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About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Happy? Birthday to Me

Well, I'm another day older. Forty-seven years ago, but yesterday, my mother went into the hospital in labor. However, a helpful but misguided nurse gave her something to put her to sleep, thereby postponing my birth for over twelve hours. To the end, my mother would have to correct herself that I was not born the 2nd of December, because that's the day she went in. Anyway, enough avoidance ... Basically, it's not a good day to think about her, especially about the distance there was between
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Easy habit to lose

It's very easy to lose new habits. I realized this morning that I had forgotten my new medication last night, for instance. Too, it was hard to think of anything to write about, today, but I find it helpful to write, so I'm doing it. Maybe the only thing harder than losing new habits is deciding to form them in the first place. Reading the self-help section of the Topics here, they mention the importance of making a formal plan and reviewing it often. Haven't done that. And I can feel the i
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Wee cough ;-) [Week off]

Well, after being informed of my mother's Friday evening death on Sunday afternoon, I "decided" to "take Monday and Tuesday off". That is, I went to bed, without food or water, for two days. Luckily, my wife didn't leave me, and I had a doctor's appointment for Wednesday that I honored. He suggested Abilify for bipolar disorder, and I started taking it. Now, I know it's probably too early to feel significant effects, and all, but at least my wife and her kids were supportive over Thanksgiving.
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She's gone

My mother died at 6pm Friday night. Thank god I went to see her.
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Worse

Well, I did go to see my mother in the hospice, although I had to sneak over so my wife wouldn't know. My dad was there, sitting with her. She looked worse than I had ever seen her, almost a corpse already. God, what a way to say it ... But throughout the time I was there, I kept switching back and forth between the logical "Well, I guess it's her time, it might even be better for her to go" and me crying. Either way, it seemed to be mostly for me. There was no one there to connect to, any m
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Mom

Looks like my mother may not live very much longer, or so they tell me. I haven't had any real contact with her or my dad for quite a while now. It's too much of a threat to my wife, who calls them both "shits" daily, in her ongoing attempt to make sure that I rely on nothing other than her. Luckily it doesn't work. :-) It has had the effect of cutting off actual contact, however. I look at it as the only way I can shield them from her, as long as I'm still with her. I miss them, for all th
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Self-Help

Well, on advice, I read two of the Topics on here pretty much end-to-end, the "Emotional Resilience" and "Online Self-Help" ones. First, my congratulations on providing such a varied and deep series of articles. Dr. Phil can't match this! ;-) The Self-Help thing did bring certain personal tendencies into focus. First, the difficulty that I find with the methodical planning described there: probably just another form of "running away". Second, the difficulty I have with maintaining emotional
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Why am I here?

So, now that I've spent a little time blowing off steam that I've had to hold in, the question arises: why did I come to a support billboard? Besides the release of pressure already mentioned, several possibilities occur to me. First, it could be a "manipulative mind game", to refer to a post currently on the system. I could be seeking attention, validation, agreement that my problems are really there, etc. I have heard this called "emotional vampirism". I have been scanning, perhaps too ea
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My Hospital Stay

I have found writing, on occasion, helps me to dump stuff (by which my editor means "emotions") onto "paper" so that I can go back and look at them, and possibly experience them that way. It's safer if you read about it, like a newspaper story happening to someone else. I'm not really very well prepared for story-telling, today, but I thought that I would post something anyway, to make myself begin. We're planning another family trip for Christmas this year. Never mind how badly last year's tri
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