What I learned at EST
Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs.
The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.
By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed. To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself.
Perhaps the most consistent and consequential error of my life has been failing to look to the future. I get very caught up in the drama, misery, inertia and fleeting pleasures of today without regard to tomorrow.
When you don't feel that drive, that hunger, it is hard to gaze at the horizon and envision a better day. A big factor is accepting that good things can happen, that it won't all be wasted effort.
Sometimes not caring feels so good. Today was one of those days. I truly don't care. It's not like I want anything bad to happen, I just don't care if it does. Same goes for good things. Don't care either way.
Because it's all bullshit and none of it matters. It's a very freeing attitude and brought me right into the moment. People get you to care and that's how they hook you. Not anymore...
Why is it so hard to get a new start? Why do feel chained to the past? Why am I always worried? How come just living each day is so hard? Are some people just cursed? Are some people not meant for happiness?
Here are a few things I felt good about today: I got my 20 year old lawn mower started, I went for a slow jog, i did isometrics, I are red pepper and spinach, I took vitamins, i ran errands, had coffee w a friend at a new shoppe that I found that we both liked, I didn't do anything stupid like get drunk or a confrontation, fooled around on the internet, listened to the satellite radio, read a some of a novel, I was not ill except a bit of stomach queasiness and felt ever so slightly dizzy once, and I counted a small amount of cash I have saved in a drawer and my bills are paid. I tried to apply Castaneda's advice to move my assemblage point but did not get upset when I failed as I have no idea what it is or how to do it. The effort did seem to improve my mood as I just took it to mean change your attitude.