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Hey Yahweh, just wanted to give you a shout out that I know exactly what you mean about summer. I live in a place that gets really hot and I detest hot weather in the first place, but I also hate the way it makes me feel because of my body. I dread the first warm day of spring because it's like everybody is waiting in the edge of their seats to wear shorts and flip flop sandals and tank tops or bikinis. I've also noticed since being back on a college campus that guys' clothing seems to be following female trends by being form fitting and revealing, especially these kind of jock running pants or athletic pants that are like sweats but are tight in the crotch and thighs. And of course the guys who have something to show are as vain as the women about flaunting it. Then call you gay if you point this out. It just makes me feel like shit. It might be well over 100 F and I'll be the only schmuck wearing loose jeans. In winter I can pretty well cocoon myself in clothing. It's not just my bulge either, I'm a scrawny stringy pale skinned nerdy piece of shit anyway so I have absolutely nothing to show. It actually makes me feel vulnerable. I used to get so mad when I was younger because of the frustration of it all that I'd almost start crying but usually just get in a severely bad mood and go home to my shithole apartment and destroy shit and want to kill somebody. I'm older now and basically world weary so I don't get so mad anymore just ready to get it the fuck over with. So yeah, I completely sympathize and have felt exactly the same constricting panic/frustration. I honestly don't know why people don't just go naked. Summer clothes leave nothing to the imagination anyway and they obviously are so fucking proud of themselves for having been born with good genetics. I swear, even the fucking ancient Greeks weren't as obsessed with bodies and flesh as modern society.

@Lodz I remember being on a beach and when I got out of the sea my pants stuck to me like a vacuum sealed bag. Two girls were on deck chairs not far from the water and they laughed at me. That was a pretty low moment for me obviously lol, but I didn't let it ruin my holiday. Same holiday few nights before the sea incident, a girl starts feeling me up and for some reason I don't stop it, she gets to my cock and I'm totally limp. She stopped and started laughing and got up and went to find her friend, then they both laughed. Jesus, that's happened to me more times than I care to remember. That was a pretty crap holiday cock wise but I actually had a really good time otherwise. Last time I ever went swimming actually and I used to really enjoyed it too. What a life ?

I even feel self conscious about my size in winter clothes though. I am small in almost every conceivable way. Short, narrow build, hands, feet. Cute boyish face even though i'm 38. Only things on me that are big are my butt and my nose.

@Pax man you said it! The worst for me is swimming. Particularly getting out of the pool when my wet trunks cling, leaving little to the imagination until i pull them loose. And ive noticed damn near every other guy has some sort of bulge in swim trunks even when dry. Ive got nothing there without at least a semi.

@Pax Yeh, it's well and truly fucked. I'm about to buy stainless steel ball weights and start the actual stretching but I feel I need to move house or something so I can have a fresh start with new people and new faces. I want to be confident in my own skin, but I honestly feel like it's gonna take a long time to feel normal. The winter is over, here comes the summer ?. Just have to grind it out ??☮

These are your fantasies, your assumptions tainted by your self-hate, distorted self-image, and suffering. Your mom wouldn't have to worry about your future, but she wouldn't have any hope (for a better future) left and would live in constant mental pain, self-questioning, qualms of conscience, remorses... till the end of her life. Would it really be better? Moreover: source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1046/j..1983.00623.x/asset/j..1983.00623.x.pdf;jsessionid=FE4B30258CCB78C09EB7EAB69967335D.f04t02?v=1&t=j0tsor0n&s=9278a18d324c5259a86e6a2b7025376400bcbe81 And your nephew might be little now, but the impact of a suicide on the whole family would very much affect him. Even if they didn't tell him, it would create a big taboo in the family and that's probably always a source of mental problems... source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217849/ source: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/store/10.1046/j..1983.00623.x/asset/j..1983.00623.x.pdf;jsessionid=FE4B30258CCB78C09EB7EAB69967335D.f04t02?v=1&t=j0tsor0n&s=9278a18d324c5259a86e6a2b7025376400bcbe81 From the same article - something about the fact that even if only one person would react "too badly" to your suicide, this one person could damage a lot his or her whole family: Now to your other assumptions: They have the ability to predict the future? But no, I don't take it as a joke; it's important: If you think like this, you believe it, you increase much the probability that you'll live according to it. Don't make a self-fulfilling prophecy of it! It's not true, it's only your (and, perhaps, also theirs, but that's not as much important (and I doubt they think so, BTW)) assumption about yourself (and about them). Of course it would be better! But to save yourself such kind of fate, you don't have to commit suicide; there are much better ways. I cannot tell you what to do; I don't know your situation. But there's on thing I've already recommended to you and I'll repeat it: Seek appropriate professional help. You're not alone for the huge task to get better; you need help and it's OK. Seek it, ask for it... Finally, some more things to read and consider in the context of this assumption: For instance: taken from here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/two-takes-depression/201311/understanding-survivors-suicide-loss taken from here: https://www.amazon.ca/No-Time-Say-Goodbye-Surviving/dp/0385485514 I encourage you to read more about these topics, here, for instance: https://cmhc.utexas.edu/bethatone/studentscopingsuicide.html http://www.refinery29.com/2015/09/93480/sister-suicide-death I'm sure you think your case is different, that your family and friends would react differently, because "you're a burden" to them, ... But most, if not all, those people who killed themselves supposed the same - and you can see how much they were mistaken! They hurt their loved-ones much more by their suicide than by everything they did before. When you're alive, there's always a chance, a hope to change things for better - for you as well as for your loved-ones. When you decide for suicide, you only get rid of your owns suffering, but ruin the rest of their lives for your close-ones. I know getting better is difficult and takes time, efforts and often also money. But it's the only thing you can try to do if you care for you mom, your boyfriend, ... Good luck and keep posting!

Hiya Bri, welcome. I don't know much about OCD, but I have had CBT for depression and found it had a logic and a practicality to it which helped. Hope it does for you too. Also think you are right to address any sleep and diet issues, what sort of diet will you be trying? Best of luck with it.

Welcome, Bri. It sounds as if you are coping with a whole lot, but you also seem to have a positive outlook, which is wonderful. When you feel yourself spinning with an obsessive worry, try not to allow the thoughts to adhere, if at all possible. Have you tried deep breathing and/or relaxation techniques? Yoga is a great place to start. I hope too that you find CBT helpful. My daughter was recently diagnosed with OCD. I understand that making these changes and learning new skills can be extremely challenging. I wish you healing. We are here to support you along the way. Take care.

Hi Bri. I have heard good things about CBT but have never done it myself. You are a young person & I would invite you to gently challenge yourself w regard to the anxiety issue. For example if being in a crowd gives you anxiety or talking to strangers or whatever, try doing those things in a limited and controlled manner where you can bail if need be. Just keep doing it over and over because practice makes perfect. Good luck. ?