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oh great!

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SweetSue

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Somedays seem so perfect, things go better than planned and my self expectations are exceeded, things are kept to a level I can cope with - them are the days that a part of me says YAY I can make it through to the next :)

Somedays are just sent to me straight from hell on earth, seriously draining, completely fucked up thoughts - yeah and actions, that push me further back than I thought posible - them are the days when death seems like a bloody good and realistic idea, my only option. :o

And then I get days like today - when I think oh for the love of spite, just STFU, its Life. Who the fuck am I to grumble about such tedious things. Just suck it up, and deal. Do one thing or the other - its impossible to do both. So I try - for a bit , till reality wakes me up with a thud! - coz trying aint working, or coz its too hard, so I go to the other option - them are the days that Im at my most harmful.:mad:

Guess thats why Im where I am. Coz days dont matter, achievements dont matter, hope dont matter - coz in the end - Im back to square one - a F'kd Up mess :(

thats it, my life - oh great!

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We all have days like this, sweetie. The road to an emotional recovery has never been easy. Sometimes life just makes no sense. But we are still here, so we continue on going even on days like this one. Embrace your wonderful, caring and giving personality, even when nothing, NOTHING makes sense, you are still an amazing friend who is needed and who is loved by so many.

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been moved - again :)

want ta go back ta where i woz :mad:

I HATE THIS WARD - but more, much more than the ward I've been shoved onto - I HATE THIS DORMATORY!!!.

I'm anti-social - I dont like being with people 24 friggin 7 - especially people I dont know - or want to know.

I can really see THIS working out :)

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I've been on this ward since late last night - cant take it anymore !!!

OK - finished whinging - oops - sorry ;)

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Hmmm, No I damn well havnt :mad:

It takes the blatant PISS - I've requested to be moved, hmmmm every 15 minutes, since I got here - when they do their stupid room checks. I've requested and then demanded to be discharged (before I friggin' kill someone :mad:) ((obviously I aint told them that part - reckon it wouldnt go down too well)). And I keep being told the same pack of BS - I have to wait for the on call P'doc to arrive. SHIT, you can travel to america from here, in the time its taken the flipping quack to arrive - and I'm still waiting :mad:

Sheeze, why couldnt they just leave me the heck alone!!! :)

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hmph, i dont wanna be moved to a different room, different ward, different hospital - i want to just go home, curl up in a ball and snuggle with gertie - pure and simple, thats it.

i gotta get me outta here. dont care anymore about trying to do whats right. whos to say staying in hospital is right anyway - coz it could be just as right for me to be at home an work through my shit there as here.

stubborn stroppy mood well and truely established, and thats THAT.

dont care what i have to say - i is getting me home - TONIGHT.

not sectioned anymore so what the heck can they do to stop me - sweet fa.

sorry i sound so flipping childish, ungrateful etc, etc.... - i am actually aware of that. i wouldnt bother reading this blog if i were you - its not gonna get any nicer anytime soon.

take care all

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I'm reading. Hope you don't mind. Does all of the commotion stress you out? Is there some way you can calm yourself right now? Breathe. Maybe think of the sound of a gentle rain.

(I still haven't figured out what "fa" means....:confused:)

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Beth fa, as in sweet fa, it kinda means sweet fuck all. (yeah long story, so wont even bother going into where that saying originates from, lets just say ive had that one shouted at me from a young age - dunno why i say it really that always P'd me off :mad:)

and big sis, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO things aint any better today :)

but thanks both of you, for caring :)

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Back on a 3 dayer - that'll teach me for being a obstinate, mouthy, pain in the ass (nah it wont though - it felt right being like that, so im sure if the situation arises again - which undoubtedly it will in say ohhh about 58 hours time (when my section is up) - i will be just as bleeding obstinate, mouthy and a pain in the ass if not more so!!! :mad:

reminds self im gonna be 38 soon enough, and maybe its time to just grow the hell up or im never gonna get outta here - though in saying that how can yer 'behave correctly' when someone just take the blatant mick - am i really just meant to sit there and nod my head in agreement politely and say a big fat "Thankyou Sir" huh, dont think so - not anymore - not in this friggin' lifetime :mad:

guess reckon im gonna be labelled with a attitude problem/disorder - if there is such a thing - but ya know what i really could NOT give a ratz ass, a monkeys banana or anything else i have just SOooooooooo had enough of being spoken too like shit, treated like shit and just sitting back and taking it. Im fed up of letting them upset me, i'd much rather be angry at them than give them the satisfaction of even more of my tears. :mad:

Oh sheeze if you guys are still reading this - Im sorry. Maybe you shoulnt, coz honestly im in a mood sent straight from hell itself and i dont want my words to upset anyone. Yeah sorry :o

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Your words don't upset me. I wish I knew how to help. Did someone yell at you or say something upsetting? I'm trying to understand. I hope you can find your way to emotional balance.

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"Taking the mickey" out of someone = making fun of them.

Sue, do you think you could work on the middle ground between anger and tears? You could just tell them that you didn't like being spoken to that way, and see what happens ...

You don't deserve it, so it should stop when you point it out. It's worth a try, anyway, and you could always go back to getting angry if it doesn't work.

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IDK - if someone yelled (other than me) or if they even upset me in the first place - i cant remember now. Just that i know this feeling inside of me - and i know what creates it - not good :mad:

Kinda remember sorta what set me off - and that was getting moved again - never did accept change very well. (rolleyes).

