Been just over 72 hours now which means I should have no trace of alcohol left in my system. This may explain why I want it soooooo bad right now. I'm not going to take it though, at least for the moment. It's an hour to hour thing at the moment. I put it away so it would be out of sight. Voices are back, showing booze > seroquel for whatever the f is wrong with me. Either that or the voices were vodka w/d all along. Except I had voices before I ever started drinking, and I remember that the
Sitting here a little surprised that I made it almost 48 hours now without a drink and I haven't imploded or anything. I think/hope that replacing booze with a variety of teas and soft drinks will keep my palate occupied while I detox. Feel pretty much normal so far although I have been just a little jumpy, like too much caffeine even though I'm taking less of that as well. Not on purpose, just too disorganized to get around to making coffee. Exercised a lot over the weekend and taking a break
Lately been okay emotionally but that is with heavy assistance from my pals Johnny Walker and his partner Jimmy Beam. It stops the voices and suicidal thoughts but I'm so goddam fatigued I don't know if it's the Seroquel or the booze. Restarted meditation practice. Heh, it's not called practice for nothing. Meditation seems to make me more virtue oriented. I even start feeling I shouldn't eat meat because I have sympathy with animals that are mistreated on factory farms, and the environmental p
I know this will pass but I can't be arsed to do anything. I think I spent about 3/4 of the day in bed, not asleep but just not feeling like there is anything better to do. Except for going out and having sex with a stranger, which actually was great aside from feeling sheepishly guilty about it afterward. So in addition to being ambivalent about life, etc. I cannot decide if I'm a slut or a responsible long term monogamy type of guy. Maybe I'm just addicted to complications? I am supposed to be
I seem to have more PTSD than I let on about. Goddam I thought I was done with this shit. I want revenge so bad and it has caused me to become such a negative person. I mean, I've always had a dark side but everyone does except the saints of this world. Yet I used to be a very positive person. It started with my mom's visit. The nightmares came back even before she arrived. Now I'm in full on flashback mode and the only direction in my life seems to be either beat the shit out of him or kill my
I've been lurking a lot lately because I don't think I am helping much by writing in the threads. I try to help but I think I am too direct in engaging the topic at hand while being blind to the subtle context underlying it. So for me, I think the right action is to read others' suggestions, since many here are going through similar issues. I am grateful for the community in having nice people who can understand. Feel suicidal and not suicidal at the same time. It depends on how I look at it. If
Ended up celebrating graduation with a night at the bar that stretched into 11 or so next morning. crashed at noon with NO SEROQUEL:D:D:D. I didn't realize it was possible to sleep without but I guess 30 hours awake can do that. Anyway, felt great to wake up and not feel stupid, but intrusive thoughts are back. Suicidal ruminations have taken on a life of their own and I don't know what to do about it. The precipitating factor was the ceremony and the huge crowd that triggered this wave. It's go
Felt okay for the past few days but intrusive thoughts seem to be coming back. Dealing with this using mindfulness. They are telling me to commit suicide and a number of other not-so-uplifting things. They really want something else but I haven't figured it out yet. Might have had visual hallucinations as well last night. I'm also working on thinking positive. This is an ongoing project for me. Need to find sense of purpose in life and self esteem. Not unwarranted sappy self esteem but learn ho
1. There is only one life to live. Mortality is an antidote to fear. 2. If you want to change the world, begin by sweeping your own doorstep. Internal organization precedes external contribution. 3. Mistakes are inevitable. Might as well learn from them. This is my state right now. I need to get better.
Are they the Bad People? They tell me to do the things I was taught are Bad. I have learned a different Bad which is not what gets one in trouble, but is the Bad of submission to the Bad People. The ones, they are not the bad people. But I was taught they are bad. They comfort me. I was taught the good ones are Them. The ones that want to hurt me. Suffering is good and pleasure is bad. This is the teaching of the pink and it seems right and wrong. It contains reflection but also contradiction. P
Today is the first time in a while that I have not felt suicidal. I mean I have wanted to live too, but that was along with a conflicting desire to die. This is new, not having that desire. I'm still trying to get to the bottom of whatever it is that's calling for my attention. Problem is that whatever it is I cannot face it directly so I have to get through all my internal defenses and metaphors, etc. It's not unlike being on a very small dose of LSD in that I'm not literally hallucinating but
Past few days have been really busy, so I think just having the distraction helped me stay in the present. Now I need to focus on more individual stuff and it hurts again. I don't know how to relate to other people. There is something wrong with me that whatever is going to push people away is going to be the first thing I decide to do in a social situation. I have enough emotional intelligence to understand what I'm doing wrong, but not enough to know what the right thing to do is. Humans are s
As opposed to yesterday. Things are not great, but they are pretty good. Intrusive thoughts are quite for right now. Still alive to work another day toward whatever it is I'm supposed to be working for (if only I could figure it out). This is pretty cool because I don't normally feel like I want to live until that oh shit moment when I realize maybe adding OTC sleeping pills on top of Seroquel might have been a bad idea. Which by the way worked out fine. Unisom + Seroquel = awesome dreams. Espec
yesterday meds felt like not enough. impulsively took a higher dose of seroquel last night. Stupid move. Woke up in a state of numbness. Quite numb today emotionally and physically. Using music to cope, but not getting much done. Using mindfulness. This shit comes and goes. Feel full of violence, usually self harm when this comes on. Staying away from dangerous things until this passes.
