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decisions, decisions - :eek:


SweetSue

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Hmmm, been asked today if I feel ready to go home over christmas for a couple of days....... and honestly - I dont know.

I mean, I am doing better of late, and havnt "slipped" or tried to kill myself despite the urges to do so - not sure if thats coz Ive learnt to cope with the urges differently, or if coz of where I am, that its impossible for me to get up to much along those lines. :o

I want to go home - but not as a temporary measure, damn it. The last thing I want to do is screw things up again. And I'm scared that Im gonna end up doing just that. Maybe though that is a unrealistic fear - I get fearful of the stupidist of things at times. :)

Guess Ive gotten some serious thinking and soul searching to do - sheeze Im not good at being assertive enough to just decide one way or the other - or confident enough in myself to believe whole heartidly that Im not gonna trick myself - AGAIN, coz i know Im really good at doing that :D

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thanks big sis :)

i'd like today to be about music or art - but i dont think thats going to happen - Im really tired. didnt manage to get to sleep till about 5am. now most of my day is gone.

still in a sad place - not depressed, just real sad. dont even know why.

im tryna cheer myself up - its just not happening, actually cried on my nurse this morn - i was so frigging scared but again - i dont know why. its pathetic really.

my therapist is coming in to see me this afternoon, maybe she will be able to help me see sense - hopefully.

i feel lost.

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thankgoodness today is nearly over, heavy therapy session - and had no choice but to face up and talk about one or two things that have been plague'ing me lately :D

definately gotten leaky eye syndrome now :)

why does the road to recovery have to hurt so damn much!!! :)

sleeps time soon thanfully - even though i have only been awake for a few hours today im drained beyond what i thought were even possible.

skipping yet another meal tonight - thats not gone down too well with the staff here - but i just cant face food, not now. maybe tomorrow i will have the energy to eat something even if its only to get them off my back.

sulking sue is now gonna damn well goto sleep for the night and hopefully wake up once a better frame of mind has decided to turn up!!! :)

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Maybe it's not the frame of mind that's important, it's the picture inside the frame? :-)

{I like Digger's, for instance. She seems to be looking forward to something, at least when I look at her.}

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today tomorrow thenextday - oneday someday anotherday..........

things will 'be ok' :)

i am so tempted to shout at the top of my voice "whats the point!!!" yet i already now there isnt one - never has been never will be. so really it would be a waste of energy shouting that :D

..... and i know that reads like im being negative, but im not being - im just accepting that there isnt a point to well - anything. what is - just is.

the past is the past

im moving on from it - i have no more lessons to learn from being back there. i do however have so much i want to learn from right now.

so i reckon its time for me to boogle bop it outta here, and the only way im gonna do that is by adjusting how much influence i allow my past to have, and instead concentrate my energies on my today, my future.

im ready to move on :)

i really am :)

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thanks big sis :o

been told im not allowed home for christmas - its kinda upset me a little bit coz i thought i did okay at the weekend.

they are concerned coz of how ive been since i've come back.

like it matters any - its not as if christmas is gonna be anything other than another day to me anyway. it'll soon be over. they best let me home for new years eve though - that is one party i have no intention of missing :)

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dont know what to do with myself. the present moments sucks - big time. im in a sulk - its weird i was actually wondering how well i would cope this weekend, and if i could find enough to do at my flat so that i didnt have time to think - even had it all worked out - was gonna crack on and sort the wallpapering out in my lounge, then i was going to re-decorate my hallway etc.... and now - HUH, now I feel so bloody cheated, coz i aint allowed to go home, and i didnt even screw up on saturday or sunday when i was at home, and i was really tempted to get drunk and buy more drugs - but i didnt, damn well wish i had of done now though. it woulda been wayyyy easier than it actually was if i coulda been numbed out. :o

i swear something that doesnt really mean much of anything to anyone - actually meant a heck of a lot to me - i really dont feel like trying today - and i wanted to this morning - HUH, till i found out - and now, now im just so frigging upset - coz yet again things have been taken out of my hands and out of my control.

seriously so what if im more down than usual this past couple of days - it dont mean im gonna go home an kill myself as soon as i get home. maybe, just maybe this time of year is just too painful for me to be able to smile and laugh, and be the life and soul of the frigging party.

maybe just maybe im realising that whilst most mums are spending their christmases with there children, watching the kids rip into pressies that they have carefully spent hours choosing, and spending such a special day as a family - well just maybe im thinking what my 6 children will be doing and wondering if they have loving parents, if they are happy, if they are cared for, if "father christmas" has remembered each of them this year......... if they even remember me :):o

i need to be home and by myself :)

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thanks for your care beth, i apprieciate your company :)

i know,, i should be used to this - it is the third christmas i have spent on my own - yet somehow it has hit me hard again this year. maybe coz its the twins first christmas. i miss my babies and children so very much. im just praying that they have a better christmas than the ones i knew when i was little. idk - so many thoughts and feelings just invading my brain space at the minute. im overwhelmed from it all. nothing like a momas guilt. :o

need to "snap out of it" i know that i do, as being this way isnt gonna change anything - nothing can. so i should really try to forget.

im sorry.

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thanks for the hugs big sis, think i need them :o

think i need wise kitten too :)

trying hard for it to be a good day today, and not let things get to me too much - easier said than done:rolleyes:

hope that you are ok finding

{{{{hugs big sis}}}}

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thanks:o

im grateful that my day has come to an end. its been a long one. had swim class this afternoon. i did ok.

staff are on my back again - wish they'd leave me alone. if i had any intention of telling them what was going on with me this past day or so - then i woulda told them. but its too personal. staff need to just back off, i will talk when im able, eat if i get hungry, and sleep when im tired. coz like im a grownup!!!

im sad, but its been a good day i suppose :cool:

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....and im being childish and i really totally absolutely DO NOT care!!!

i want to go to sleep - i need sleep - have to sleep before i start waking up again - sheeze i know me better than anyone knows me - why the heck do i have to stay awake for. Every damn time i drop off to sleep im woken up and told its "too early" its not too flipping early - im tired now - that makes it the perfect time for me to go to sleep - like der - OBVIOUSLY :mad:

So now im just about awake (damn it) im pissed off coz im awake - still, and i am most definately SULKING :mad:

and i need to calm the heck down coz i know allowing myself to get wound up like this ultimately hurts me - but right now idgaf - sheeze i could quite happily stand upright, fold my arms and stomp my feet.

ireally do get ratty when im tired :o

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calming down a little now - aslong as the frigging nurses stay outta my room for a while - coz they are just winding me up further - by asking whats wrong. feel like say nothing im perfectly fine - why else would i be in here. oh sheeze this week seriously is too much for me. s'pose they were right not to let me home at the weekend, dont think i can trust myself when my mood dips like this......

now im gonna go - and meditate, unwind and maybe hit a few walls along the way to the meditation room. hitting out usually seems to ease my anger much quicker than meditating - maybe with both i will be fine.

roll on sleeps time - ...please :o

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