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I have to feel guilt maybe

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Andromeda

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Is it normal to feel angry at my family?My mother said that it could be worse so I dont have to blame them.I know that.But I still cant forget some fights.Maybe I just have to feel guilty

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Can you give yourself the space to feel and express? It's okay to feel all of your feelings. How can you take care of yourself when you feel angry? I understand this is not easy. This is one of the most challenging aspects of self-care for me.

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I don't know if it can help, but I'll try some "reasoning". How would you define guilt? Feeing about having done something bad/evil? What is bad/evil about anger? Anger is just an emotional response. It is unpleasant, of course, but it doesn't make it bad (although its manifestations can be bad - if you, for instance, actually hurt somebody just because of anger). It would be like saying that if you feel pain, you're bad/guilty, because pain is unpleasant. But the pain has its reasons, so does the anger. So, now you might argue that your reasons for the anger are not adequate. But who could judge the adequacy of feelings?? They may be interpreted as signals. What does your anger signal to you? It probably points out to things that should be changed - and those may be both changeable and unchangeable. If they are unchangeable, anger seems inappropriate. But in that case, there still is no reason to judge the anger or yourself. I think it would be useful to identify all of its reasons, to formulate for yourself the main problem(s) and then try (it must take some time, I don't think it's a matter of one try!) to gradually accept them as an unpleasant, possibly painful, but unchangeable truth (about your past, about what happened, how your family behaved, ...). Maybe if you start thinking rationally about the reasons of the anger, without judging anybody, it will slowly stop your emotion. Maybe the emotions just wants force you to reconciliation (in your mind).

Have you already read the article about anger posted on the forum in the context of therapy? I really recommend it, although its not about your situation; there are some good points about the anger itself. I'll paste the link here later.

Take care!

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Here it is:

http://kathymcmahon.blogspot.ca/2009/04/sometimes-you-say-things-that-really.html

You know, from one point of view, your parents may be called guilty - for instance for not being able to respond properly to your anger. But what's more important; blaming doesn't bring anything good. It's only an intermediate stage of our processing of hurtful experiences. Blaming somebody can bring a momentary relief, but hurts us in the long term perspective, it doesn't allow "letting it go", becoming free from what happened. If we try, we can, after some time, overcome anger and blaming. I believe you can do it, too. Therapy would make it much faster and a bit easier, but I believe you could do it yourself, too :). Just don't be hard on yourself. It takes time.

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I see... Sorry for the misunderstanding :(.

Well, it reminds me of my ex-T - he would certainly say something like "all you can do is to sustain it, it's between them, their are adults and you cannot be a parent to them" - I used to hate this kind of his statements... :o But I had to admit that there's something worth considering in them... :(

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However, that doesn't make you guilty either!

It's natural that you want your parents to get along with each other well! It would be strange if you were able to be indifferent... I'd say you just need to learn to better adjust your emotional response so that you won't feel such pain. (I know; it's easy to say... :( )

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That sounds difficult, Andromeda. :( I think it's good that you tried to express yourself. I'm sorry your mom was not supportive. Your feelings matter.

I don't do well with yelling either. It helps me to remind myself that the yelling is not about me and that the other person has their own struggles. Can you get some space from it?

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"It" could always be worse; that's no reason not to say that it's bad now ...

I'm sorry that your mother wasn't able to consider your feelings when you spoke to her. Possibly, she feels bad and doesn't know any better way to avoid feeling bad than to tell you not to talk to her about it. But as LaLa says, that's not a reason for you to feel guilty instead of her.

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