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back to this - ???&&&%%%()

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SweetSue

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dunno whats going on - my head is up to its usual tricks again. have to hide sometimes. cant really hide from myself and my own reality though can i. and that - that is what is so damn frustratingly scarey.

gotta get a grip - not sure how. sheeze if i can just figure it out - not all of it, just a small piece, then work on it from there.

balance needed. perspective diffinately needed. logic would be good instead of flying right off into one. whats real isnt real. thats what they say - but they are not me, i know what i hear and see is real to me.

starting to think that talking things through with the nurse most of the night wasnt a good idea - i feel even more insecure about myself now. maybe if i just let them help me instea of running away from them then things mu=ight stan a better chance of working out.

i dont know. im just so very tired of everything. i feel so shit.

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thanks beth.

they had to increase my meds again at the weekend. im just over emotional at the moment. which is making me spiral more. the nurse bless her spent all night sitting with me. i really freaked out on one. episodes like that dont happen very often but sheeze they leave me so muddled up, and drained.

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it has to stop

but when

fingers in my ears and pushing down hard - but i still hear you

even when my eyes are closed i sense you near by

need you to go away and never come back

its the only way that i can make a go of things properly

shit i wish i was at home with a bottle and my pills an just numb myself out

who said this was even do-able

dont want to spend my life in an out of hospitals

i used to be ok

need to get back to my ok

im tired of everything

just want to be happy

miss my sis

really miss my children

regrets - so many

why did i have to get ill again - doofus

are the meds screwing with my head and making things worse

or is it that i am being self pitying an thats whats making things worse

dont want to talk

really dont want therapy today

im scared of this whole situation

dont really know whats going to happen

and that scares the crap out of me.

will i be in hospitals for the rest of my life?

will i/they ever be able to stop the voices/vultures

can i live with this any longer

see i just dont know

anything could happen

anything does happen

losing the strength to search for hope

only ever ha one dream/wish... but is that ever going to happen - or will that turn into another nightmare

shit my head is spinning

lights on - lights off

idk

idgaf !!!

but obviously I do - or why else am i like this now

need to slow down

stop thinking

stfu

tomorrow might be better

where the heck is that magic wand when ya need one?

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im sad

everywhere i look people are hurting

not just here amongst the community

but here in the real world too

everybody is in so much pain and turmoil

i wonder if there is anyone that is actually enjoying life

or is life enjoyment just a pipe dream ????

Does happiness even exist?

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and now its nearly time for my therapy, oh sheeze i feel sorry for my therapist today - my head is going round so frigging fast - i hope that she can keep up with me.:)

hey maybe my head is multi tasking :cool: :)

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and the madness continues - i have not gotten much of a clue what i said in therapy today - ooops - or even if it were productive.

i am actually smiling through my tears as i havnt a clue why i am crying - sheezus

its a strange world - but heck not as strange as the thoughts im getting today. :eek:

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oh Lana, its okay - i didnt come online last night - i couldnt.

im just having the after effects of a over emotional night.

so confused when i have one of those nights. and ofcourse now the voices are kicking in big style. which is just adding to my confusion.

its hard to explain, i have too many thoughts swirling aron insie of me, and then the voices are talking and they have there own ideas of what i should be doing - literally madness.

i am numbing a little now though - they gave me some more meds. so im not as aware of the voices.

therapy - this afternoon - was weird. Im not even sure what i was talking about. so i dont think it could of been very productive - but i suppose atleast i spoke - poor therapist :)

How are you hun?

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I am ok, Sue, thank you. Just taking one day at the time. Still hurting but hoping that time will heal me eventually.

I am sorry about the voices that are causing you so much pain. But I am also very glad that you accepted help and are working through this. I don't believe that you would have to live like this for the rest of your life. You will get better, move on ,which will give you the opprtunity to build a happy future. I have a lot af faith that I hope is contageous. :) Sorry about my poor spelling:)

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sorry your hurting Lana :)

I suppose thats all any of us can o really - just taking one day at a time :)

well Im not sure if faith is contagous but smilies certainly are :) <--- see?

and if your spelling is poor then mine must be too - coz your words look spelt right to me :)

I am tired and am signing off for the night - sleep is calling me.

I hope the rest of your day goes ok

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Hmm. I think if faith were contagious, religious leaders would spend more time sneezing on their congregations ...

My guess is that faith is something that comes from inside, from a place one didn't even know existed, before ...

It sorta worked that way for me, at least.

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