Saw my therapist who thinks I can discontinue therapy because I've been doing so well. Which immediately has me going to that place of, well... must not have been that much a problem in the first place right? I don't need to take my meds anymore right? Wrong and wrong. I skipped meds for 3 days and stuff went sideways. Not pretty. Problem is that when I take my meds I feel "normal" (meaning I don't have a persistent sense that something is terribly wrong), and I can't remember the person I am when I don't take my meds. Then I forget to take my meds and I turn into the evil twin.
It's the same dynamic as with my drinking. I get enough sober time and I can't remember what a hangover is, so why the heck not? I can't seem to learn what is good for me and what is bad for me. I'm gradually figuring it out, but it's taken years and years of going round in circles to see this.
The important thing is I have a way to feel stable and sane. I can't say I'm not crazy, because sane people don't need to take meds. All I can say is I have a problem that I can solve if I choose to. It might not be easy, because in addition to the meds I also have to practice my CBT tools to figure out what to do to solve problems instead of become overwhelmed. It's possible though. Compared to where I was, feeling actively suicidal and chronically frustrated, to feeling like I've sort of got a handle on things, that is a long way to come. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts, because I know what it's like to be in that other place.