I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.
Entries in this blog
I feel totaly numb. I dont want to go out and even going to university seems too much. Im tired of everything and I dont see reason why
Today was awful day.My brother went completely crazy and he hurt my mother and kicked me at the stomach and now my stomach hurts a lot.I just cant take this anymore
Anxiety is so strong right now .
Im starting to have even physical symptoms
Depression hits me again.I feel suicidal and just empty.Too much things are not fine in my life right now
I just want to sleep and stop thinking about me,my family.Im just so tired.Its like I dont live,because I feel so lonely and worthless.I dont feel like myself anymore.
I want to scream and cry,but I cant.I cant show emotions.Thats why I want to self harm,but I really dont want to start again
Im tired of everything,everyone and most Im tired of myself.I want just to sleep in my bed and dont go anywhere.Im so angry and I dont even know why.........
I have feeling like Im not controling my life.In home is mess.My mother is crying and my father is always angry,because we dont have money.There is a lot of fights.Even my little brother is not ok.He is starting fights without reason.
I have all there exams that I didnt pass,because Im idiot and I cant control my OCD.Im so unsecure and dont know what Im doing .I had thoughts about self-harm,but well I didnt do anything.Im tired of being so weak
This year is so blur.I had awful panic attack.I went to my doctor and she said I need to see psychiatrist.But my mother was with me.And when doctor said that she stepped a little away from me.I felt hurt.I dont want she to be ashemed of me
At home later my mother said I dont have to go,because it will become worse
Im just tired.My family have no money and in home I feel depressed.My mind is too confused and I dont see way out of this mess.
Is it normal to feel angry at my family?My mother said that it could be worse so I dont have to blame them.I know that.But I still cant forget some fights.Maybe I just have to feel guilty
OCD is back.Why,why I cant live normal?Anxiety is so strong,and Im so tired.I talked with one girl from my university and she said that my OCD isnt problem to her. But she will never understand how painful is living this way
Confusion,anger-same as always.My thoughts are racing and its so hard to study this week.
Two months without so strong OCD,but it plays tricks with me now.I feel again confused and lost in these awful fears.I feel so ashemed of myself.Guilt hounds me and I cant escape.
Im so broken.I feel this emptness so badly.One part of me is gone.Even when Im happy isnt the same as before.My happy childhood with my grandma and aunt and later everything is blur and I dont want to remember
Im so tired and empty now.I feel lost.
Five years after my first serious OCD crisis.Why memories still hurts?I cant forget crying and running in the rain trying to stop these bad thoughts.I cant escape from feeling that Im too bad person.
I dont know why I feel this way.I always have this feeling like between me and most people have boundary.I cant communicate good with them.I know this fault is mine,I dont blame people for my problems..If I try to speak with someone,I dont feel joy,I want to escape and be alone.Its like I dont need other people in my life,but I feel sad,lonely and empty when Im alone.I know this sounds stupid.
Well i found out that i leave in my own world,where I feel save.From what?I dont have idea.
I feel happy this month.I felt real happiness before years and was forget this feeling.But I really like it now
I feel like total human failer.When I think about last 4 years I see myself like nothing.I lost most of my friends,I cant fight with OCD,I have this scars on my arms from burning myself,I feel guilty,insecure and lost.My family is sure Im worthless.I think they are right.I feel pain and saddnes.Maybe I dont deserve someone to hear me.Im trapped:(
Im so angry.In my family of course had fight again and my father said he will never come home again and nobady knows where he is.Im sure he will come back,but why he act like a child?I dont know what's wrong with him.For now I have to start to take care for my mother and brother.I see my mother feels really bad.
I feel so tired to live with my parents.I cant take their fights every day.I just want to runaway,but I dont have other place to go.Atmosphere at home is terrible.I love them,but they make my life so stressful:(
Im trying to stay positive,but the pain and sadness are still here.Its like I will never escape from them.:(Somethimes I think maybe I deserve eveything that happen to me.I want to support people around me,but now I see I cant even help myself.
I just dont have idea what to do.This month I feel a little better but Im on so much pressure.My future seems so blur.Its like Im walking but dont know where Im going.I have feeling like I am dreaming.Everything around me seems unreal.
Today I find one of my diaries.In it I am 11 years old.I read it and now I am so :confused:I just cant explain how strange I feel.LIke I saw myself playing with my little brother.I remembered these days.They are so perfect in my mind so bright.Later I read my last diary.I felt big difference.I saw myself afraid of hurting people.I saw my world falling apart.Im mess now.Today Im between my most beautiful memories and most painful memories.Maybe because of New year.I have again this feeling of guilt.