Huh, then some jerk face nurse reminded me of another nurse from a couple of years ago - not in looks but in his mannerisms. And that - THAT really did not help - AT ALL.

They wouldnt/wont let me leave barstewards. so now im stuck. on a frigging ward - with Jerk face, doing my head in talking down at me, and basikly i just want to kill him. :mad:

But then im not sure if that IS what has gotten me so damn wound up. Its entirely possible ive seriously JUST had enough. Or that they reduced my meds too soon - or im just being a spoilt bratt - couldnt say. - go figure

IDK - thats it - I just dont know. Its everything. probably :o :mad:

if theres a middle ground big bro - im sure as hell dont know how that one works or if it even exsists. I mean does it? I aint gotten a clue anymore - seriously.

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Close your eyes and breathe, Sue. Imagine soft Gertie in your arms. Think of all of us around you, supporting you and offering our care.

Is it possible you were triggered today by past memories?

I can understand how change feels frightening. Can you express yourself to the nurse who is with you now? You might say that you feel as though you are being talked down to and this upsets, angers, frustrates and hurts you.

It's going to be okay, Sue.

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If you are continually feeling not safe, I imagine you will feel triggered over and over again :o:):(

Is there a way to assess what is safe and not safe in this? For sure the trauma of the past was not safe, and memories of that will bring all that up. Are there things about right now that are ok? Is there anything that could reduce the triggers and get you to that middle ground where life becomes possible again? Is there anyone half way decent you could talk to? Are you able to meet with your therapist?

Sorry for all these words, lil sis : ( I just want to help. I wish there was someone around you that could hear you and that you could tell what is going on for you. You always have us :o.

((((( hugs to you, dear one )))))

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Found out who my main nurse is today - and its Jerk Face!, damn it :mad: xs one hundred million trillion infinity +1 :mad:

its a very bad day - especially if yer name is Jerk Face, shit isnt that just the very worstest of badest luck ever imaginable on this bloody forsaken planet - otherwise known as Mr Sod and Mr Murphy ganging up on me :o :mad:

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Not in a good mood - AT ALL, it doesnt show though right? :o

got myself into a LOT of trouble today especially with my rudeness, I cant seem to stop it. Someone pisses me right off, and instead of calmly registering what to say - I just plain on open my gob, and its hello 'Potty Mouth!'

what the heck is happening to me??????????????

this aint usual behaviour for me!

well i hope it aint usual behaviour for me :)

FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Im just so angry - at everything and everyone. I so have to get out of this damn hospital, sooner the better - for all involved!!! :mad:

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Sue, in a calm moment can you tell someone (preferably higher up in the chain than this nurse named JF) about why he bothers you? That he reminds you of someone who hurt you in the past? It might give them some insight into why you're angry, at least.

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Like who?

Who the heck do I tell? Hes my named nurse - above him is p'doc probably or his manager - and I aint gotten a clue who that is or how to get hold of him/her. I dont really know p'doc here, only seen p'doc a couple of times and that was to recomend jabbing me - which they damn well did!!! - the cheek :mad:

IDK, even if I had the balls?/knowhow? to tell another member of staff - I already know what they will say - He's lovely and I'm over reacting, mentally unstable, and being stupid coz its mis-placed fear/anger - and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Jerk Faces' attitude/mannerisms stink and wind me the heck up!!! :mad:

Hello brick wall.

Yeah I'm sorry I'm really head fucked on this - I just want to get as far away from here as possible. See my Therapist on thursday - maybe she will be able to help - I dunno. Guess I just have to hold out till then :o

Hmmm, just realised I type pretty damn quick when I'm like this - how :cool:

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*snerk*

If we could just keep you pissed off, you'd make a great legal secretary. :-)

Yah, I know it feels helpless when you're in hospital; it was the same for me. Would it make it worse if they told you he's lovely? At least you would have tried. And hopefully, you would have had the chance to let people understand why you're angry. Maybe it wouldn't make anything better, but if you don't try, you're pretty much guaranteed that it won't ...

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Hmmm, not sure a legal secretary would be a good idea - I hate our legal system - with all my heart!!!!!!!!!!!

Besides I dont think they'd approve of my great useage of curse words - Oooooooooooppppppssss

Think if anyone had the ordasity to actually tell me that he is really lovely I wouldnt be able to stop myself from punching them in their lying face. Shit big bro I'm really serious on that - I would actually hit them.:o

I need to locate a little bit of calmness - Ive lost the plot on that score completely. Think I'm letting me get 'this' out of all proportion and I'm allowing myself to get out of control. Kinda stupid coz I know exactly what I'm doing - just cant stop myself from plumphing!:)

Why do I have to be either this stupid little person that justs lets people walk all over me and talk/treat me how they want to - OR - some gobby mouthy shite that could do someone some serious damage, which is scarey coz Ive never allowed myself to be like that to others (just toward myself).

Shit I just dont know anymore who the heck I'm allowing myself to become - coz when I get this angry, it seems okay to be mean and nasty, like its perfectly acceptable and easily justified, in the world of Sue :mad:

Guess a guess to guess some guesses to be guessed :confused:

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Why do you have to be either this or that extreme?

Maybe because no one has given you the chance to see whether the middle ground works.

But that also involves a risk for you, that you have to decide to take. It involves trying the middle ground behavior, and not hitting people if it doesn't turn out the way you want ...

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Is this anger coming out now because.... it can? :(:o

It's a well used exercise, but, what would you do if you saw someone you loved in this much pain? What would you want for her?

I'm so very sorry you hurt, lil sis. :o:)

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