Aw, Sue, I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how scary it must make the hospital seem, to have someone come into your room. I have to say, though, that you getting drunk as soon as you get home is scary, too, at least to me.

It's not a wand and slippers, but I put up more of the hamster story, for when you're awake.

i am not planning to do any of those things that i mentioned earlier, im just shit scared that i WILL do thise things once i have the freedom to do so.

I realise that it sounds really pathetic - but I also realise that a LOT of me has become reliable on the nurses here,- you know its like a coping mechanismn(kinda - thats not the right word, cant think of what it is) you know.... erm, I know that om not allowed to do anything unsafe here - and if I do there is consequences. Ones that arent good - like complete lock down - or the humiliation after s/i'ing and staff finding out and also things arent to hand in here - where as at home - they are.

im scared of myself and of letting my sis down - thats one promise i made to her recently - i really dont want to break it.

nothing like facing yer fears eh?

fuck, im honestly scared. - patheticly so

been busy this afternoon with my therapist - even though i wasnt scheuled to see her - bless her, she is so very kind to me. And many safety measures have been put into place.

however safety measures are easily ignored when the other part of my brain takes over, and whats safe and unsafe get muddles as oes what is now and what was then.

sorry I dont expect anyone to understand.

and im not on a attention seeking expedition.

Im gonna get through this, Im the only one that can mke sure that I do - just wish i could trust my insentives - coz im not 100% sure that they are for the right reasons

Oh my gosh cc - if only I knew what the heck i am playing at - wish I had some courage and some selfbelief right the now...............

ohshitferabrame

Sue, if you feel there is a possibility that you won't be safe at home, it's okay to not go home. I'm so glad you have a caring therapist. Can you talk to someone there about your concerns?

hmmmm, i suppose i have to face facts that not being safe at home is a realistic possibility - although I also have to remember that, how will i ever move forward if I dont try too.

..... even if it is daunting and scarey to go home - thats just me allowing my fears to take over, and i become very child like and insecure when that happens. "reminds self that i am now 37 and a adult":rolleyes:

I leave here in half an hour :eek:

keep tryna tell myself its all gonna be just fine, and when the nurses keep asking me "am i sure im feeling ok about going home" have to be brave and say "yes - its'll cool".

not gonna crumble into stupid panic mode - i refuse too. just hope the next 24 hours or so are bearable and i dont screw it up - this time

I hope it goes well for you, Sue. We're here if you need support.

well, ive been home for about a hour or so.... forcing myself to stick to the routine me and my T worked on yesterday..... its a LOT harder than i thought it would be.... but so far so good.

ive tipped all the alcohol down the loo as soon as i got home, and flushed my drugs away too..... that was so very difficult for me. you know when you really dont want to do something, had to keep counting to ten, saying to myself "right on ten" and then flush 'em - yeah it took many counts before i could - but atleast thats done now - a major temptation out of my way.

now ive just gotta be strong and not go get more - how stupid is that - im already regretting flushing it all away.

my flat is like a old un-used museum..... very dusty and smells damp for some reason... note to self to go investigate where the damp smell is coming from - bet i forget!!!

now i s'pose i should really go to the shops an get some food in for lunch and dinner - humph, that just sounds like more energy than ive gotten right now.

then yucky boring tedious housework

sounds so boring, its such a nice crisp day outside aswell - maybe will go for a walk later

this all just feels surreal

Sue, I hope that you are doing well. What food would you like to get for your lunch and dinner? Do you like to cook or are you a microwaver like me?

hi mary:)

well i love cooking - not so much loving the washig up that goes with it though. plus its not the same when only cooking for one - i miss cooking for my children, actually i miss my children in sooo many ways. so i am a microwavey person these days - fast, simple an hardly any washing up.

how are you hun?

Hi Sue. Housework does get boring after many years, doesn't it?

I hope you enjoy your walk.

hey beth

yep, housework is boring and also never ending.....

cant work out where the damp smell in my flat is coming from and for some weird reason that is making me edgy.....

time for me to go to the shops its saturday here, and the shop shuts at 2:30 - the joys of living out in the sticks - and i really cant be bothered doing the 20 mile round trip into town - just for food.

im tired, maybe i will forego the walk this afternoon and just sleep

thanks for being here you guys - its comforting:o

We're here, Sue, and thinking of you.

