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Ralph

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Working on why/how to live. If I am so afraid to die for nothing then there must be something I want to live for. Coming up blank on the usual candidates such as family, service, making the world a better place, etc. All seems fake or nice to think about but no follow through when I try to do it. When I try to figure it out it's like something I can't face yet is in the way, trying to get my attention but I know there is pain in it so I shy away. It feels like something and nothing at the same time. Fear of the unfeeling, losing contact with emotion and then having emotions about the lack of emotion.

It doesn't make sense, but in a way I don't mind. I'm not lost I'm exploring. Yeah. That's it. I could be rapidly approaching the point where I finally take my medicine so to speak and face the shards of memories stalking my awareness. Some of them are good, which holds my attention. It's like reaching through broken glass for something beautiful, but I don't know how to grasp it. Panic is just around the corner, but I am familiar enough with it that I can manage it now.

I am hearing the music again. Practicing more, sometimes just riffing on scales and every once in a while I'll play something that doesn't seem to be me, but the music coming through me. The reason I play is that it calms my racing thoughts, but to get good music out of my instrument every so often is kind of nice too.

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the core problem is that I don't have the skills to cope with bad memories. I do stupid stuff when I am running away from them, leading to the things you mentioned.
What kind of bad memories? Major traumatic event or years of years of people letting you down in some form or another and therefore you've simply grown to expect the worst from people?

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It's a few moderately traumatic events that have grouped together into one mass. I really can't or won't remember the details... It might be stupid stuff that I do to get away from it but in the end I do manage to shove it all away behind my daily awareness. I'm quite good at forgetting.

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Yes, when I was in therapy for PTSD. It was a little hard to get at them but then once they were out it was rough getting them back contained so I could go about the rest of my day.

I processed most of it but these ones still feel a little too scary to take head on. My current therapist is CBT oriented so doesn't do much with traumatic memories.

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Sorry Ralph, that sounds rough. I suppose CBT could help you cope at some level until you are ready to deal with the tough memories. What do you think would have to happen for you to feel strong enough to handle them? What made you leave the PTSD therapist?

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Thanks for your questions; they help me work through some stuff. The PTSD therapist moved out of state. I think I'm getting stronger now, which is why this issue is starting to come to the surface. It's just that in the back of my mind is a big flashing warning that this piece was buried so deep for a reason. I'm afraid of remembering something I was better off forgetting.

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Too bad about your T. I'd be a complete mess if mine stopped right now.

It seems that your problem at the moment then is indecision. And fear keeping you in that state. It probably takes effort to go track down the right T for this and any excuse to procrastinate is probably stopping you dead in your tracks. Maybe you could write down the required steps to get you moving on this and it would give you that little nudge that you need.

Just a thought.

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