I buy lotto once a month for my boyfriend. Just in case you know. Don't want to do it too much because if you look at the odds it's not a good bargain. It is called the fools' tax for a reason. I won $3 this month though.

If I had more money I would certainly worry less. Most of my anxiety is about providing for myself and aging parent in the future.

I just wanted to say hello and wish you well. I hope the new year is healing for you.

Don't fret the worst-case possible scenario. Besides, surely someone would take you in!

@ IJ - thanks and same to you.

@Jai - sheesh and I am constantly telling other people they are catastrophizing. My boyfriend is aware of my issues and has said that he would take care of me if I got so far as to be disabled. I could just teach English in Thailand for income. Wouldn't be much but at least still making a contribution.

I just went over what I read and it looks like I was in a weird state when I wrote it, as are most of my blog postings. I realize it's rather poorly written. While just getting things out to capture fleeting insights is the focus, I do try to write well in my blogs. It's too long to rewrite though. I believe I was a little too self pitying and will keep this as is to remind myself what that looks like.

I don't think it was poorly written or self-pitying. You got a bunch of ideas across. It feels like a New Year's blog. Reflection, acceptance, challenges, future plans.

You do seem obsessed with answering the question: "Am I normal?" I think maybe the question is "Am I being my authentic self?" Because I think NOT being that is what gets us into trouble. That's what makes us feel not normal. Because I don't really believe in normal. I believe in feeling at peace, feeling comfortable in one's own skin, feeling accepted, having interests, unique talents, a passion, fitting in somewhere, having a place in society, having 2-way loving relationships, having something to offer the world, joi-de-vivre, feeling fulfilled. I guess to me - that's the goal. I don't know if I'd describe that as 'normal'. It's probably a bit demanding. I don't think that achieving all that is 'normal'. But that's what I want.

When I look around, what others seem to want are material things - is that normal? If so, I definitely don't want to be normal. I'll take loving relationships over a fancy car or house any day.

I think I haven't been my authentic self for a while, and that could very well how I got in this mess. Somewhere along the way I picked up the label that the real me was bad, and I had better conform in order to survive.

I think my depression got severe when it started to occur to me that my authentic self may be beyond recovery, or that maybe I committed a suicide of sorts already in killing my original personality in order to fit in. Of course my resentment at feeling I must conform didn't do any favors for me socially so overall it wasn't the best bargain.

Feeling comfortable in my own skin, fitting in, being accepted sounds nice. If I could achieve even one of these all this money on therapy & meds would be worth it.

But what I mean by normal is just the opposite of dysfunctional. Functional sounds too much like the way you would describe a robot or piece of equipment. Able to have healthy relationships and appropriate emotional and behavioral reactions without resorting to meds or the guidance of a therapist. Definitely not normal in the sense of average, as most people probably don't meet this definition.

I think I haven't been my authentic self for a while, and that could very well how I got in this mess. Somewhere along the way I picked up the label that the real me was bad, and I had better conform in order to survive.

This sounds like this problem has not been lifelong then. Can you remember what your 'authentic' self was like?

I think my depression got severe when it started to occur to me that my authentic self may be beyond recovery...

I feel like this several times a day...beyond recovery. But part of us DOES believe in recovery because we are still trying. I think the tough part is not to be complacent in therapy. Be demanding, guide it, when you get blocked, figure your way out with the T. Find the answer to the question "Is this the right T, the right type of therapy for me?" If you are doubtful, do what you need to do to be sure that you are going down the right path. At least that's where my head's at after resolving my last long blog post.

This sounds like this problem has not been lifelong then. Can you remember what your 'authentic' self was like?

Yes. I can't quite explain it but it has a lot to do with music. I used to hear music in my head as if it were part of my inner dialogue. I don't anymore' date=' but when I play sometimes certain musical phrases come out that suggest it's in there somewhere.

But part of us DOES believe in recovery because we are still trying. I think the tough part is not to be complacent in therapy. Be demanding, guide it, when you get blocked, figure your way out with the T.

