pain and sadness is still around but I'm looking forward to the future. Was able to phone a friend today. Didn't talk about depression, just catching up, but I don't really talk about my problems with friends. I have realized that I've lost my interests and become pretty dull. Going to work on re-cultivating some interests and hobbies and maybe that will lead to more friends/less social anxiety. Feeling bad about decisions made
Depression has gotten worse and I've been isolating more. I could call a friend but don't want them to see me like this. I don't like socializing anyway. It always leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong, like I've embarrassed myself. I don't like being alone either, though, at least not this much. I also don't even like myself, which is part of why I don't like socializing - I can't convince someone to like me when I don't like me. I don't like myself because I failed at managing my ca
As I get better I find the feeling that I need to find a new purpose to my life. The question is, does one decide on a direction and run with it, or is there a true purpose that is discovered? Along with this goes a feeling of isolation. I don't know what I'm doing with my life so I don't know whom to associate with. I miss my friends back home. I miss the energy of being in a place that I love. Yet I can't push myself to find a job back home quite yet. I've also searched for jobs where my boyfr
Boyfriend came and went, had a good visit and not depressed now although I feel the pain of separation. If I stay sober today then it will be 15 days clean. I really, really want to get smashed but don't want the hangover and don't want alcohol to interfere with my meds, so I am going to stay clean and see after thirty days whether my mood symptoms improve or not. When I am not suicidal I start thinking of what my life should be about. You know if it's not going to be about dying at a relatively
So much in my head right now. Depression is really bad atm but I have enough CBT tools now to cope with it and still have it there but at least able to talk back to the destructive thoughts. Also have music coming through which is a good thing. Should practice more, maybe I could get the music out of my head and into an instrument. Still have a lot of fatigue from depression and thinking too much. Thinking about suicide often but refuting those thoughts. I don't want to face my maker quite yet.
I can feel depression trying to take over, but it is not going to. Meds have put a floor on my emotions so that the waves only go so far before they recede again. Before getting on the right meds, the waves knocked me down and put me under water. I'm sure meditation is also helping with this. I want this to hold up until Friday so that I don't go crazy and act self destructive again. It's good to feel not so crazy for a while.
I'm trying to have a social life by hanging out with a few friends instead of isolating at home. For the most part this is going OK. During the whole time though, I feel like I'm under this invisible cloud that is constantly warning me something bad is going to happen or I'm going to do something wrong. I feel more morally supported when I spend time with others. It is easy for me to slip into bad behavior when I isolate. When people are around I kind of want to be a better person in order to b
Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. Hopefully it will be better than if I did drink. I know I usually regret it if I give in to temptation, but then I just feel left out when I don't. Right now I'm scattered which is not unusual lately. Luckily have been able to sleep well which I look forward to. Depression feels less intense when dreaming
My therapist says I still have trauma to work through, on account of I can't talk about it without crying. I should be able to talk about it like you talk about a failed relationship, apparently, as in expressing sorrow that it happened but not choking up just to mention it. Thought I'd gotten over this. I need some kind of motivation to reconnect with reality. Going to up the meditation for now. That seems to have a preventative effect. Lately I've been feeling incredibly scattered, like my br
It's nice to have every once in a while a day of normal emotions, based on things happening in the present but not too high and not too low. I'm trying to stop beating myself up and noticing I do it a lot. If I treat myself that way how can I know I wouldn't treat others that way? Inside my mind is every mean thing I have turned inward and could easily turn outward if I didn't know better. Practicing different habits of thinking, at least for now.
Images may be creative energy that is not being expressed, then finds an outlet in the darkest quadrant of my emotional life. It would explain why they are alternately terrifying and compelling. Then again a number of possibilities could explain that. I feel like I'm getting closer. I must make friends with the images or they will continue to trouble me. Shit they are there no matter how weird that is so I might as well learn how to work with them. And I have no excuses now because my meds are
I think I've figured out the shadow is the devil on my shoulder. A really intense, persuasive devil, but also my sense of self preservation. So the shadow is who gets me to stand up for myself when I've run out of other cheeks to turn. He gets me to take my meds when it would be easier to stop taking them and let depression take me where it may, but he also represents the urge to self medicate as the pills the doctor gave only get one so far.
Images are starting to resolve. It's something I don't want to remember. I did a lot of work in the beginning to forget. Maybe this means I'm ready to deal with it now. I'm afraid of taking this on before I am ready, but even more afraid of continuing to go on with this formless panic just beneath the relatively normal front I put on. I'm not getting any younger and it feels important. I'm not going to wish to know what "it" is, for fear of the answer. I'm going to find out eventually somehow.
One benefit of my meds is they stop me from derealizing. I noticed this again lately since I am not used to reality feeling, you know, really real. I'm grateful for that. But other things are coming through (thoughts, images) that I am not sure are real. I don't know if this is the result of my slip or if they were the cause. When I started drinking I liked the fact it made my mind quiet. Now and then my mind has been unquiet. I don't know what they want from me but I am afraid of them. I try t
Might as well be honest and admit that addiction is winning this round. Drinking got out of control on Sunday, mostly because I didn't feel like controlling my drinking. Strangely didn't have a panic attack or feel too guilty afterward, although I do feel a little weird for fighting so hard to be sober and just giving up like this. Still hung over a little bit. Can't say I wouldn't loooove a few roxicet pills right now. Maybe more than a few. So I'm trying to be strong and not start putting f
Starting to think most of my depression is due to low self esteem. It would explain my behavior pretty well. It's true too. I dislike myself. I remind myself too much my of parents, with whom I didn't get along in the slightest. I settle for mediocrity when I can least afford to. I think the cause of my low self esteem is a lack of self discipline. I don't do the things I know I should and then I end up regretting it. However instead of changing my behavior I beat myself up, as if that would so
Noisy thoughts, multiple trains of thought at the same time, some thoughts automatic, others just trying to make too many decisions at once. Some are fragmented, broken shards of a message from myself when I am clear headed. Can't quite remember. Reading helps, so does music. Read a lot today. Feels like I'm going crazy. Nope, already there. Want to start smoking again. What is it about schizophrenics and smoking? Maybe they know something I don't. Slow suicide... am I dying already? Well, we a
If humans are social creatures what happens to the ones that don't have any group to be a part of? I never felt like I fit in, no matter how many groups I experimented with. I don't fit in with the straights cause I'm gay, but can't fit in with the gays because I'm too quiet. I get that a lot. And people are always scared of the quiet ones since there must be something wrong with you if you don't feel the need to jabber incessantly. No, seriously it makes people uncomfortable and I know this so
Cravings seem to have subsided for now. Having some weird thoughts about other ways of acting out but what else is new. I think it was triggered by going off my meds. I can't really afford them at roughly $800 for a three month supply, so I am experimenting with how long I can go without before I have problems. Looks like two days. Back on my meds at a normal dose and I feel like a normal person again. It occurs to me that I am just trading one drug for another but the meds feel different than
