I'm still taking a break from alcohol. This is my tenth week without it. I've not been entirely sober during that time, but I'm working on cutting down the other substances too. The more distance I get from alcohol, the more I start to feel like the real "me." My old interests are starting to come back. Just a little, but noticeable.
My innate cheerfulness is also starting to come back, which is something I want to cultivate. I used to be super happy when I was a kid. Back then my happiness didn't depend on how others treated me or my material achievements. I had unconditional happiness; I was pretty much okay with whatever came, and I didn't worry about how to survive tomorrow or ten years down the road.
What changed had nothing to do with how others treated me, although it does provide a convenient excuse. What really happened is I lost any sense that I belonged in the world, and instead saw myself as a worthless extra piece the world had no use for. This creates an enormous amount of anxiety: feeling that you don't belong, and that there is nowhere that you do belong. In this light it's easy to see my thoughts turning to suicide as a solution, in fact the only solution. Yet I'm fighting this because somewhere in the back of my mind is this intuition that life is precious, not to be wasted.
If I want this to change I am going to have to figure out how and where I belong. This is daunting. What do you do when you are overwhelmed with life, the universe, and everything?