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  2. Good question. The short answer is: I don't know. I guess I never really had a friend for long enough. I think that the long answer is complicated and it requires a similarly long therapy with a professional. People usually tend to avoid talking about their personal lives with me. One reason for this might be their assumption that I won't understand (or appreciate) their personal lives. I simply don't know. I could be seen as emotionally immature to others, which could lead them to form the view that there is really no point in opening up to me about their personal lives. I speculate that people who don't open up to me have good reasons for their behaviours. I am not declaring myself as the locus of problem but that is quite conceivable. J.C.
  3. Today
  4. I was like that. Abstract ideas can be a defense against the personal. However, I got involved with people who shared my abstract ideas and evolved toward the personal. Why doesn't that work in your case?
  5. From what you are describing, I think you should assume "you are the problem," not in a judgmental way, but just as a consideration of cause and effect. Self analysis is difficult however because of the tendency to maintain your ego during the process. That tends to blind you.
  6. Yesterday
  7. Dear Victimorthecrime, Jazz, IrmaJean, and LaLa, I want to thank you all for your responses. I have already tried Meetup. There aren't many good groups in my city. I can always create my own group though. I might give this another shot. 2 years ago, I joined a soccer team. We had a good league but I wasn't able to meet with anyone in that year. I went to the events hosted by the Graduate Student Association of my university. I couldn't meet with anyone at those events either. I tried to join all of the parties that people hosted at my department; I couldn't meet with anyone at those parties either [As a side note: I actually "met" a lot of people at those parties but I couldn't become friends with any of them]. I tried talking to random people at coffee shops [This did not work either]. Now, I am actually thinking of joining an improvisation class. This is something I haven't tried and I hope it can help me with my loneliness. I could be perceived as a someone who only talks about himself. However, I never really talk about myself. I always talk about abstract ideas rather than anything (or anyone) in particular. As for my roommate: I agree that I shouldn't view my relationship (or lack thereof) with him as "telling" in any way. The biggest problem there is that we share no common interests. I am totally aware of loneliness being a more common problem than I made it out to be in my post. I probably felt too emotional while writing it. I accept that online interactions can be deep and fulfilling. I also believe that online interactions (especially with random people) is mostly a hit-or-miss. I want to clarify a point I made in my post. All of you are correct in saying that it is not obvious at all that I feel sad about my situation. I definitely feel bad about my situation but not sad. This is because there is nothing to be sad about. Being alone does not take so much away from my happiness. I see it as a problem to be solved. Sure, it sometimes puts me in a depressed state but I am able to find other things to pass the time. But I am not too sold on the idea that "I am not the problem." I may be the problem, who knows? Being a 25 year old male with no history of dating, friendship, and other close contact is something out of the ordinary. Even if I am the problem, this does not mean that I am a bad person. At most it just shows that I don't have the right personality profile that makes friends and girlfriends. What I may be sad about is this: life gets lonelier as we age. Usually, the circle of friends you have gets narrower as you age. My circle is already non-existent. And I am probably at the best time of my life in terms of going through relationships (while I am healthy etc.). So, I will look back to these days 10 years later, and I will feel sad that I didn't have any interpersonal fun. Going to dinners together, movies together, reading together, having sex together, and etc. These are the things an average high-schooler has done already, none of which I had done. I don't know... I really need a therapy and I will give it a shot even if it is short-term. J.C.
  8. Last week
  9. Daveuk

