Jump to content
Mental Support Community
  • entries
    309
  • comments
    2,103
  • views
    4,973

About this blog

I have found blogging to be useful to me in the past. I get to write what I would write in a journal; anonymous people get to read and comment; everyone is happy.

Entries in this blog

Bookends

Simon & Garfunkel, "Bookends": Long ago, it must be I have a photograph Preserve your memories They're all that's left you. Just something that popped into my head, that needed to be said.
malign

malign

9

My Father Passed Away This Morning

My brother called me at lunch time to tell me that my father was taken to the Emergency room this morning and died about an hour after my brother arrived. I had visited on Sunday, and Dad seemed pale and tired. At least someone was with him when he died. Strangely, my brother was present at the passing of both of my parents, and I was at work both times. At least my alibi is secure.
malign

malign

52

Life Intervenes [could be triggering for those with ill loved ones]

A few weeks ago (August 14th, to be exact), my dad was taken to the hospital because he had fallen in his apartment and couldn't get back up on his own. He's 88 and lives in an old folks' home, but in an independent living apartment of his own. He isn't in great shape: he gets winded walking down a long, level corridor, something he has to do three times a day to get his meals in the cafeteria downstairs. Anyway, they worked him up and didn't find anything in particular, so they guessed it m
malign

malign

20

Okay, So What Does "Duty" Mean?

So, as an interesting follow-on from the last blog entry, a few days later I heard from the opposite part. I began to think about why I continue to go to work each morning, if I hate it so much. The answer was, because I "should". It was only right, if I was going to expect to live the way I do. In fact, I "should" be a better employee than I am, or if I'm going to decide to change to a more laidback job, I "should" start looking. I "should" wash my car, exercise more, clean my apartment, do
malign

malign

36

What Does "Comforting" Mean?

Over the years, I've often received, and often enough given, the advice to "comfort your fearful child part." It has always sounded like good advice, but for some reason it has never seemed to be very successful, when I tried it myself. I've had therapists ask me what I would do, to comfort a child. After some hesitation, I generally reply that I would hug the child and tell them that things will be okay. Yet, imagining situations where those things were done to me, either by others when I wa
malign

malign

49

Life Begins Again

Tomorrow, life begins again. My vacation will be over and I have to get home and start working on the next steps. Today, I rode a bike for four miles and got stung by a wasp a couple of times. {Despite signs of allergy when I was younger, all I did was swell up.} But really, as the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So what are you going to do with it?
malign

malign

9

No Home

I know that sounds scary, but in my case it just means: I'm no longer a home owner! :-) Trust me; it's a good thing. It has taken years, months, days, all of the last two days in particular, but the sale closed late this evening, barring ridiculous unforeseen circumstances, of which there have been many so far. However, I think those eventualities are covered, so I'm ... going on vacation for a week. {I may still show up periodically, however, so behave.} There's no mortgage to burn, but tha
malign

malign

6

Reflection on Psalm 23

I wrote this to someone today, regarding what I learned from the period of my life when I was routinely suicidal, and I thought it would fit into this blog thing. I was a bit surprised at the intensity both of the experience and of my explanation. I think it's possible that at some point I had a kind of religious experience without even realizing it, consciously at least. I was at a funeral service recently, and they read the 23rd Psalm. There is something very real for me about the phrase "th
malign

malign

6

Loosening Up

Let go! You don't run this show. Some things maybe you can guess But most we'll never get to know. Like dust Blown on a wind gust, Or poll'n hoping for a flow'r, We're doom'd to fly where'er we must. To fly Freely through the sky Means giving up our grip on Earth Knowing that either way we die. And see? It's not hard to be Relax'd when you no longer feel That you need control to be free. Wow, I chose a difficult (and awkward) form ... It's just how it came out.
malign

malign

6

Not Important

Well, as you can see, I'm making an effort to update this thing more often. I think for a long time, I've felt like I needed to wait until I had something important to say. Unfortunately, that calls into question what part of me is deciding what's important, and exposes me to my own hubris in assuming that what I did post was important. This is actually an amusing thought, because it's a common assumption in the psychoanalytic world that anything a client says is important. They'll point to t
malign

malign

4

Ramble

I don't really have a planned topic, today, just the urge to post something. So I thought I would ramble. I've been doing a lot of reading over the past year, even by my own rather expansive standards. I think I've been trying to absorb some of the atmosphere and thought patterns of the people who invented psychoanalysis and the times they lived in. And then for some of their successors, and so on. I have no doubt that if I get to take classes in psychology, I'll get plenty of "current though
malign

malign

3

The Story Is Key

Perhaps one of the most remarkable things about human beings is their devotion to stories. I don't just mean campfire stories, fairy tales, myths and legends, though those are included. We tell ourselves stories, large and small, moment to moment, throughout our lives. Our minds practically demand it. What we're trying to do is fit our experiences, the raw facts and sensations of our daily lives, into some sort of larger structure. If we succeed, we'll say things like "that explains it" or "
malign

