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Blog Ralph

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So I was cruising along and whomp! life hit me. Normal ups and downs? Maybe. But I'm really struggling right now. I don't feel right, it feels like my thoughts are bizarre, or reality is bizarre and I'm normal; I don't know which. I just know there seems to be a me "out there" that doesn't much resemble the me "in here." Does that make any sense?

No sliding towards suicidal ideation as would be my normal pattern. I believe I have the meds to thank for that, but I see my own train of thoughts and I think, "that is not me. That is someone else." Yet who else could it be. I've fallen down a rabbit hole. Hope I haven't already lost my head.

--Update 5/3/2015 - problem solved with mindfulness. Specifically catching the thought that was causing the worry and checking it against reality. Details in comment.

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Sorry you are going through this Ralph. It sounds unpleasant to say the least.

Believe me when I tell you, I have days where the only comforting thought I can find is "someday I will be dead and all this will be over".

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I relate to patches where I "lose the thread." I hear you that you don't relate to your thoughts right now. I'm trying to learn good parenting or good care taking in those times. Change is inevitable, even for this state.

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I read somewhere that our demons are repressed angels. I need to start accepting the good and bad sides of my personality so that the good can come out of the shadows.

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"Repressed angels": I like that. Aren't a lot of people repressed angels, in a way; not allowed to be fully themselves, whether from internal or external forces (and what exactly the difference would be, I'm not sure.)

What if it's literally "all good", as they say, and our concept of goodness, and even perfect goodness, were the diabolical lie, the whip we hand to ourselves to take the punishment of hell into our own hands ...

Okay, sorry: a little too poetic. But seriously meant.

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Having a great weekend, finding. :)

Practicing self acceptance is really helping. I'm not great at it yet, but there are certain traits I have that I may not like, but they are mine. Struggling against them has threatened to drive me crazy. Letting me be me, with my imperfections, has made a huge difference.

I realized my worry was around psychiatrist wanting to up my meds on an antipsychotic. I thought, "gee I must seem schizophrenic if he wants to go to that high a dose." So I created a self fulfilling prophecy: I'm losing touch with reality. Catching that thought in its tracks and disputing it helped me calm down a little. I'm not perfect, but I'm better, and I'm making progress.

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