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  1. Yesterday
  2. I know exactly what you mean! My mother had love for me but I think she was very insecure and worried that success would take me away from her so she undermined to an extent.
  3. Yeah, I think my upbringing was a rarity, but so was my extreme anti-social nature. I was aware of many parents pushing their sons very hard to be successful in athletics, but not with an extremely shy, anti-social kid. My parents were ALSO upset I didn't want anything nor want to do anything nor have any ambitions. Here is a weird one: I was paid for doing chores on our semi-rural property with the idea that when I became a teen I should have money for dating, etc. Of course, I had a very late puberty and, therefore, never dated until my last year of College when I started dinking! My mother harassed me about that though my father didn't (I guess because he never dated until he was 30.) Just to embarrass me completely, my mother once approached the bevy a cheerleaders after one of my basketball games and asked why none of them ever dated me? Stunned, one volunteered I didn't seem interested, implying I might be gay. My mother alternated between denying I was behind in sexual development and claiming it didn't matter. I guess I should give my mom a break. She was a pill head and often inappropriate!
  4. Last week
  5. @uptight outasight that is incredible. I’m not sure what drives such behavior. My parents were quite the opposite. Any ambition I had they always gave a low key vibe of “why bother / it’s foolish” w/o actually saying that.
  6. Interesting. My mother was quite masculine. She didn't hate men exactly, but resented them if they were more dominant than her. She even said she wished she were a man from the perspective "It's a man's world." She liked hunting and other masculine activities. She looked masculine. She actually often wore combats boots. Back then, a common put down was to say, "Your mother wears combat boots!" Uh, maybe that she was a gym teachers says all you need to know. My father was very aggressive in certain spheres, sports and business, but not with women. He never had a date with a woman until he was 30. His penis appeared very small flaccid as did mine. He compensated, I think, by being very physical and a leader in sports, on the job, and in business. My mother appeared to have initiated their relatioship: a man she could dominate to an extent?
  7. Probably should have mentioned my mother was a gym teacher who quit work to have kids. Also, her amphetamine addiction resulted in sleep paralysis "spells" not acceptable for a teacher! She convinced doctors she had narcolepsy and needed amphetamines to function. Amphetamines were not strongly regulated back then. Because I was afraid my mother would show-up at recess and catch me with the sissies, I would stand near the boys when they were organizing for a game and they would usually include me especially when they discovered I wasn't a basket case as far as skills went in baseball, football and basketball. That summer after 4th grade my parents insisted I join "little league" baseball. I fought and cried and had tantrums to avoid it as I knew I would be humiliated. I even hid when the time came. I was rejected by all the coaches because, obviously, I lacked the personality for team sport participation. So, my father became a coach with my mother as his assistant and formed a new team so I could play! By the summer after 6th grade, I was one of the best pitchers in the "major" league of "little league" and we won the championship. . . totally absurd! I never joined in the camaraderie with any of the other kids on the team. My father used his influence to get a lot of good players. After winning, we had a swimming party at our sponsor's mansion. He had an indoor pool. Yeah, I noticed all the boys had larger penises than me when we changed, but it wasn't a huge issue yet--I noticed none maturing yet. They joked among themselves about penis size, but didn't target me probably because they feared my parents. Each team had a commercial sponsor to help pay expenses. My father began to control the league by using his contacts to obtain sponsors.
  8. I also experienced this kind of parental gaslighting. In hindsight I've chalked it up a bit to my mom's general hatred of men. She talked down my dad a lot and always insinuated that I had his same flaws. She would never, and still doesn't ever, acknowledge my accomplishments without trying to poke holes in them and tear them down. She would chide me endlessly about how other boys in my class were better than me at this or that, and especially that the girls were better than me at things. She would hold me to unreasonably high expectations, talk about my potential, chide me if I wasn't getting straight A's, etc. I always got this impression that my mom was simultaneously trying to feign love for me and push me, while also working to secretly undermine me. Nothing like feeling pressured to succeed while also feeling like the person who is pressuring you is the one undermining you. Childhood was basically the equivalent experience to constantly being told that you have the potential, obligation, etc. to have a big dick, while having a small one.
  9. Interesting question. No, I haven't. High school girlfriend...asked me out, ended with her shunning me, hating me, etc. High school crush...rejected me when I asked her out Real girlfriend #1...cheated on me while doing study abroad, dumped me without ever telling me Real girlfriend #2...dumped me Real girlfriend #3...still dating I had a girl I went on a few dates with duck out of my kiss when I finally tried to kiss her. I will say there were a couple girls where I never followed up with them after the first date, out of fear that they didn't like me on the first date
  10. LaLa

    Quotes you like

    There are too many, but here is just one for today: "Believing that you’re the only person in your life not worth taking care of is a form of narcissism. You are not special. You are therefore not especially unworthy of care. Get over yourself."
  11. LaLa