things hurt. I can't say why. I mean they won't let me say and it's a risk just to mention them. I'm feeling chased. Maybe I deserve this. My thoughts are disrupted. I'm normal for a while then bam, it's like what I would imagine is a bad acid trip and then just as suddenly I'm back in real world again. Or is it the real world? I want to do mountains of drugs so that it will make sense that I am this detached from reality. Sober I have no excuse. If I deserve this, then why am I fighting it. I d
Progress today, I identified what seems to trigger the automatic thoughts. Stress seems to be the big cause. Yet I also seem to have a hair trigger for feeling overwhelmed. I can't really write more. The more I try to figure this out, the further I go away from reality. When I close my eyes I see vivid, dark images. Should probably learn to paint or use graphics software if these persist. I would become a decent horror artist. My brain seems to be resolving random noises into English words. I t
I've gotten to a place where I feel like life may be meaningful if I could just figure out how to make it so. That is, it's my responsibility to put meaning into my life and doing so is possible. The last part of that statement I would not have endorsed a few months ago, and even now I waver back & forth. I feel like I am on the verge of figuring this out, but every time I get too close, my train of thought goes off in a very bizarre direction, like intrusive thoughts about suicide or ideas
Feel not the slightest bit depressed. I'm all motivated for some reason, probably exercise+meditation+drinking heavily. Yeah I know one of those things is not socially approved but it does help when lines between reality and paranoia blur. Had some weird dreams last night. going to take advantage of feeling OK and get stuff done.
3 things i am thankful for today 1. Good stereo for car purchased today. Installer did a great job and store was very down to earth. Good people. 2. Didn't smoke even though I really wanted to. Benadryl seems to help for god knows what reason. 3. Less thoughts of suicide today than usual. ----
i don't know why. i can taste blood in my mouth. Pain all over. thoughts don't make sense. chemical smells. i want it to stop. just fucking please why do I have to keep alive? A few people care, but even they get tired of me. it's so hard to navigate this world that seems to be made for a different type of person than what I am. Am I even a person? I'm sorry. it hurts.
felt better. normally this is not a good thing for me to do. Maybe because this was for a school thing and we had that in common to talk about. Normally all I think is academic anyway, which tends to go over like a lead balloon at happy hour. I was all tense from interview for a job today, think it went ok but I still could have made a better showing. the point is that going to socialize helped me calm down. And I didn't drink because I was on my own to get home. Double edged sword, feels good t
Unmedicated, I felt like the inside of my head had multiple tv's inside it all tuned to different channels. Most of the channels were horror films but some were news programs and others psychedelic avant garde something or other. This made for in interesting cacophony but I couldn't manage my life. In my current stop on the medi-go-round it's more like one TV but the screen is broken, and fragments of personal reflections on events are scattered. Not all of the fragments seem to belong inside my
Coming back to consensus reality was a rude awakening. I was a bit more off center this weekend than I realized at the time. Feel like I was supposed to remember something from the experience but it's like trying to recall a dream too long after waking up. It had something to do with how to stop acting out. It was the key to preventing the guilt. I keep trying to will myself back to sanity but instead I find myself farther and farther away. Complicating the issue is that some of my daydreams are
Yeah so in my infinite wisdom last night I decided I'll just go to bed without taking anything whatsoever. According to the clock I got about 40 minutes of sleep. Um, I don't know how bad this is for my health but aside from the nausea, seroquel withdrawal is interesting. If it's not torching my organs this could be an interesting form of recreation every so often. Definitely not a regular basis thing though. I feel paper thin and really Much like the beginning of a mushroom trip. I've had a fe
