Quote

who will want to stand by me in moments like that

I would...  I don't perceive your aggressive thoughts as abhorrent or repulsive, I see "their background" and I "see" your behaviour and your opinions (= you don't harm people, you don't consider it a "good idea"). Why would I reject you because of such a problem?

Perhaps... it would help a bit to write down (here, if yo udon't mind) your definition of a monster. 

I used to say a lot "I'm stupid". My therapist made the mistake that he only contradicted me. It leads nowhere to just contradict, argue. The most important thing it to clarify - for yourself and for the other(s) - what precisely you mean when you call yourself by a word that seem inappropriate to others.

Good luck!!!

I feel so low these days. I dont know if its my fault that I feel like that or is only chemical imbalance.

I will think about what monster means for me and I will write later.

"Your fault" or "chemical imbalance"?  What about circumstances, learned/acquired attitudes, ...?

Well; I suppose there probably (?) are some things you might do to feel better (and I don't mean self-harm here at all!), but you don't because you don't feel like doing them - that's the vicious circle of depression and some other mental problems. Moreover, buddhists (and others) say it's only you who decides what affects you; you may choose to be indifferent or to only observe your feelings and not to let them "bother" you. I've always had big problems with this claim; it's theoretically very nice but doesn't work in practice for many of us  . Should we blame ourselves?

Sorry I don't have much to say and I can't find some appropriate optimistic thoughts.  That doesn't mean they don't exist and don't apply, though!  

At least: Hugs!!!  

Monster for me Lala is somebody who dont care enough for others, even if pretends to. But inside there is something not good. This is person who is sometimes so angry and whats to be like others, but cant, because sometimes hates eveything even himself. But he cant change who he is even if people try to love him.

Well I dont know if I explained it fine,but.............

Today I went to study in park, but I cant focus. But I wasnt at home all day so this is something, right?

I'm sorry for not being in touch for so long  ...

Yes, it's always good to hear you've been in a park  ! I hope you've been taking good care about yourself in the meantime, too...

How was learning going? And when do you have to do exam(s)?

Thank you for your description / explanation! It's indeed better to have it in more words that just a single one.

I'm going to try to give you my "feedback":

On September 5, 2016 at 6:35 PM, Andromeda said:

somebody who dont care enough for others, even if pretends to. 

What is "enough"? I think sometimes when one has too much problems him-/her-self  and/or with him-/her-self, it would be too difficult to find as much time and energy and motivation to care for others... Couldn't this be your case, too? I think what is important is mainly that you would like to care more, that caring is an important value for you - so when you'll find opportunities, you'll be willing to take advantage of them and be caring as much as seems "enough" also to you...

On September 5, 2016 at 6:35 PM, Andromeda said:

 inside there is something not good. 

Do you have something in particular in mind, in your case? Is there something concrete that's worrying you? (You don't have to name it here, of course. I'm just asking in general.) Is it, according to you, something you've been born with? Is it something you can get rid of?

"Books say" (  ) that each of us, humans, has "a dark side"; it's not "only good" inside of anybody. (Does it make monsters of us all?)

On September 5, 2016 at 6:35 PM, Andromeda said:

This is person who is sometimes so angry and whats to be like others, but cant, because sometimes hates eveything even himself.

Why do you think anger is bad? It's unpleasant and it can sometimes lead to aggressive behaviour, yes. But it's an emotion as any other; it has its role, it's triggers, ... it can't be judged itself as bad. I presume you haven't physically hurt anybody in your anger (despite the "hate" it's accompanied by). That's what matters, not your imagination, your fantasies that may sometimes try to help you (in an unpleasant way, I know) to "cope with" the anger.

On September 5, 2016 at 6:35 PM, Andromeda said:

 he cant change who he is even if people try to love him.

I've also often thought I can't change myself, so I understand  . And recently, I haven't been successful in trying... But I also know i changed significantly in the past, in several ways. And I know many people did. We can't know with certainty what can be changed and what not, but I think we're too often too pessimistic. I understand why (I'm often like that, too). Yet, objectively, it's better not to be sure you can't change; it's better to keep at least some hope. You know what's probably the best argument? We don't know ourselves good enough to be able to imagine how we'll behave, feel, change, ... in situations that we haven't yet experienced. 

I have to go now.

Take care!

Hugs,

L.

I was with my aunt again for one week and I passed one of my exams even if I was so depressed some days before it.

I feel like I dont move and my life is just same days without plans about future.

I want to feel like Im not monster and I understand that you have point Lala, but its so hard to accept what you said on emotional level. When OCD started when I was 12 I started feeling like that. Im scared of anger, Im trying to accept it just as emotion,but in myy family my father and mother are often angry and I dont like how they treat people when they feel it.I dont want to become like them.

