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I'm so sorry, A. :(...

As far as I know, this often happens during holidays - when the pressure to learn and to do many duties goes down. (It reminds me of Luna (she hasn't been active on this forum for quite a long time already), who also heard this from her doctor: that the onset of a depressive period of her bipolar disorder was probably triggered by the end of her semester at the university.)

I think spending more time with your aunt could be beneficial for both of you. Did she ever tell you you're a burden to her or something similar? Did you ever asked her how she feels about the conversations with you? Perhaps she likes them but is too depressed to be able to show it. And perhaps you two don't need "more conversations", but some more time spent in a (at least a bit) pleasant way, not alone (-being together and doing some simple things, having some walks, ... could be fine (?)). I know; this doesn't make the difficulties of the nights disappear :(, but it might help anyway.

Do you suffer from insomnia? I know that medication may seem scary, but perhaps you could consult this with your doctor and at least you'd sleep better (not taking the med for too long, but at least for this hard period of time!). (You very probably don't need to see a psychiatrist to get a good sleeping med.)

Is there something more you'd like to share? I'm here to listen...

I'd miss you much; I hope you'll stay safe and in contact with us...

Hugs,

L.

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Thank you IJ :)

I have walks with my aunt and they are nice,but I need to tell somebody how low I feel often,but i know I cant.There is nobody with who I can talk.After my father lost his job,everybody in home fight more and my little brother dont talk with me or when he talk he is rude to me.I know its maybe because he is teenager,but its still hurts sometimes.I know I have to find a job,but Im so tired and my father said he is disappointed of me,he is sure Im just lazy.I have to pass some exams that I didnt pass last year,but I have to pay for them :(My family have to pay.Im just burden. Im not even sure Im good at science enough.

No,I dont have problems with sleeping,but night its only time when I can concentrate to write my course work.

I just feel hollow and like waste of space

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I'm sorry you feel you have no one to talk to. :( Maybe your aunt would welcome you sharing more with her?

Are you able to do anything with your brother that you both enjoy?

I know when I was in school, I always needed quiet to be able to complete my coursework. I can relate to that.

I'm sorry you feel hollow. :( Sounds very painful. Sending care to you.

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No I dont think is good idea to talk to her,because I cant ecspress well how I feel and like I said I dont want to depressed her and I just cant talk with my brother,because he is so rude when I try to talk with him and he dont want to for walks with me like when we was kids

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Are you in contact with any of your friends? I know it's scary to talk about such difficult issues with a friend, but you know from your past experiences that it's possible - at least it was possible to tell them about your OCD and some of the problems in your family, but if you tried to talk about depression, you may see it's possible, too. Perhaps writing would be better than talking, at least in the beginning. You could write to a friend about how you feel and why and then, after her reaction, ask her if she would meet with you and talk about it as you'd need it.

I'm not surprised that your brother behaves "badly" - it's so typical for many teens with issues. I suppose he's traumatized by the situation in your family (and perhaps some other things too, who knows?) to a similar extend as you are :(. He "refuses" you in his "general rage" - when people (especially teenagers) struggle, they may be insensitive and rude to their relatives, even if those are trying to help them. I hope he's not hurting you (I mean psychically - I suppose it's obvious that he doesn't hurt you physically - in that case I hope you would mention it)... It must be difficult to live with him, but I hope that some (at least general, as I described it here) understanding of the basis of his behaviour makes it easier for you to cope with the situation...

Hugs,

L.

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Im not in contact with my friends.They dont live in my city so its better not to involve them.They know about my depression and they have experience with depression too,but I cant ruin their mood when they are on holidays.And I dont want to look like weak person again.There was times that I cried on their shoulders.But I know sometimes Im too much and people have their own problems

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I can't speak for your friends, Andromeda, but if it were my friend who was depressed, I would always want to know. I would want to be there for a friend, no matter what might be happening in my life. Sometimes when we receive, we actually give as well. I hope you find someone to talk to. Would it be possible to see a counselor?

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Thank you for being so kind with me.Im not really sure I deserved it,but its nice :)

Well Im feeling a little better today,but its always hard to live at home.My father is becoming more and more agressive and he is screaming that me and my mother are totaly worthless (it looks a little like phyhological abuse) and sometimes physical against my mother.I just dont see a way out of all this mess.Im not sure if my father could pay rent for apartament for next month,because we dont have money

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it looks a little like phyhological abuse

It looks a lot like abuse to me; I'm even sure it can be called that way :(.

But anyway; it's very, very sad that your father cannot cope with his problems without being cruel to his family. I'm sorry I don't know how to help you (I would suggest to contact a social worker, but... I'm afraid it might be problematic where you live - it's quite problematic even in our country, that's why I suppose it)... It seems I can only remind you of not taking his "opinions" seriously. What he says to you is only a consequence of his own troubles, it doesn't have anything with you. I'm afraid that your feeling of "being a burden" is a lot influenced (although perhaps only unconsciously) by what he says. It seems to me that the most important thing in this context is to remind yourself every time that he's not right, that he's just frustrated by his problems, his life, ... and can't cope "in a healthy way". I hope this can also help you to avoid too angry and/or "aggressive" reactions towards him (which would probably only make it worse) - reactions that would be very natural (who wouldn't be angry at him?...) but which, I think, should probably be hidden from him. Do you have a way to vent your anger? Like... doing a physical exercise, for instance? Or being alone and dancing to a music you like?

How is your relationship with your mother now? Can this situation help you to become closer to her, at least? As now it seems that... perhaps she sees it like "being on one side with you against your father" - ? I don't say that such "taking sides" is good in general, I'm just thinking if there might be at least some advantage taken from this bad situation. Perhaps now your mom is so scared that she would be more open to discuss with you about this all, to search for solutions (?)...

I wish you a peaceful weekend...

funny-gif-ghost-hug.gif

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What about trying to hug a tree? :o

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That sounds very difficult and stressful. :( I agree that your father's behavior is about him and not you. Are you able to put a boundary up when he yells? I can understand that isn't always easy. Can you step outside during the day, just to get some space from the environment you're living in? Maybe at least it could offer you a moment to breathe and feel some peace.

Sending my care.

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My mother is under a lot of stress and Its hard to talk with her.She started thinking that somebody makes her magic or something and thats why things are so bad.I guess this is just her way to cope.Im trying to keep myself busy and start to study for my exams I didnt pass last year.I have to pass them now.But its hard to study anatomy,maths and genetics now.I cant focus and Im nervous.I know it is my fault that I didnt pass them,and now I just want to sleep and rest.My teeth hurts a lot,but I cant go to dentist.This makes me nervous too

I just dont want to start to self harm again or become more depressed.I dont feel so angry now,but maybe its because I supress it.I know this is not healthy way to deal with it,but maybe its for the better

I dont know why I write all of this.I feel little guilty for sharing something so pathetic

Thank you for hugs Lala :)

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Sounds like a very stressful situation, Andromeda.. Your father probably feels worthless himself and takes out his frustration with his life out on you and your mom.

Think about all the future job possibilities that will come your way once you pass your exams. Think of it is a temporary phase in your life that will end eventually. Things do, change for the best, just not as fast as we want them to....

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