    Its been a while

    And good to see all three of those
  10. Hi, J. C., I agree with all previous suggestions. But I wonder about the advises you've already got from others: Could you, please, mention what you've tried (except the things you already mention in your post), so that we can come up with some new ideas? As for groups based on interests; do you already know this website? https://www.meetup.com Also, here you can find podcasts about overcoming loneliness (on this page, and some are on the page 1, too) : https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qxx9/episodes/downloads?page=2 About your roommate: If you tried to have conversations with him, showing your interest in him (instead of only talking about yourself, as some people do), it's very probable that he is "the problem". You're not "a good match" for sure, so I wouldn't see that 'relationship' as 'telling'. As others (in previous posts) also 'insinuated', this is an illusion: Too many people are lonely, too. You can find countless articles and videos about it, for instance: https://www.forbes.com/sites/neilhowe/2019/05/03/millennials-and-the-loneliness-epidemic/#5d8b898e7676 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/201807/what-you-need-know-about-the-loneliness-epidemic I'm not suggesting at all that because it's so widespread, it's not a problem and you should just accept it. I just want you to know that being alone, not finding "the one" (for friendship or another kind of relationship), not having got success in socialising doesn't tell (almost?) anything about you; it certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you that prevents you from having a good friend. Yes, some of the people who are lonely surely are jerks or too socially awkward. But there's no equivalence / implication: Not having friends doesn't imply being 'inapt / unfit' in this regard! Moreover, even based on your post, you do seem like a kind, decent, friendly, intelligent guy, not only because of this part: Also: It's not crazy at all and many people have mainly / only on-line interactions, nowadays. And these interactions are important and can be deep and beneficial, so I wouldn't underestimate their importance in your life. As Vic's post already showed, it's not so obvious that you're sad about it. (Well, it's obvious from what you wrote that you are suffering from loneliness and it worries you.) There are some people who are OK with being so alone. But it's a matter of personality, predispositions... so, please, don't see this as a reason to try to renounce the efforts to find a friend! You're evidently a person who needs social interactions and a good, deep friendship, so don't give up and don't force yourself to just accept it forever. I see why you'd like a deep, long psychotherapy. It can be a very good thing, undoubtedly. But I wouldn't refuse the kind of help that's available to you now! It could still do you some good. It feels even better talking about most issues to a professional than 'just' writing about them on a forum. What about giving it a try? It's understandable; when something is bothering or hurting us, it's not often easy to focus on what we like. Perhaps even starting that therapy / counseling would alleviate that burden and make you feel better enough to be able to focus on your interests. Also, I would recommend these articles about the subject: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/category/sociability/friendship/ (for instance: https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/why-men-are-so-bad-at-friendship/ - this may well be true about all the men you tried to befriend!) It's true that they describe (also) ideals that are hard to find . My own experience shows that "applying the rules" (mainly about being open about one's failures and dark sides etc.) doesn't always work - not many people are prepared to be close friends and they may 'freak out' / be repelled if someone starts 'oversharing', for instance. (Even I don't like people who overshare in a relationship that isn't close, BTW. And my experiences say that most / many people hate it, mainly if someone overshares their problems. So... no wonder it's so hard to find a good friend. ) I'm looking forward to your answers! Take care and good luck!
  11. LaLa

    Its been a while

    Hi, Jazz; nice to see you again, too!
  12. That does sound good. Had to google Toad in the Hole but anything w sausage & onions sounds good to me.
  13. Hello, JC. It sounds as though you are seeking a connection that can be difficult to find these days in our fast paced, high tech society. Some (or many) people have no interest or need for intimate friendships and instead have a circle of acquaintances. I see that too. I also agree with Jazz, that these types of relationships with others can be rare and challenging to maintain throughout our lifetimes. That being said I think that these wonderful friendships can still be possible. I think the key is to keep putting oneself out there. Also, I think it's important to know the other person's expectations in a relationship and to know they closely match with yours. Joining different groups is a great idea. Shared interests can be a place to begin communication and make connections. Best wishes.
  14. Hiya JC, what a difficult situation and getting more common with loads of people, very easy to get isolated. I do agree with Vic, it is worth trying an interest group with a purpose where there is an activity - could be anything. I like crafts and this week spent the day making beautiful scented candles with about ten other people, knew none of them but it was fun and a good situation to make friends because there is a lot of talking - I'm guessing you don't want to do that kind of thing but if you choose the hobby wisely there is potential. Why not start you own group? I know someone who did that, it worked. Really great reliable friends are like gold dust and my sister often says how keeping up friendships once you have them is an art in itself as well. So don't be too harsh on yourself.
  15. jazz

