Not really sure what Ive been doing this past few weeks - though Im sure Ive had fun and quite possibly been up to no damn good again! So much for the new year new start! - Ooops!
Didnt get the job I applied for - reckon its coz of me track record of recent years, not that bothered really. Well actually thats quite possibly a lie as I set my heart on it - pretty stupid of me really.
And since then, well Ive messed up a fair bit - big time. I now find myself engaged to be married to someone Im not even sure if i like and certainly dont love. He just asked, and like a idiot I said yes, coz it was easier than saying hell no, not in this lifetime ya friggin' weirdo.
To be fair its not him thats weird but possibly ME!
I mean what nearly forty year old does anyone know, that runs round like a teenager looking for nothing but the next laugh, and bit of excitement, knowing the consequences but not giving a stuff about them anyway????
My therapist probably thinks Im as mad as they come, and is almost certainly correct on that score. Especially when all I can do is smile and grin like a stupid cc, when I recollect the crap Ive been up to of late.Even though I know its wrong. It just dont stop me!!!!
Even now as I sit here typing, trying to - I dont know give myself some sort of reality check, a huge part of me is thinking about just going out tonight and bullshitting my way to yet another hangover in the morning and no doubt embarrasing myself beyond caring.
I actually wonder if I even care anymore what happens, a part of me must surely care a little or why would I bother even typing in here, or continue with councelling. But whats the point if I cant even try hard enough to keep myself outta bother, gotta ask what good could it possibly do?
I thought that this year would be different for me, and in a way I suppose it kinda is, Im just finding new ways to mess up whats left of my life - Yay me!
I sound pathetic.