Congratulations to passing your exam!  And I'm also very glad to hear you was with your aunt again for a week! That's great; I hope you both feel better when you're together.

Yes, sometimes our lives are stagnating... It causes us distress because we've learned and internalized that we "have to progress" and the distress is / should be a motivational force that drives us to "make our lives better". But sometimes we're in a limbo due to circumstances we cannot change and... then it's better not to be too stressed out about it, I think.

I understand very well what you mean about not accepting some thinks on an emotional level...  It seems that most of the time (if not always), emotions can be changed only by strong experiences, not just words. But... let's try to keep to use the words anyway ... I hope that later, strong positive experiences will come / happen to you, too...

Yes, it's scary to see your parents act terribly and to worry you'll become the same  . We all have a tendency to imitate even those behaviours that we hate - it's so illogical and annoying! But you are very different from your parents. You're much more aware of many aspects of anger and of "bad / aggressive" behaviour and its consequences, ... You know you don't want to be like them and you're not. I imagine you miss a positive example how to cope with anger in an appropriate manner. So the only natural thing to you is to restrain yourself as much as you can from doing what they do - and you've reached the opposite extreme. You can't punish them for the inappropriate expressions of their anger, so you're punishing yourself for every sign of anger you can find. And so the anger grows, as it feels unaccepted, its reasons are banalized, but it wants to show you it's right and it has a right to exist. It's a constant struggle. You're feeding the anger by your refusal to accept it. That's at least how I see it. And it reminds me something I once read: There's a strategy to cope with long-lasting sorrow or anger: Choose one hour every day and dedicate the hour to this one emotion. Find a place where you can be alone and where you can cry and shout (it's not easy to find, I know  ... but... perhaps you could cry and shout just very silently, so such place could be easier to find) and then set an alarm-clock for an hour (or 30 min for the beginning) and then just really dedicate that time to that emotion and express it freely (unseen and unheard). I haven't done it, but "they say" it works very well, mainly after some time. (You may even find that it's hard to be angry for an hour!  And that would teach you that the anger will just always fade away, you can let it be for some time, then it will exhaust itself and fade.) 

Take care!

I couldnt see my friends these days, because I didnt have money for transport. Because I dont live in center of the city and they do. I have to start to study for other exams, they will be November so I have time. I only hope I will have money for them. Im just afraid that I look like person who dont take seriously studying because people dont know my problems and they say that I dont do anything expect learning and still didnt pass my exams. They dont know my struggles, but Im starting to belive that they are right. My condition looks so much like excuse and not like real problem.

Well, people do have problems to be understood when they have "invisible illnesses"  ... It certainly is very unpleasant to be suspected of being just lazy or stupid  , but... you do know what are the real issues that prevent you from having all the results you'd like to have and that you would be able to have if living in a pleasant, supportive environment! How sad that you're giving the opinions / prejudices of others such a power; that you're taking them almost seriously... Look at this blog, for instance: It's such a good proof of your struggles. You're certainly not complaining too much here and exaggerating your problems - you don't even come here every time when you feel very low. And even so, it's obvious that you're not "making up excuses" for not studying "enough", for not having done all your exams "on time".

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself...

Good luck with taking advantage of the time you have for preparing for the exams!

I hope your friends will sometimes come to see you in the part of the city where you live!

Take care!

It would be difficult for others to fully understand your experiences and your struggles, Andromeda. I do think we can share and listen to one another to gain a better understanding and awareness of what things may be like for others. You know yourself, though, and you know your struggles and how you are affected by this. I hope you won't question or judge yourself based on other's potential reactions.

Sending care to you.

This is a lot how I feel

Perhaps yo could share the link also on the forum (somewhere in Recommended); it would surely be interesting for others, too. 

3 hours ago, sedsed said:

How are you doing today Andromeda?

I just came here to ask the same  !

Thank you for asking.

On Friday I wasnt fine. I felt anxiety and I felt sick like I was going to vomit. There wasnt reason or something, but with so much problems I guess its not so strange to happen.

Yesterday and today I was in park again. It was sunny and not so cold so I didnt stay at home. I was little scared that anxiety may become strong again so I went for walk. I started to talk with one woman with dog in the park . She didnt have where to sit so she sat near me and we started talking about her dog. So I had company.

Today my friends came to visit me and It was nice to see them.

I was little disappointed when I looked for jobs for molecular biologist. Of coure now I cant work something like that. Now I started to search for something more simple. But I think even if I have my degree I dont think its possible to work something like that. They want to candidate to be perfect in so many things, because there is not so many places where someone whats molecular biologist, but if they want somebody they want the best. I guess I made mistake to study this and all my hard work looks like for nothing.

It sounds like you had a nice day at the park, Adromeda, and also had a good time visiting with friends.

