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  1. So, here I am in my fourth semester of a master's program in Counseling Psychology.  In danger of failing another class.

    Maybe it's a Spring thing;  that's when I last had this trouble.  Maybe it's that my classes this time are again challenging beliefs instead of providing facts.  Challenging beliefs should be a good thing;  unchallenged ones lack detail and fail to inspire confidence.

    But what it feels like is that each class, in a different way, is telling me that I'll make a great counselor;  all I have to do is be someone different.

    Now, this perception may be a valid assessment of the curriculum, or it may be my issue.  I do have trouble defining an identity:  I got burned the first time I tried to take on the role of Husband;  I've worked for years as a computer programmer, so is that my identity?;  I had never even considered a helping profession for myself before the separation, was that a denial of latent ability or am I now fooling myself about having any?

    Amusingly, one of my current courses is on Career Counseling, yet I've never really had any.  I always assumed I knew my strengths, I knew what job required what strength, what more did I need?

    Well, one word is "self-efficacy."  I've never felt confident that I was good at anything in particular, except school.  I grew into computers, and eventually had some confidence.  But every interview, I felt as if I had to present something false, or rather, someone false, in order even to be considered.  Then I had to go through a phase of intense learning (calling it "cramming", as students do, doesn't do it justice), just so I would feel minimally competent in whatever the new job required.  I'm sure my employers welcomed my efforts, but I would have been unable to reduce those efforts even if told to take it easy.  It was my anxiety, and my need, that drove me.

    And now here I am studying a field where you can't cram.  It takes time to learn about yourself;  there's no fast track, no manual you can memorize.  No easy decisions.  Engineering is pretty much defined as making difficult compromises between all the relevant variables, but none of those compromises is about your own identity, your own needs, your own value.

    I thought I knew who I thought I was.  Now I'm wondering who they think I am, under what circumstances I should care, or even whether they know better that I.  I know that if they (my instructors) were to decide I shouldn't be a counselor, I would have to honor that decision.  Passing courses is required for licensure, for one thing, but I simply wouldn't want to work in a field where I was not qualified.  I have no desire to harm my clients;  what I don't have is any idea whether something about me might cause harm inadvertently.  For that, I have to trust the evaluations of others, and that's where my doubt takes hold.

    I know I wasn't promised a doubt-free existence.  It would be nice if it weren't a constant, though.

  2. I feel suicidal a lot these days. Something little can make me start thinking about hurting myself and that there is no point. My friend is worried about me and I dont want to bother her. Last two months were stressful, but I had more stressful days in the past, but now I feel suicidal and I dont know why.

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    Recent Entries

    Laney girl
    Latest Entry

    can someone help me out here? i just had a cutting episode and i feel really bad about myself. I also feel pretty guilty and i dont really know who to talk to about this because i dont want my mom to freak out and i dont really like my therapist so idk if i want to talk to her about it. I dont really know but could anyone give me some advice of any kind??? thank you

  3. So, after starting to think I was doing so much better, the shooting in Orlando happened. I haven't dealt with that very well. I'm still in a bit of shock, as I can't even fathom the loss of life that happened that night. To be honest it's thrown me back into a state of depression. I can feel all those old thought patterns starting up again. Taking everything personally, black and white thinking, perfectionism, all those habits I've worked so hard to undo are back.

    This time will be different, though, because I know how I did it before. Doing the exact same thing may not work this time, because I have changed as a person, but I now know my mind better and I know how to work with it, somewhat.

    The urge to drink is intense. Not for one or two, but to get so blacked out drunk that I don't wake up for 3 days. I've never dealt with an upset like this before without drinking, so the urge is understandable. I don't see how my self destruction would help anyone, though, so I keep going, hoping to get better at some point.

    This is my personal blog, so I have talked about my own reaction, but I want to be clear this issue is not all about me. I wasn't directly affected; I know some folks in Orlando but all are safe, but as a gay male I can only see this as an attack on "my" community and of course I take that personally. If you were affected by the shootings, know that my heart is with you and so are those of the rest of the community including straight allies.

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    JaiJai
    Latest Entry

    Hey guys, sorry for being so hit and miss lately.  Things have been wild and woolly lately, in a good way.  Got some forward momentum here too.  Yay!  

    So I''ve been seeing RT for 14 months now ( by far a record of stable relationship for me ) and things are good.   

    After 3 weeks of realestate drama, we purchased a little old house in an older part of town we like. We have lots of work ahead of us, but we're hoping to make it our family home and be there for quite a while.   

    My other tidbit is, we're pregnant.  RT is over the moon.  Its pretty early stil so ..... Shhhh, just in case anything happens.  

     

    So life has been busy, but enjoyable.  

     

    Those are the big things-  

    What's been going on in you're lives?  

     

     

     

  4. Life has been floating along quite smoothly for some time now - Im not saying I havnt messed up ocassionally (coz lets face it, this is me) or that life has been easy (coz its not) or that Ive won the lottery ( dont gamble) or that Ive suddenly become normal (eeek scarey thought!) But I can say Im enjoying life again - which is something I thought Id never be able to say without lying! 

    Parts of me - important parts of my being will always be lost, until one day, someday, maybe never but hopefully one day. Ive had to accept that - it was hard. Very hard. 

    But time moves forward even when my mind or my fear take me backwards momentarily. And for once not only am I moving forward Im looking forward ☺

    Its a weird life that Ive had and I dare say it will always be a little strange or erm different. But thats ok, coz I dont think I could handle normal anyway ?

  5. What I learned at EST

    Life is conversation, a speaking and a listening. It is this way because that is how it occurs. 

    The voice you hear in your head is saying exactly what you are listening for. It is called the "already always listening" and it creates a clearing for the occurring that is your life.  

    By changing your speaking and listening you can change your life because that is what your life consists of: an on going conversation. It is so automatic that we forget that it is there or can be changed.  To make it work you have to honor your word as yourself. 

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