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I dont know what to do?

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Andromeda

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I feel suicidal a lot these days. Something little can make me start thinking about hurting myself and that there is no point. My friend is worried about me and I dont want to bother her. Last two months were stressful, but I had more stressful days in the past, but now I feel suicidal and I dont know why.

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(((A.))) :( I'm sorry...

And I'm also sorry for not being here for you for such a long time :( . I've felt bad for not responding and not asking, I was too "self-obsessed" once again :(  :redface:

Is the stress related mainly to your new situation? Adapting to new environment, new activities and responsibilities is difficult for most people, let alone someone with mental issues. You may now experience a transition period, so it should get better - you can become more self-confident and better coping with the factors that cause stress now.

What else / precisely is stressful?

And would you try to explain (to yourself, to understand - but it often goes better when writing to someone, so why not here on your blog or in a private message?) what kind of thoughts is making you feel suicidal?

How would you feel if your friend had problems and didn't tell you only due to her fear to "bother" and worry you? You're not different - you, too, deserve being heard, understood, ... You may talk about yourself in a way that is open enough, but not "too overwhelming" at the same time, as well as reassure her that you're also there for her when she needs someone to talk when feeling miserable. Sometimes even just having a relatively nice time with a friend is helpful - you don't need to talk about serious subjects "all the time". So calling and (/or) meeting a friend is always a good option. You're lucky now you have someone to call and even, sometimes, meet with. When you don't take advantage of it, you're practically "voluntarily returning to your worse past" when there were no good ("in person") friends :( . ... (Does it help a bit to know that I would be much calmer and less worried knowing that you reach to a friend when you feel suicidal and / or too stressed or anxious? ;) :redface:

I'd like to, at least, hug you in person. Would you try to hug yourself for me? (It sounds absurd, but... just try! ;) Even forcing yourself to be kind to yourself is better than nothing, when one cannot do it naturally.) 

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you! Take care!

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I was thinking about how to try to be helpful and it occurred to me that I might share one (new) "strategy" I spontaneously "invented" and use sometimes: I tell myself about any "action" (it can be as simple as walking or brushing my teeth) I'm doing: "I'm doing this instead of killing myself. It's meaningless as everything else, but it's stil better than to kill myself." It probably sounds quite bad, but it depends on the attitude you assume when saying it. For me, it's an acceptance, it's like "one step at a time", not thinking about the next "actions", only doing what has to be done in the moment and "dealing with" the thoughts about suicide only in this manner - accepting that anything I'm doing at the moment is still more or less better than killing myself. I'm afraid it doesn't work in every situation :( . And it's possible that it wouldn't be helpful for you; I cannot know :( . But if you don't consider it 'preposterous', you might try it. There's also a version for a moment when you "don't do anything": Choose a simple (rather pleasant or useful) activity and tell yourself: "Instead of killing myself, I'm going to do this, it's still a little better than go and kill myself now."

Hugs,

L.

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:'( I hear you, Andromeda. I have a daughter who struggles too. Anxiety and depression can wear a person down. I'm sorry you have been feeling this way. :(

Maybe it helps to take one moment at a time? Do you enjoy any activities? Recently we have been ice skating as a family and those moments seem to be helpful to my daughter. When we skate, she is able to connect with some positive feelings. I think the exercise and focus on learning a new task can be helpful too. Maybe it also provides some space to heal.

I am thinking of you, A. 

Burst of Spring Sunshine tangledwing.png

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Thank you IJ. Im trying to stay active and go out with my friends most often and this helps, but when I go home I feel bad again.

I guess that my new situation helped for me feeling like this, Lala. I just still feel nervous when I have to go to work. I make mistakes at work sometimes. I know its normal not to be great and not to know everything at work first weeks till you adapt, but everytime I make mistake I feel like its proof that Im worhless and feel anxiety and depression. I dont show that I feel like this, but inside Im mess. Even small things can make me feel like this.

I still havent graduated from university and I have this feeling that Imunimportant.

My friend knows that Im there for her and Im talking with her a lot about problems and she tells me hers, but I still feel like a burden. I didnt tell her that I feel suicidal, but Im sure she suspects it. She told me to call her when I feel bad and sometimes I do, but still I dont to bother everytime and she sometimes is angry when she finds out that I felt bad and didnt tell her. I dont want to be burden. 

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1 hour ago, Andromeda said:

I feel like Im so uninteresting person. I feel like soon or later my friends will leave me, because I act like idiot sometimes.:sfun_banghead:

Hi, Andromeda. I am a university student too. This is my first time to read this post and I feel quite sorry for your suffering.

Sometimes we do feel we are unwanted, unneeded and unworthy while it might not be true.

Your friends wouldn't leave you for your dumb acts. And of course they wouldn't leave you for your uninteresting personality (I doubt it though, I believe everybody is interesting although sometimes people themselves cannot feel it). If they do leave, it wouldn't be your fault too. Because we all know we are going through a f**king phrase now. Don't doubt yourself and it will be alright.

BTW, in my university, there are psychological consultant for free. I am not sure if it's the same in your university. If so, go and get some help.

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"Why We May Be Angry Rather Than Sad: "One of the strangest but most provocative insights about depression is found in works of psychoanalysis that tell us that depression may not at heart be about sadness; it is a kind of anger that has been unable to find expression, that has turned in on itself, and made us sad about everything and everyone when we are in truth – deep down – angry only about certain specific things and specific people. If only we could understand our disappointment and rage more intimately, we could – the theory holds – eventually regain our spirits. It isn’t existence per se that has let us down, it is a few particular events and actors whose precise identity we have lost sight of."

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-we-may-be-angry-rather-than-sad/

 

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https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/on-feeling-depressed/

Quote

sorrow is not an individual failing; that it is a basic reality for our entire species. We are extremely sensitive, fragile constructions, constantly exposed to danger; for the most part blind, hopeful without regard to reality and with unquenchable needs for love and sympathy. Our tribulations are a symptom of being human, never just a curse attached to our sliver of existence.

Others, who might seem successful, buoyant and composed will travel, at moments they shield us from, to the same places of despair we have been exiled to. We live so close to ourselves, we know so much about our private failings, we miss that our flaws are general: present even in the outwardly placid, the beautiful, the rich, and the people next door. If only we could see into the minds of strangers, we would feel so much less alone.

We are, it’s true, sometimes hard to be around. We’re easy to caricature as grumpy and a pain. But in truth, we’re sad rather than mean, anxious rather than bad. It’s hard to make our despair sound charming, to present ourselves in the way that would win us the compassion we so require. Yet we’re being harder on ourselves than we would be on a friend. We should – at the least – accord ourselves the same degree of forgiveness we wouldn’t hesitate to direct to an acquaintance.

In the end, however tempting it is, we can’t just abandon our lives. There are too many people who rely on us (even if their presence doesn’t feel real right now).

Above all, we don’t know the future. It’s the other side of our dependence on chance. Things can get slightly better for reasons it’s hard to foresee. Just as pleasures fade and can seem meaningless in retrospect, so pains (at least sometimes) can pass or soften. Things we thought we’d never be able to get over gradually become bearable; we adjust our mental posture, we stoop to accommodate a new reality.

Being miserable does not exclude us from the human community. It’s a sure sign that we are very normal – and that life is progressing, in its own dark way, more or less exactly to plan.

Hugs,

L.

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