    Its been a while

    Yummy 👌 Now that is a nice menu! Hello LaLa 💜
  16. Daveuk

    Its been a while

    Everything is going good I can now make from scratch fudge, toad in the hole, chicken and mushroom pie, apple crumble
  17. @JOHNSON CAMPBELL - I took a programming course w this guy named Fred and this cat was way over on the spectrum. He was smart enough to realize he had a problem w loneliness & what he did was join groups that had a specific purpose. That eased interaction by directing attention to the subject of the group. For example he was fascinated w trains and ships. He would join groups that would share pictures, stories, news, and would (I kid you not) go watch trains at various locations. As you can imagine it was a major sausage fest but it was fun and he did make friends. I am much older than you and I don’t even have family checking up on me. I only have 2 friends that I actually see, and handful of others that I keep in touch w on line but rarely see in real life. The difference w me is that I grew up an only child and am comfortable w my own company. But like you I would like to have more friends. Good luck!
  18. Dear members of the Mental Support Community, I'm a 25 year old male. I have always been alone. My family and I have a very emotionally detached relationship (though they aren't really aware of this). I have been living far away from them for the last 9 years. I have no one in my current city that I can talk to and hang out with. Whenever I go out, I go out alone. I read books at coffee shops, go to bookshops, and sometimes go to bars. I am highly educated (I have never been outside of academia and I'm on my way to a PhD program next year). I have never dated anyone in my life. I had kissed some girls (the last one was about 2 years ago). I have never engaged in sexual intercourse (SPS might be responsible for this; but I must say, I don't feel like I have SPS). No one has ever wanted to be my long-term friend. No one, except my family, calls me on a regular basis. No one initiates a get together (except me). I always try very hard to coordinate with people to meet up with them. And whenever I do meet up with them, I am always let down because I can sense that they don't really want to establish a long-term relationship (friendship, romantic relationship etc.). I had tried several dating apps before (though I never spent any money on them). I had never been successful any dating apps (I am no longer using such apps). I also had never been successful with people whom I met through my other friends (which I have none now). In short, I tried my best in going out there (even if it means a terrible lonely night). I gave up, seriously... I think I accepted the fact that I'll be alone. There may be deep psychological reasons for why I am always alone. I did not seek out professional help for this because I am skeptical that any therapy will help me. I am saying this because I researched the therapy services provided by my university and they seem to specialize in short-term mental health problems rather than long-term (and perhaps deeper) problems. No one asks how I am doing (except my family). No one calls me or texts me to invite me somewhere. No one even returns my texts: I texted two of my (so-called) friends, they haven't even returned my text (it has been over a week). I have decided that I won't talk to them anymore (even if they are my only potential friends). I am not saying that people need to ask how I am doing or invite me somewhere. The world or people that inhabit the world don't owe me anything and I am fully aware of this fact. However, as I age, I feel worse about the persistent lack of social interaction. I'll tell you something worse. I have been living with someone for over 6 months and if you were to time the amount of talking we have done so far, it wouldn't amount to more than 2 hours. Even my roommate doesn't want to talk to me or ask me how I am doing (despite the fact that I would love to chat about what's going on in his life). I have introspected a lot, in the pursuit of finding the culprit for my current situation, but I cannot find the reason why I am always alone. I always want to make people feel good when they are around me. I value their opinions, respect who they are. I am always open to novel experiences. I am an educated and calm person. I have money (not too much but surely enough for socializing). I am kind of funny too (which has been pointed out to me by my older friends). I am a decent-looking guy. I don't groom stylistically but I am a clean guy. I actually have no idea on what I should do. As my loneliness continues, it gets deeper and more insolvable. I have tried many things and none have worked out for me. I wonder: how on earth I cannot seem to find one good friend (or girlfriend)? How on earth I am always alone on this earth when everybody else has people caring about them and hanging out with them? How on earth I cannot reach out to anyone? It is crazy how I am so hopeless that I seek some interaction digitally. For me, this is what human relationship has come down to: digital interaction with people who I don't know (nor have any possibility in actually meeting non-digitally). I feel sad about my situation, obviously. Fortunately, I have developed a very high threshold for loneliness. Two years ago, I had not talked or met anyone for 3 months (except my family) --- that was the craziest and deepest loneliness I had endured. 3 months, can you imagine? I don't block myself out to the external world (a point I tried to make earlier). I act on advices from others on how I can improve my chances of leaving loneliness. This being said, I am probably deeply broken and people can see that in my eyes. I think I am deeply broken about life. I have always wanted to live a communal life with caring people who devote themselves to each other. Unfortunately, I have always lived in an individualistic community. Life sucks for me, except for my intellectual interests. Even then, it sometimes becomes hard to give a shit about my intellectual interests because I am always alone. To sum up: I don't know what to do. I definitely should seek out professional help but I can't find long-term therapy in my city (I am an international student so I cannot take full advantage of health care services). To be honest, I am stuck. I will either close myself to the external world even more than it is now or I will somehow find the professional help I desperately need. Like I said, I am sick and tired of running after people for mediocre socialization. I am done with investing too much time and effort, only to be let down later. I am tired, period. Cheers, J.C.
  19. Oh wow look who it is! Hi Dave. Hope all is well w you. Any news you care to share? How is everything w the apartment?
  20. LaLa

    Its been a while

    How have you been doing?
  21. 🧁 hello Vic 😄

    1. Victimorthecrime

      Victimorthecrime

      Hi Jazz!  Good to hear from you. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you post so you crossed my mind a few times.  
      I miss the days of you and me Daveuk. 
      Everything good you with you I hope?  

    2. jazz

      jazz

      Hiya Vic. It has been a bit of a mixed rollercoaster kind of time but now feeling a lot better. Lots I could say but you know me, I don't say much about anything!!

      Just been on a nice holiday to a gorgeous little place in the Cotswolds, that was good.

      How are you?

  22. jazz

    Its been a while

    Hello Dave, I haven't posted for a long time either 👑
  23. @Victimorthecrime Dole away, I'm open to suggestions and advice, if you want to say something, feel free. I'm ok atm, but it's an ongoing thing. Up, down, peaks, troughs, it never ends.
  24. Yeah, I always had a battle with wanting to know the truth and not wanting to know. Obviously, you need to know the truth, good or bad for the ego, by honest communication to improve. Maybe I gave unconscious signals that I didn't want to communicate honestly, so no one did. Must be different when the sex is great for the woman from the beginning for whatever reason. I gather sometimes it is.
  25. @YOTH sorry to hear that. I won’t dole out any dumb ass advice, shit you already know. But I hope you find a solution.
  26. Dunno really, the usual suspects?Addiction, depression and becoming a zombified husk of my former self. Turns out I'd never been depressed before, not at any point in my whole life, but I only realised that when I was actually depressed, until that point I had nothing to compare it to. It was honestly the worst feeling I've ever felt. But that was then, just need to focus on the future.
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