    Quotes you like

    There are too many, but one for today: "Believing that you’re the only person in your life not worth taking care of is a form of narcissism. You are not special. You are therefore not especially unworthy of care. Get over yourself."
  12. Wow it sounds like your parents really liked to meddle and to make matters worse in a rather ham handed way.
  13. Here is an embarrassing story that illustrates "how I was" as a kid. I don't think I've ever recounted it or a similar incident to anyone prior to this. Normally, I avoid thinking about it: A stereotypical incident: I recall back in 4th grade, not joining in baseball, basketball or football play at recess but, instead, walking around talking or watching with so-called brainy sissies. I remember my mother being outraged when she stopped at the school for a meeting or something and became aware of this behavior. She focused on the fact I was actually fairly good at baseball, so there was no reason for that behavior. She rejected the sissies because they all "threw like girls." She embarrassed me terribly by forcing me into the informal scrub baseball game my peers were enjoying. After that I made efforts to be included and often was though it was very difficult for me especially as I was thereafter tagged as a Moma's boy and ridiculed for hanging out with the sissies. Exactly opposite results sought by my mother! Many similar things happened over the years
  14. How you feel matters, but I well understand it might not change your life much. If you react anything like I did you would be happier even if your life course is set.
  15. Biology is destiny. I’ve said it for years. I think it’s attributed to Freud. I probably should have mine checked but will probably procrastinate it until it no longer matters. Story of my life. But I’ll let you know if I do. Thanks for the info.
  16. You have to manipulate your doctor to an extent. You will get nowhere saying you want to be more naturally aggressive. It seems accepted to say your sexual libido is flagging. Generally, they won't ask for details about what you mean, but you can say you just don't feel like sex anymore since you aged. Testosterone supplementation is thought "OK" to compensate for the decline that occurs as many men age.
  17. In America you pretty much have to go to a urologist, but not necessarily. The first Dr. that tested me and prescribed supplementation was an Internist and also my Primary Care Physician. On a 200 to 900 scale, I was 175 at 55 years of age. . . my libido was declining. I must have been higher when younger, but based on my problems (above), not much. It isn't discussed much, but the 200 to 900 scale is an indication of how much masculinity varies in men. I'm talking objective masculinity that responds at various stages of development to testosterone, not socially constructed masculinity. Of course, "moderns" like to think masculinity is 100% social construction! If so, why do transgender men (biological women) take testosterone and transgender women take estrogen? Of course, many things like genital size grow in response to testosterone only at specific periods: in the uterus and puberty.
  18. I’ve never had mine checked. Did you go to a regular PCP or a specialist?
  19. In my view when you postulate Factor X you are talking about hormonal sufficiency, literally, JUICE, the relentless pleasure in aggressiveness: happy combativeness. I had to fake what little I had by imitating others for most of my life. When I supplemented after finding I was very low testosterone at about 55, I was amazed at the difference. Anxiety, fearfulness, worry, sadness, despondency suddenly gone. And that while still burdened with a lifetime of timid habits. Unfortunately too late to change the course of my life much. I remember thinking, "Why can't I enjoy the fight like other men seem to?" Low masculinity, low testosterone guys are NOT meant to be killed or die off, but are meant to serve the alphas and betas by being a delta or omega. The compulsive rebelliousness of gamas might lead to dangerous conflict with the alphas and betas, however.
  20. Yes. Quite a few men descend into drink, drugs or suicide when they can no longer "do" or become convinced they never can do. . . Part of their tactics in fighting for the status of doing is downing the other guy, often based on masculinity criterion. . . though it could be anything at hand. They say the opiod crisis clusters geographically around closed manufacturing. But, again, it's not that nobody cares about men. They care about what particular men can do. . . .admittedly a bit different. Men who can are worshiped.
  21. Hey, Vic! I wonder how you've meant this: It sounds like some kind of acceptance, in the sense that you know that the situation is bad, but you 'can live with it'. Or am I wrong? If not, I wonder if you'd be willing to let us know how you managed to 'accept' it, what helped and if / how you look at it differently now.
  22. I still feel the same way, in fact even more strongly. Males commit suicide at a far greater rate then females and if that’s not data I am not sure what is. Chris Rock said men are loved for what the can do; women are loved for who they are. But whatever, I really don’t even give a shit, just chatting.
  23. Wow I posted that just over 7 years ago. I’ll say more later when I am home.
  24. Oh, now I caught myself rationalizing above. I think the actuality is that no one cares about men of low masculinity (like me). With that, I agree! Men with high masculinity are worshiped as heroes and their trespasses against the weaker excused! Except for the years 12, 13, 14, 15 (my stunted puberty) I could put up a somewhat reasonable "front" of being too masculine to attract bullies. Even then, there were instances, however.
  25. I don't think your generalization that no one cares about men follows or is especially relevant to the problem of bullying. A lot of men are bullies and should NOT be cared about! My parents never saw an extreme incident of me being bullied, but did see some minor disrespectful stuff. They advised learning fighting techniques, but were in denial about my lack of physical maturity that would have made such efforts pretty futile at that point. I was bullied for a time when my slow, late puberty created a major disparity with the rougher, athletic guys my parents forced me to compete with in organized sports. I've recently remembered some really embarrassing wrestling incidents when I was 12 or 13 with no sign of puberty. I remembered being defeated wrestling, but not the humiliating emotions until recently. At the time, somehow, I congratulated myself for "doing my best" and tried to blot-out the humiliation and loss of self-esteem. Suddenly, I was no match for a number of my peers and I was targeted for domination by a number of rapidly maturing guys. Clearly, it was sexual for my tormentors though I was too naive to understand lustful sexual impulses at the time. Since it was in public, playgrounds or swimming pools, it didn't go all that far. Basically, I was made to feel their erections in various helpless positions. The worst was a guy that kneeled on my arms with his crotch inches from my face, grinning and taunting me for what seemed like forever. Everybody thought that was funny, but eventually his buddies told him to let me up, warning him he'd get in trouble. Apparently, he was lost in enjoying the sexual feelings. Yeah, this was not friendly wrestling. My actual friends were intellectual, studious, moralistic types. Sex wasn't hardly broached with them. I quickly learned not to hang at all with the guys I was forced to deal with in organized athletics.
  26. Hopefully, radiology is populated by a more decent array of people than contracting. In contracting you deal with usually corrupt business and government people that hold the purse strings. And, of course, often knuckle dragging workers and labor union leaders to say nothing maintenance staffs with hands-out. Even the Mafia came into the picture periodically.
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