(Still working on this darn essay...)

Good job on getting started on the plan you made with your therapist, Sue. I feel safer, anyway ...

How about ruuuuunnnning down to the shops and getting yourself some food and chocolate? Remember, one cool thing about being home is that you make the menu ...

thanks

decided im gonna be really brave and have booked a cab into town.

cant cope with the flat - the damp smell is over bearing - so im gonna have ta go to one of them DIY store thingies and get some stuff - just IDK what. the pong is driving me mad and making me real edgy now.

looks like im gonna be on a scrubbing and re-painting mission all night now

really this is too much aggro - s'ppose it will keep me outta mischief

this is sooo 'me' this afternoon

right now i really gotta go - my cab is due in 5mins

Have a nice outing, Sue!

I hope you had a pleasant outing. WHat is the weather like there? Even though I live near the snowiest city in New York State this year we have had less than an inch of snow. Cold and snow flurries today though...

I'm with Mark...I hope you can eat something, anything YOU choose --- and a chocolate snack?

Hope you have fun at the DIY store. :-)

How are things going, Sue? Just stopping by to say hello.

HA ...... Ive made it

Well, this far anyways.....

I spent all night cleaning and then painting my bedroom - wasnt exactly the kind of distraction techniques my therapist had in mind - however I do now have a beautiful looking bedroom that no longer smells of damp

hmmmm, it just smells of paint now - an its not dry yet

Had a few iffy moments at about 2 or 3 this morning - but i managed to breathe my way through them - and then get back to my painting.

im really hungry now - that'll teach me!!! - next time when i go out to buy food - to actually buy some. I was that pleased with myself that i had gotten new paint and wallpaper(which i havnt put up yet) that i forgot all about food.

i havnt done any drugs (apart from my meds) or drank any alcohol (though admitidly i nearly went and got some this morning)..... so i guess im kinda pleased with myself in a tired hungry kinda way.

im meant to go back to the hospital this morning - but i phoned them instead and told them i would be back by 5pm. An they said it was ok - so now im gonna have a quick shower and start wallpapering my lounge

how can you get some food, sweetie?

I'll bet your digs look gorgeous! May I ask what color???

hi big sis

i can go to the local shop i guess, and i suppose i really should go soon if im going to, as it shuts at 1pm. but then that'll mean cleaning up the mess i have made with the wallpaper paste first..... i seem to have it in my hair and down my back - dunno how it got there:eek:

my bedroom is now 3 colours - just using one colour is too boring for me. two of the walls are mint green, and the other two are a kind of obergine colour - oh and my cieling is now a lovely shade of lilac ..... that probably sounds horrid - but the colours go really well together ... and i think it looks beautiful

my lounge however..... is just ????? ive remembered why i dont like wallpaper!!!

We are sooooo related, sis!

I'm typing in a room I painted lima bean green, blue purple, and a sort of brownish orangish camel color! and I made the color change beyond the corner and into the next wall so they would sort of wrap around...

I love color! Of course the rest of my house is beige because I never got around to doing any more. Painting is work! You must be so exhausted!

We are sooooo related, sis!

yep - good isnt it:o

The image ive gotten in my mind of the colours you have painted your room, is really cool - and the colours look lovely together

my body is very tired - i didnt sleep at all yesterday or last night - i was on a mission.... and when i go like that i cant stop till ive finished.

have to get ready to go back to the hospital soon, dont want to go back - i really want to just stay home and sit in my bedroom - admiring my handywork;)

however i know going back is for the best, its the only way im gonna learn to take care of myself and my emotions properly.

hows your weekend going big sis?

i am back in hospital now - and really struggling to sleep - its almost midnight here. it seems ive managed to get myself in a painting hyper - not good as im not allowed to paint right now - as its 'bed time'

nothing worse that being in a alert creative mood, and not being able to do anything with it

apart from that im doing ok - im proud of myself for not messing up this weekend and for taking care of myself(kinda).

i feel sad though and im not sure why, but in all honesty i could very easily cry my frigging heart out and break down........

hey, sue. good job making through your night at home.

I'm sorry you can't sleep or do anything else.

It's not been easy but I've managed to hold on to these for you........................................................................................

...... :)