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learning to walk toward tomorrow

SweetSue

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Guess I'm getting there!

Its been a very busy tiresome couple of months or so - and seriously the temptation to just stay sleeping some days rather than get up and go to work is almost overwhelming - yet each day I drag my bum outta bed (a mission in itself) put one foot infront of the other and just keep walking :o

Work and me have a love/hate relationship - I dont want to work (does anybody really) but needs must (I suppose) if Im gonna be the kind of person who wants to keep a roof over her head :rolleyes:

.......... and work is about all I do these days - this is my first day off in weeks.

But I have a goal that Im working toward, so Im working harder than hard (which I hate) so that I can visit Romania for 6 months next year, and then go to Bethlehem the year after. Then all this work will be worth it.

Im still on my meds (yuk) and most days I do actually take them. Seems my life has gone from one extreme to another, guess theres nothing new there.

But atleast I can smile again :)

(and that means a lot to me)



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But atleast I can smile again :)

(and that means a lot to me)

It means a lot to me too and to so many of us, I imagine. How wonderful for you. I'm smiling now too. :)

I'm glad that you have a goal to work towards. We are behind you 100%. It's so good to hear from you. :D

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Hi Sue ! I'm so happy to see you here :D Thanks for keeping in touch. :D:D Can't stop smiling :D I missed you!

I'm glad you are well and planning vacations....they sound wonderful!

click on the link if the photo doesn't show..... (((HUGS)))

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Sue! I'm so happy to hear how you're doing!

Romania? sounds very interesting...I would love to hear more about your plans...and what it is about romania that calls to you?

Well, it sounds like you;ve taken the first step on such an amazing adventure already...the 'buckle down and save up' step =)

=j

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Wow, Sue, I'm so glad to hear you're doing relatively well. I knew when you disappeared from this site that things were going better for you, but I hadn't realized how much we'd all miss you. When you left, the place kind of died down. I guess there's something about your presence that really keeps this place alive.

Please, take care and continue to get better.

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:) :) Another happy day today - kinda :rolleyes:

The Sun has finally remembered that this is England and the rain has returned - Yay!

Work is looming, and then at around 3am I should be back home sleeping - cant wait to finish work today, and I havnt even gotten there yet ..... oops

Thanks for all your kind words and I hope that you're all doing ok.:o

Take care

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You're learning to walk toward 3 a.m. tomorrow! :-)

How much sun do you see, working second shift? I'm picturing Digger getting verrrrrrrry pale.

Take care of yourself, lil sis.

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I'm a tad confused this past day or so. Everything is still cool and I'm perfectly happy/healthy off in a kinda weird insane tangent. Just muddled. Reckon over thinking is to blame on that score.

Pappas' birthday was a few days ago and it woulda been my mums birthday on the 2nd (whenever that is/was), so I guess that can of worms was bound to yet again be re-opened. I was kinda expecting myself to hit the rails a bit (its what usually happens) and rationally booked a few days off work, so that I could get pissed as a fart and stoned off my face. (welcome to the wonderful world of me :rolleyes:)

And honestly although I knew at the time this wasnt the appropriate behaviour, I convinced myself it was OK and fine to do this - after all I've been little miss goodie two shoes for months now, besides who's kiddin' who here, with me it has always been a case of 'Little Miss Goodie Two Shoes' life being carried by 'Little Miss Naughty'. And thats where this whole confusion has started taking over me.....

See, I've always wanted to be good - do the right thing, be nice to others, stay outta trouble, blah de blah de blah blah blah, etc..... (big yawn huh?) But then again Ive always managed to screw that side of things up too, and my logic on this matter doesnt exactly help the situations I get myself into. My logic is that if Im good for a certain period of time (that Ive managed to talk myself into) then its perfectly allowed (in the imaginary rule book of Sue) to say blow this shit, and let the not so good parts of me out to play.

I mean seriously, how many times can I just take everything, shrug my shoulders like it dont matter none. "Smile and wave boys"

Reality is, it does matter - big time.

Its not a wonderful existance, and me tryna keep up with my endless desire to be good, do good - just is NOT possible or realistic.

I do get days where I want to scream at people "sod off and leave me alone", or days where I could quite happily bomp ont the nose the next idiot that decides to ask me out on a date - be that male or as happened two figgin' days ago female. The days that I dont want to go to work, I dont want to be polite and I dont want to agree to doing stuff I REALLY dont want to do.

Yet on each of these days I find myself talking to people with respect and politely, managing to NOT bomp or punch idiots that think Im gonna be the next notch on their belt. I get up and go to work, stay polit (even if at time sarcastically so - but this I rationalise is ok, coz if the person Im being sarcastic to dont realise it - then it dont matter none - and sarcasm has always been a fondness of mine. And as usual I not only agree to stuff I dont want to do - but do it willingly and with a damn smile on my face.

Needless to say, so far Ive wasted my time off work and been 'good' - as in not had a drink, gotten stoned, Od'd or punched anyone

But I am seriously wondering how much longer the good in me can last.

Yep Ive certainly been over thinking

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It's okay to feel angry, Sue. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel frustrated. It's okay to feel hurt, annoyed and anything that you feel. I'm sorry for your pain. :(

Do you ever have the opportunity to spend any social time with friends or do things that bring you joy?

I hope you're okay. You're in my thoughts.

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Heya Sue! :)

When you find yourself caught between one pole and another (good Sue/"naughty" Sue), is it possible to reach for a "third thing?" Those polarizations between parts that are caught in a power struggle can really get us going :( Coming here is one possibility--- we are here for you! Does talking out the things that are bugging you relieve some pressure?

For me it helps to stand back and look at my parts and how very hard they are working and trying to do the best they know how. From that starting point, sometimes I can think of something new to try.

"Good" Sue wants so very much to function and do what is right. She doesn't know what to do with all the negativity of the past.... can we blame her? Maybe we can give her a little helping hand though... tell her she doesn't have to "fix" everything. Thank her for how hard she tries and allow her to rest and be.

"Naughty" Sue wants to relieve building pressure--- maybe that has been her job. We can honor her efforts to reconnect with shut away energy and also give her a helping hand.... she needs a way to give you outlets and expression that don't earn her hatred from the rest of you. Connecting with your pent up energy has vital value... can you give this part of you honor?

Unless you can get real creative and imagine "good" and "bad" sitting down together and working things out....maybe a start would be to give them different names? Then they can have a chance to get into a different relationship with you? Names like "good" and "bad" can set things off right away...

Hope you are ok today, SueSue :o

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Back to backness again (woteva that means???), dunno wtf i was really trying to say the other day, reckon I was just justing - that and in a round about way whinging, coz I didnt have a frigging clue what I was doing or gonna do - if that makes any sense what so ever :confused:

So Ive decided to ignore the previous few days or so, and just carry on doing what Im meant to do. :)

The scotch remains un-opened, and Ive been better than I thought possible of me - seems I can also ignore temptations - even when they are staring me in the face - at times literally, so Yay me!

Being good or not doesnt really matter, it changes nothing, because what ever happens or what ever I do, there I am, and things are just gonna be what they are, and I have no choice cept tp deal. So if I cant influence the outcome then why should I concern myself with it?

Back to the grindstone - temporary insanity has passed ( I hope) - and now Ive just gotten the usual madness of me to contend with, reckon I can handle that.:)

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