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  1. So, here I am back on the site, after my second semester.

    One of the things that brings me back is the perception of having lost something.

    I have checked in, on occasion;  sometimes run updates or whatever;  read some posts that I thought might be interesting.  So why has it been so hard to post anything?

    Part of it is a kind of fatigue.  The program I'm in is very "stretching";  it makes you ask yourself over and over whether you're sure of things you've believed most of your life.  And being twice as old as most of my peers, that's a longer time for me than for them.  So I'll just come out and say it:  people believe some crazy shit, and the one I'm most familiar with is me.

    What has always been the difficulty is the shit-replacement phase of the operation.  Many of us are aware of our ... delusions;  some of us are aware that we have some power over them;  remarkably few of us know what to do after that.  I know, for me, some of my crazy shit includes my most cherished illusions.  It's not easy giving them up, especially because that involves forgiving myself for all the trouble that the shit has caused me over the years.

    Anyway, before I ramble too far:  it makes it hard to hold a mirror for others when you're afraid you might catch a glimpse of yourself in it.

    And all of that is very deep, and metaphoric, and other stuff I'm fond of using to cover up my own weaknesses, so now that that's out of the way:  this semester didn't go that well.

    The classes were more substantial and information-filled, which, if the information were all fairly factual, like a science or math class, would have been great for me.  Unfortunately, the psychology field is fairly devoid of anything indisputable.  It's all opinion, fundamentally, and the opinions tend to vary almost as radically as political opinions do.  That's fine:  I have opinions, and usually know what they are and why I have them.  But the classes this semester had more papers I had to write, and the papers had more opinions I needed to defend, and, for me at least, a stronger feeling that I was being evaluated by the professors for having the "right" opinions.  Each paper became harder to write than the one before it, and by the end of the semester, I had developed enough of a writer's block to have not turned in three separate papers in two different classes.  Suffice it to say, you can't pass classes with zeros on major papers.  So, for the three classes I took this semester, I got an A, an X (the equivalent of an F that doesn't prevent you from taking the class again), and an Incomplete.

    Obviously, this can't continue.  So now I'm trying to find a psychiatrist (in addition to my regular therapist) to see if they can take the edge off the anxiety I feel.  And, at the moment, I'm putting off calling them back by writing all this.

    So, is it a failure if you're still learning?
    {And I know everyone's going to rush to answer that, but it's really me that I'm asking it of.}

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    Recent Entries

    Laney girl
    Latest Entry

    can someone help me out here? i just had a cutting episode and i feel really bad about myself. I also feel pretty guilty and i dont really know who to talk to about this because i dont want my mom to freak out and i dont really like my therapist so idk if i want to talk to her about it. I dont really know but could anyone give me some advice of any kind??? thank you

  2. So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back.

    This time will be different, though, because I know how I did it before. Doing the exact same thing may not work this time, because I have changed as a person, but I now know my mind better and I know how to work with it, somewhat.

    The urge to drink is intense. Not for one or two, but to get so blacked out drunk that I don't wake up for 3 days. I've never dealt with an upset like this before without drinking, so the urge is understandable. I don't see how my self destruction would help anyone, though, so I keep going, hoping to get better at some point.

    This is my personal blog, so I have talked about my own reaction, but I want to be clear this issue is not all about me. I wasn't directly affected; I know some folks in Orlando but all are safe, but as a gay male I can only see this as an attack on "my" community and of course I take that personally. If you were affected by the shootings, know that my heart is with you and so are those of the rest of the community including straight allies.

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    Recent Entries

    JaiJai
    Latest Entry

    Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!  

    So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.   

    After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.   

    My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.  

     

    So life has been busy, but enjoyable.  

     

    Those are the big things-  

    What's been going on in you're lives?  

     

     

     

  3. Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying! 

    Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard. 

    But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺

    Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway 😄

  4. What I learned at EST

    Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs. 

    The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.  

    By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed.  To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself. 

  5. Andromeda
    Latest Entry

    I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.

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