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Officially in Remission

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Ralph

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Saw my therapist who thinks I can discontinue therapy because I've been doing so well. Which immediately has me going to that place of, well... must not have been that much a problem in the first place right? I don't need to take my meds anymore right? Wrong and wrong. I skipped meds for 3 days and stuff went sideways. Not pretty. Problem is that when I take my meds I feel "normal" (meaning I don't have a persistent sense that something is terribly wrong), and I can't remember the person I am when I don't take my meds. Then I forget to take my meds and I turn into the evil twin.

It's the same dynamic as with my drinking. I get enough sober time and I can't remember what a hangover is, so why the heck not? I can't seem to learn what is good for me and what is bad for me. I'm gradually figuring it out, but it's taken years and years of going round in circles to see this.

The important thing is I have a way to feel stable and sane. I can't say I'm not crazy, because sane people don't need to take meds. All I can say is I have a problem that I can solve if I choose to. It might not be easy, because in addition to the meds I also have to practice my CBT tools to figure out what to do to solve problems instead of become overwhelmed. It's possible though. Compared to where I was, feeling actively suicidal and chronically frustrated, to feeling like I've sort of got a handle on things, that is a long way to come. I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts, because I know what it's like to be in that other place.

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I'm pleased by your news, too! :) Enjoy the remission!

(One remark: I wouldn't call you crazy. No matter if you need some meds or not. Calling yourself crazy sounds like self-stigmatization and that's usually rather bad, counterproductive.)

Good luck! :)

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"I can't say I'm not crazy, because sane people don't need to take meds."

I'd say the crazy people are the ones who know they need meds and don't take them. If it walks and talks "sane", then it's sane, in my opinion, whether it took meds to get there or not. Otherwise "sane" is a value judgment instead of a capability assessment, and meds would become meaningless because those who took them would still be "bad" even though they could function every bit as well as a natively "sane" person.

More and more when I see good and bad used for some abstract value instead of "what works", I see it as a verbal trick created by people who get to define "good" as what they do, and bad as what everyone else does.

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Well, I will have to think about that. I didn't mean crazy as a value judgment as in crazy = good and sane = bad. Or maybe the other way around. I'm always dotting my Ts and crossing my eyes. Or I's, as the case may be. It's unfortunate that English doesn't have different words for bad as in, not doing well, vs bad as in, evil. This causes us to screw up our value judgments somethin fierce IMHO. What I meant was, I better keep in mind I still have to take my meds or bad (as in evil) things happen. I am not what happens to me. I hope I am not my behavior.

In full disclosure, I have repeated the not taking meds experiment once more since the writing of the above. Same results. This is repeatable, so what does Einstein say about insanity - it's repeating the same behavior expecting different results. Therefore, as long as I don't expect different results, I am sane. Maybe it is wisdom that keeps us from repeating experiments that have bad (in either sense) results.

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