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I personally don't like altering my state of mind, I've smoked several times and tried to get myself to enjoy it, but even that is too much for me. The high I get from smoking is overwhelming for me, so I just exercise. Whether it be basketball or boxing, its a nice escape, even if its only for hours at a time.

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Hello Lawliet, I feel how you feel sometimes too.. trying to surpass people in what they do because I am afraid that they will think less of me, becuase I feel insecure... If I know someone who plays piano, and I do not, and I hear a commentary from someone else saying "oh he is good" I will feel like if I was being compared and will feel down for a week or so until I forget that, even if I do not do the same thing, or if I do... I will always feel compared to everyone, in everything... I don't know if people think alike, but I just do, and at the same time I don't feel interested that much. I noticed that doing physical exercicies everyday started to help me to think more of myself... Also I started to study harder music, and started to learn something new everyday, maybe a new french word, or something weird like, who was the first Chinese Emperor? Maybe not that useful, but if you learn something you feel better.. You must also keep in mind that people are not so talented as they act, sometimes they do a trick or two to make you think more of them... Comparing is not even fair at all.. Everyone is so unique that there is nobody like you in this world, someone can think alike or do something you do, but they are not you and will never be... Find the things you can do well, if you can't just practice, eventually you will surpass yourself and that is what you need. We, human beings are not numbers, we can't compare to each other in everything.. You will meet new people to be happy with in your life yet, just keep your mind open to that even if it takes time. Every new day is new... When you look back you can't pay attention to what is going to happen next. I have passed a lot of time thinking about the few happy momments I had in my life, but time will pay me back for all the suffering, and it made me learn a lot about myself and my life, have faith

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Well you're a better man than me. My first (and only) attempt at sex, I couldn't get it up if I overdosed on viagra. I couldn't overcome the desensitization of consistent masturbation to porn. Now I know, if I ever get the balls to unveil my penis to another women, I will make sure to lay off the porn and meat shakin for at least 2 or 3 weeks before.

No offense taken.

I'm sorry you've been through so much in your life, Lawliet. Being ill as a child must have been so very difficult to cope with on so many levels. I hope you are healthy and well now. Connections with family and friends are so important; I think this is something we all need. I'm sorry you did not have the kind of relationships in your childhood that you both wanted and needed. I'm also sorry about the loss of your cousin. Loss can be so painful and difficult. Is there a counselor you might talk with about your feelings and struggles? Some friends might not understand or be able to listen, but you may also find some friends that want to be there for you. Support can be so helpful during difficult times. Do you have any hobbies or interests? I hope things look a bit brighter for you soon, Lawliet. Take care.