I alternate between hope and despair. At the low points there is the fact that my boyfriend has done so much to help me stay afloat that it would be cruel to throw all that away. But when there is hope I work hard and hopefully get a little better each time. I am doing better now than I was, at least behaviorally. Drinking less, more productive, etc. As long as I'm making progress I'll keep working on it.

Yes. I can't quite explain it but it has a lot to do with music. I used to hear music in my head as if it were part of my inner dialogue. I don't anymore' date=' but when I play sometimes certain musical phrases come out that suggest it's in there somewhere.

[/quote'] What happened? Was there a specific event that happened around the time this faded away?

I alternate between hope and despair. At the low points there is the fact that my boyfriend has done so much to help me stay afloat that it would be cruel to throw all that away. But when there is hope I work hard and hopefully get a little better each time. I am doing better now than I was' date=' at least behaviorally. Drinking less, more productive, etc. As long as I'm making progress I'll keep working on it.[/quote'] OK, so behaviourally and physically you are improving. Yet you still fall into despair. Is there a trigger to this? Do you feel like you are getting the support you need from your CBT therapist in order to tackle the emotional side? Has despair become so ingrained that to lose that would be like losing part of your identity? ie: you are on the right track but some demon inside you says "No, you just aren't meant to be happy - you just don't deserve it".

I can't point to a specific event; it happened gradually as my anxiety got worse and worse. The anxiety was triggered by the economy most recently. I stopped practicing and lost my creativity.

I feel like my therapist is still trying to get to know me. I don't feel very supported, but from what I've been told CBT isn't a supportive mode of therapy; it's more like skills training.

My despair has become deeply ingrained but I wouldn't say it's a part of my identity. It feels alien from my identity and that's why I think there is something wrong.

Not that I think I deserve to be happy. It would be nice to be happy but if I weren't happy per se but at least didn't struggle with suicidal and self destructive urges then I would consider therapy & medication to be a success.

I can't point to a specific event; it happened gradually as my anxiety got worse and worse. The anxiety was triggered by the economy most recently. I stopped practicing and lost my creativity.

Would it help to go for lessons? A set weekly time with a teacher to hold you accountable?

I feel like my therapist is still trying to get to know me. I don't feel very supported' date=' but from what I've been told CBT isn't a supportive mode of therapy; it's more like skills training. [/quote'] Exactly - skills training.

My despair has become deeply ingrained but I wouldn't say it's a part of my identity. It feels alien from my identity and that's why I think there is something wrong.

Strangely, I think that's actually a positive. Maybe reading some positive/inspirational things would help you. It seems you are anxious about what's going on in the world, jaded about society and how people seem to want to just screw everybody else over. The media is a huge source of this horridness. 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' always managed to pick me up and restore my faith in humanity. Hmmm, now I wonder where that's got to.....I must go look.

I thought about lessons but if I did that they'd probably be piano lessons because I want to learn that and I'm already advanced in bass where a teacher wouldn't do much good.

I'm reading three books right now. Will check out chicken soup for the soul if I come across it in a bookstore

Wow - you must be really good. I took my first keyboard lesson yesterday. Learned piano as a kid but I want to learn the tricks of the trade, not just royal conservatory stuff.

Oh, and i concede victory to you Ralph on our pact. Should have been checking in weekly. I'm sure you exercised WAYYYY more than i avoided the net. Anyway, i got some good feedback from another site that is really helping me now in therapy. So my penalty is no junkfood/sweets for a week.

That's gonna be tough. Gotta clear out the pantry first:).

I'm exercising 4-6 times a week now. It feels strange to skip a day because I've got the gym in my daily routine.

I need to cut back on junk food too. Even with this exercising and trying to watch my diet I'm still gaining weight. Obviously not watching closely enough.

Way to go Ralph. They say exercise is a habit that, once it becomes regular, you miss when you don't do it. I sure find that to be true.