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    Laney girl
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    can someone help me out here? i just had a cutting episode and i feel really bad about myself. I also feel pretty guilty and i dont really know who to talk to about this because i dont want my mom to freak out and i dont really like my therapist so idk if i want to talk to her about it. I dont really know but could anyone give me some advice of any kind??? thank you

  1. malign
    Latest Entry

    Twue Wuv!

    Okay, so I can't do this without quoting The Princess Bride, maybe because I'm wearing a mask and a tiny Dread Pirate Roberts mustache, or maybe because my head is lolling around from just having been resuscitated ...

    But I'm getting married tomorrow!  :-)

    That's been the plan, ever since I moved up here a couple of years ago to be with her, but up until now, it had seemed better to put it off.  For one thing, my previous marriage was not a picnic, much less twue wuv, so fear was definitely a factor.  Too, there was a lot for me to work on, in myself:  what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, for one thing;  what to do with the part of my life that had come to an end, for another.  Perhaps, even, the question of what parts I deliberately wanted to end, and what parts to change.

    "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end," as the song says.  My signature says something comparable, "When the Way comes to an end, then change.  Having changed, you pass through."  Passing through, you begin again.  After all, the Way doesn't end.  We do, or our illusions do.  Or nothing ends;  it just flows on from one thing to the next.

    So yeah, philosophy:  a complicated way to say what we all already know, but may not have been able to say, before.  Plus, it's a great way to explore the limits of thought, and the limits of the words we use to express thought.  A way to convince thought that something else is needed ...

    And one word for what that something else is, is "Love".

  2. So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back.

    This time will be different, though, because I know how I did it before. Doing the exact same thing may not work this time, because I have changed as a person, but I now know my mind better and I know how to work with it, somewhat.

    The urge to drink is intense. Not for one or two, but to get so blacked out drunk that I don't wake up for 3 days. I've never dealt with an upset like this before without drinking, so the urge is understandable. I don't see how my self destruction would help anyone, though, so I keep going, hoping to get better at some point.

    This is my personal blog, so I have talked about my own reaction, but I want to be clear this issue is not all about me. I wasn't directly affected; I know some folks in Orlando but all are safe, but as a gay male I can only see this as an attack on "my" community and of course I take that personally. If you were affected by the shootings, know that my heart is with you and so are those of the rest of the community including straight allies.

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    JaiJai
    Latest Entry

    Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!  

    So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.   

    After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.   

    My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.  

     

    So life has been busy, but enjoyable.  

     

    Those are the big things-  

    What's been going on in you're lives?  

     

     

     

  3. Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying! 

    Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard. 

    But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺

    Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway 😄

  4. What I learned at EST

    Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs. 

    The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.  

    By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed.  To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself. 

  5. Andromeda
    Latest Entry

    I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.

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