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Define "failure"

malign

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So, here I am back on the site, after my second semester.

One of the things that brings me back is the perception of having lost something.

I have checked in, on occasion;  sometimes run updates or whatever;  read some posts that I thought might be interesting.  So why has it been so hard to post anything?

Part of it is a kind of fatigue.  The program I'm in is very "stretching";  it makes you ask yourself over and over whether you're sure of things you've believed most of your life.  And being twice as old as most of my peers, that's a longer time for me than for them.  So I'll just come out and say it:  people believe some crazy shit, and the one I'm most familiar with is me.

What has always been the difficulty is the shit-replacement phase of the operation.  Many of us are aware of our ... delusions;  some of us are aware that we have some power over them;  remarkably few of us know what to do after that.  I know, for me, some of my crazy shit includes my most cherished illusions.  It's not easy giving them up, especially because that involves forgiving myself for all the trouble that the shit has caused me over the years.

Anyway, before I ramble too far:  it makes it hard to hold a mirror for others when you're afraid you might catch a glimpse of yourself in it.

And all of that is very deep, and metaphoric, and other stuff I'm fond of using to cover up my own weaknesses, so now that that's out of the way:  this semester didn't go that well.

The classes were more substantial and information-filled, which, if the information were all fairly factual, like a science or math class, would have been great for me.  Unfortunately, the psychology field is fairly devoid of anything indisputable.  It's all opinion, fundamentally, and the opinions tend to vary almost as radically as political opinions do.  That's fine:  I have opinions, and usually know what they are and why I have them.  But the classes this semester had more papers I had to write, and the papers had more opinions I needed to defend, and, for me at least, a stronger feeling that I was being evaluated by the professors for having the "right" opinions.  Each paper became harder to write than the one before it, and by the end of the semester, I had developed enough of a writer's block to have not turned in three separate papers in two different classes.  Suffice it to say, you can't pass classes with zeros on major papers.  So, for the three classes I took this semester, I got an A, an X (the equivalent of an F that doesn't prevent you from taking the class again), and an Incomplete.

Obviously, this can't continue.  So now I'm trying to find a psychiatrist (in addition to my regular therapist) to see if they can take the edge off the anxiety I feel.  And, at the moment, I'm putting off calling them back by writing all this.

So, is it a failure if you're still learning?
{And I know everyone's going to rush to answer that, but it's really me that I'm asking it of.}



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Not that it's a particularly noble way to approach it, but I felt like University was a game.    Give them the answers/opinions they want to hear.  Sadly, it doesnt really expand your mind and beliefs or give you whatever it is you may be most interested in attaining with your higher learning.... it's much more of a means to an end.  

Hope the next semester is better for you.  Take care..

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Yah, I echo Beth with the "nice to see you", Jai.  Curious how you've been, if you feel like saying.

And I'm sorry you found your studies so ... empty.  The coursework I'm in ... there's a bit of concern that there's steering going on, "what they want to hear" stuff.  But there's also a ton(ne) of self-examination, both because they ask it of you and because you know for sure that the job will require that you have done it.  Now, or later;  it's your own choice.  But the first client who (say) commits suicide while you're working with them, if you're not ready for how you're going to deal with that, it might be too late.

What's been hard has been figuring out which part I think is hoop-jumping and which part contains questions I had better consider before they arise.  And then acting accordingly.

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