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Broken

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Andromeda

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Im so broken.I feel this emptness so badly.One part of me is gone.Even when Im happy isnt the same as before.My happy childhood with my grandma and aunt and later everything is blur and I dont want to remember

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(((Andromeda)))

What / which is the part of you that you're missing? Do you think she's really gone or only has been intimidated and doesn't want to show up?

It's great that your early childhood was happy; you have a good "basis" for your life, despite the times that came after (and seem blur now). Memories can sometimes be very comforting to me. Can you find some comfort in them, too?

I think children and (at least some?) teens in general can enjoy strong feelings of happiness more intensively than adults, or rather; they "need less to achieve them". But that doesn't mean that you can never feel very happy again. There are some states (as being in love ;)) and some moments / occasions when intensive feelings of happiness can come again. However, I'd say it's better to accept the fact that it will never be the same (in frequency and maybe also intensity, I don't know) as it was in the happiest times of childhood. (But there's also another thing to consider: Our memory is selective. You remember the happy times but almost not their unpleasant moments (and the ordinary-ones are totally forgotten!!!), but it doesn't mean that in the happy times, everything was perfect. It's an illusion created by our memory.)

Ou, it seems I'm too pessimistic here :(. But what I want to say is that... we can profit from the happy moments of our past and can have a faith in the future happy moments. But most of all, we should enjoy the present "better moments" as much as we currently can. I know it's sometimes quite hard :(...

I'm sorry if this "babbling" of mine is just useless :o ... These are definitely thoughts I need to remember as well, so... that's probably why I'm writing so much about it...

Take care!

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I really dont have idea what part of me is missing,but I feel like inside me have big hole.

Yes Im glad I have good memories they really make me feel better sometimes.I think everything that you said is right Lala.I know that adults dont have so intense feelings.

Maybe problems make me numb and I cant feel like before.Im burden to everybody.This is what most people think,even my family.My father is sure Im totaly worthless.Maybe he is right.

Im sorry I write things that dont have so much sense,but I cant concentrate well this week

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Who is your father to decide about your worth??? Why would you give him the power, the competence to decide this for you???

I know you don't belive him, but I'm sad that you still doubt about it. There's no doubt. You might be "worthless" for him (what I doubt a bit, btw - he's probably only not aware of the worth you have for him), but that doesn't/wouldn't mean you'd be worthless "as a peson / in general".

When you allow yourself just to fantasize: What would that hole like/prefer to be filled with? ;) (I hope you won't ignore it as a silly question; fantasies can sometimes, like some dreams, reveal/give some insights...)

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Or, who's to decide that his decision about your worth has any worth for you?

I also like LaLa's point that all he can talk about at this point is his own awareness of your worth, and there could be all sorts of reasons that he'd be unable to see what's right in front of him (it's possible to be morally blind just as easily as physically blind. Perhaps more easily, because it doesn't hurt as much as physical blindness might.)

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:)

Yes, I can definitely relate to it - it sounds natural, wise, and ... I have to say that also attainable ;).

Until you'll find the conditions which will provide these feelings, maybe we could try to find some sources of them (the feelings) also in your current situation. The most evident fact is that you belong here, among us :). I know it's not "enough", I agree that it would be better and more important to belong also to some other "communities" where you can meet friendly people in person. Is there a possibility to find at least one? How about new friends at the university? And how about some spare-time activities, volunteering, ... where you could meet some friendly people and cooperate with them on something - providing a sense of "belonging to a group"?

And... is there something that makes you feel insecure except for the unfavorable environment of your closest family? ... To be honest, it makes me think mainly of a friend from this community ("AmyeH") who lives in Israel - she recently mentioned to me the bomb attacks "and so on"... and... I realized that... despite I'm very scared about war, mainly in countries having nuclear weapons, I have to be grateful for being, so far, relatively safe. (Or also; we were far enough from the territories destroyed by the hurricane, ... And many other examples follow.)

I know you've been thinking of a different type of safety. I imagine you mean mainly a feeling of "being allowed to be yourself without fearing bad consequences". But... maybe sometimes it can help a bit to realize how relatively safe we are and how many opportunities for personal growth and free decisions we have compared to millions of other people...

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You dont know how great I feel that Im so far away from one of this countries where

have war.I never mention before but my father is born in one of them and I totally understand.I know that maybe he is scared about his family.Im trying to understand his point of view.

In university have some nice people and Im trying to talk with them.Its still hard for me to trust somebody but I feel that Im more open than before.Maybe because my OCD isnt strong this month

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Oh, yes; I don't know what to add. It's so tragic...

_______

It's great that you have nice people around you and can feel and behave differently that before!

You say it's hard for you to trust them/somebody. Is there something particular that you're afraid of? How (-by doing what) could some of them hurt you?

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I dont know exactly from what Im afraid.Its just feeling.Maybe Im afraid that they wont like me.I know sometimes OCD is problem.Im still afraid that I may hurt somebody.

I dont know if they knew about my OCD maybe they will stop talking to me.

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Maybe Im afraid that they wont like me.

I can understand this, but... as you've probably noticed, this kind of thinking leads to a vicious circle: The more you're scared they won't like you, the more awkward/nervous/odd can be your behaviour and the more you're scared they don't like you and so you also really increase the possibility that they may "dislike" you (/not feel very comfortable around you). However, even this is often not as bad as it seems; I think I was sometimes pretty awkward in my behaviour around my friends and they didn't dislike me.

The trick is just "be yourself", be kind, if possible (you surely are a kind person ;) and if you have moods when you're not behaving kindly, then it's natural and human and people know that and can tolerate it (if they are "normal"), if it's not extreme, which certainly isn't in your case ;), in my opinion). Don't have the aim to make them like you. It's up to them to decide and it's OK if someone doesn't like you - there surely will be also those who do. We don't need to be liked by everybody. (Do you like everybody??? ;) )

I dont know if they knew about my OCD maybe they will stop talking to me.

OK, this is a much more concrete concern. But what it means "know about"? As far as it doesn't manifest in their presence, they wouldn't have a reason to care at all, except for maybe feeling a sympathy. So I suppose you're scared that they might see your "symptoms" someday. Well, I don't know them and can't predict their reaction, but... in my eyes, it's not very probable among university students to be so "narrow-minded" to judge or despise or exclude somebody because of a problem, a kind of handicap, (s)he has. (Imagine that you'd have, for instance, epilepsy - having a seizure of this kind is certainly much more unpleasant for both sides and... I think most people still can be friends also with epileptics.) What I consider as important is your own attitude to the OCD. If you "present" it to them (in case when "they see the symptoms") as something you're fighting with and trying to keep it under control, needing understanding of your friends, but not being very ashamed for, ... I think they might be nice and encouraging. If you tried to hide it into a haze of secrecy and shame, they might be confused and "withdrawing".

Im still afraid that I may hurt somebody.

You still mean physically hurt a family member, here? Or in this context, it's related also to your friends or/and to a mental/emotional kind of hurting?

Take care!

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