malign

10

The Silver Sword

Not really a Fairy Godfather story, but a Fairy Godfather kind of story, so ... The Silver Sword A hill, a sword, and an old man A young girl is dreaming: I'm in a forest unmarked by signs of people. Everything is emerald green; the tree trunks are black and slick as if wet. I'm on foot, walking quickly in as straight a line as the trees allow, like I know where I'm going though there is no path. The ground begins to rise, and I continue walking straight up the hill. Near the top the tree
malign

malign

5

Movement

Things might finally start to move on selling the house. Last Friday, we went back to court to get legal fees for the ex's year of appeals, and incidentally, it turns out that she wants (me) to sell the house. That's good, because my understanding was that her resistance was the only reason we weren't selling it. So, I went to a real estate agent last Sunday, and his information is encouraging regarding the market. That means that I now have to do some hurried work to prepare the property bef
malign

malign

2

Make This Day Last

Make this day last. Not because it is the last; it's just the day before the next, just like December 22nd was the day after the end of the world. But because it's this day, this moment, that counts; one day we'll each run out of them. So in a way, every day is a "mental health day". My toast: To Life!
malign

malign

7

What can we do?

I think we're all still trying to deal with the enormity of one young man, with who knows what problems, killing himself, his mother, a school principal and teachers, and a lot of random small children who never did him any harm. I know there's a tendency for us to want to change something as a society, to make sure something like this never happens again. But what? Opinions differ on whether or how to limit the availability of guns; we all wish that more could be done for the mentally ill (a
malign

malign

15

Grinch

Grinch or Office Holiday Party I don't want to be told when to be happy, or how, or why. Not unless you want me to lie. I think it's great that you want to get everyone together to celebrate. But I want to be asked, and I may not say "yes", for without the right to say "no", what does "yes" even mean? Sing carols, if it brings you joy, but don't assume that I'll join you. I sing when the spirit moves me, not because of what you think I should be. No matter how badly you want me to be free, n
malign

malign

5

Getting older

Well, it's my birthday today. I like to think of it as turning 17 for the third time ... Yesterday, I couldn't decide on a birthday celebration. Of course, my mind reframed it by saying that I still don't know what I want to do when I get older ... Or, maybe it just means that I'm already doing it. :-)
malign

malign

9

How to care for your You

I thought I would start a new ongoing series tagged with "Caring for your You". Expect me to make updates to the series periodically, when things occur to me. How to Care for your You Preface Congratulations! You are the owner of a one-of-a-kind being, a You. Now, you might say that everyone else is, too, but the reality is that your You is the only one just like it anywhere in the known Universe, and always will be. You might say you are You-nique (or if you never would say that, I mig
malign

malign

9

With Do and DoNot, There Is No Try

This is a story from one of the Panda Warrior's later teachings. And despite the fact that I'm in the middle of another story, this one claims that now is the time for it to be told. Long ago, in the days before stories, there lived a man, and that man's name was Heerow. He lived on the grasslands at the foot of Sacred Mountain. This man Heerow was not a happy man. Though life on the grasslands was easy, he found himself trapped between Do and DoNot. These two were at war constantly within h
malign

malign

1

The Godfather Gives a Gift

The Fairy Godfather was just an ordinary guy, until the day he received a wand and ruby slippers in the mail. It turned out that the wand allowed him to channel the will of the Universe, and the slippers gave him the power of flight (and bunions.) The Godfather often traveled the countryside with his friend, the Panda Warrior, looking for people whose lives needed improving (and for really good hamburgers, which are harder to find.) Probably, Clark the monkey never even noticed them. Despite
malign

malign

10

Life with a Censor

I didn't know that it would be okay to write anything, that anything I might write would be okay. I thought there were rules, judges and juries whose word was law, truths that were self-evident to everyone but me. So I tried it that way: stiff formalisms over trite ideas, maudlin emotions in rigorous rhythm. It didn't work. But I thought it was me who lacked some gift, some missing piece that left me with just a vocabulary and no voice. But all the time it was me robbing me, letting fear, and th
malign

malign

2

A Follow-Update

Well, I know that anyone who was waiting with bated breath to hear about how the car turned out is now dead from asphyxiation (okay, you can't die that way, but you pass out and get angry at yourself for trying and at me for leaving you in suspense.) It turned out well. I bought the car I was looking at, more or less, and I managed to stay with the open attitude that I am becoming accustomed to, the one that feels like my Self. Of course, the story is more interesting than that. :-) I nursed m
malign

malign

11

An Exercise in Deficiency

I've written recently about how my perception that I had deficits (not just flaws, but flaws that were unacceptable to me) and the defenses I built up so that I wouldn't have to perceive them have influenced my personality structure for most of my life. One of the perceived deficits was that I believed I "should" be skilled at fixing cars, as I believed other men to be (and a secondary deficit is the possibility that I may be more sexist than I would like.) Because I have been having car troub
malign

malign

10
×
×
  • Create New...