Reading about job requirements can feel intimidating, but that doesn’t have to mean you aren't capable of being a great molecular biologist. I hope you won't give up on your dreams.

Yesterday from one place called me for job. Im so scared, because if I get the job I have to talk a lot with people and even thinking this makes me terrified. I feel I cant breathe and Im going to vomit. I have to go tomorrow to see if I get the job. I dont think I will get it, because I cant talk fine with others. The other problem is that this job is not on good place. I will be home at 10 at night and Im little scared to go alone from work to home. I dont know what to do. I need job and I dont want to look like persoh who makes excuses, but I dont know what to do.

When you are young like you are you can take the job for the experience of it and just move on to something else when you are ready.  It might be good to deal w people in a business setting.  A good skill to have.  But we support you no matter what your choice Andromeda.  

The biggest problem is place where the work is. To go home after work I have to pass some not nice streets without so much lamps and I know this part of city is not really save. So going alone at night is a little scary.

Hi Andromeda. I know what you mean about personal safety, I used to finish sometimes at 10pm in one job and safety was a big issue. Luckily I found a safe route home and would wear flat shoes so they didn't echo around quiet streets. I would be honest with the employer if you get offered the job about your concerns. Maybe someone else who works at the same place will be leaving at the same time so you could travel together?

I think you could also look at this situation from a positive perspective: You don't really want the job because of safety concerns, so you don't need to be nervous about making a good impression and getting the job. And that's a very good opportunity for making an interview with an employer without being too nervous and scared. It's always better to do something for the 1st time only as "a trial" - it helps a lot when you may "see how it goes" (how such an interview "looks like" etc.) in a situation when you don't "need to succeed"! (I know it from my own experiences, mainly with tests at school: When we had a test that wasn't "marked / graded", I wasn't nervous and I saw that I was able to do much better when not nervous and after that my nervousness during other tests was actually (usually) lower - I'd gained some helpful confidence!)

I know you probably think this is a unique opportunity, so you should try to get the job "no matter what", just for the money. But that's not sure and even probable: I really hope and believe there will be some better opportunities in future. But that certainly doesn't mena that you shouldn't try this!! Just go there and be calm and see how it feels when you don't care about the result! Really just try not to care! I bet you'll make a better impression when not caring, because you will be relaxed and you'll  act naturally - a bit "like an actor", pretending that you do want to job + you ask them (if there is this possibility) about the safety concernes, as Jazz suggested. In case they don't give it to you, you won't be disappointed. And in case they give it to you, then you'll be, I presume, pleasantly surprised by the fact that they selected you and then you can get much more info about the possibility to go home safely (with a colleague, ...) - and in case you won't find a way to do it, you may refuse the job an wait for a better offer. You're not obliged to accept their offer and you don't even have to tell your parents it was you who rejected it (you may say the employer did).

What do you think?

In any case: Good luck!! 

One more thing: I understand that you're scared by the idea of talking with people. But I can tell you from my experience that it can get much better: Mainly; in practice, it's usually much better than you imagine - people are usually nice (or at least "neutral") and you have better skills than you presume. Just remember how scared you were before going to university - you hoped to find new friends, but at the same time you doubted that you had the "ability" to make good friends and to communicate with them in a way that they would like you. Those were just your prejudices, based on the bullying etc. that had made you feel you're incapable and that didn't offer you the opportunity to build healthy relationships with peers. I believe this is similar. You may be a bit awkward in the beginning, but that's normal and that shouldn't discourage you; you have the potential to improve, even all your life!!  

Moreover; remember how you recently had a little talk with the woman in the park! Isn't that a pleasant exemple of being able to communicate with people unexpectedly?  You weren't nervous (I suppose), because you didn't impose "criteria" onto yourself - how you "should" behave / talk. ... and it went well. I know it was easier than many other situations, but I don't think you should ignore this experience.

I didnt get the job even if I found safe way to go home. But I talked fine with people and It wasnt so scared. I dont know maybe they didnt like how I look, maybe they wanted someone more beautiful. I dont know. It doesnt matter now.

Glad you had a smooth time talking to people Andromeda.  Trust me if looks were a requirement for getting hired by a corporation I would never have been hired anywhere.  You'll find something.  

It's great that you were able to talk freely and didn't feel frightened. It can take some time and several (or many) interviews to find employment. Now you know how well you can do. I hope you can believe in yourself. I hope you find something soon.

Regarding looks, I hope neither of you will judge yourself harshly. 

Take care, Andromeda.

I cant take anymore. One of my is teeth is bad again and hurts so much. I know I have to go to dentist,but I cant afford it right now. If I go I cant pay my exams. I feel so alone with my problems. Im so tired everything to hurt. My bones and teeth are so weak. I cant understand why maybe its genetic. Im such a burden.