I have all the answers but none of the skills.

Thinking there is something to be learned from panic. Something is not right with the way I'm living my life to be so afraid of death but at the same time aversive to life. Mainly it's I am afraid of what my family would find if I did have a heart attack, and with my blood pressure where it is that is a real fear.

There is also the feeling that I've wasted and am wasting the opportunities afforded me. Human beings are the result of millions of years of evolution and here I can't get over my past trauma. It only makes it worse though to live in fear throughout my life for many years after the abuse has stopped. So why do I keep doing it. Possibly never considered any other possibility, but OTOH it's an easy out. I don't have to expect anything of myself if I'm broken.

At the same time being broken makes it difficult to take risks. When the prospect of failure reminds me of harshly violent events from the past that I have yet to make sense of, I tend to withdraw and restrict my activities. Unfortunately I've withdrawn so well that I hardly have a life at all, and don't really know who I am. I might be self aware, but not self knowing.