ruben205

I have a therapist I've been seeing for about 6 months and I was doing better a few months ago but I'm rapidly deteriorating. I'm just about ready to give up and accept I am what I am and it's pretty much impossible for someone to like me whom I also like. I haven't told him about the physical self-abuse because that just started in the last couple weeks. When I respected myself I never really had much more luck so I don't know anymore. The only thing at all motivating me to get up each day is that I'm still in med school but I worry if I were to fail out I'd become entirely despondent. I just don't know what to do anymore and have become disgusted with myself.

I feel so ashamed of myself, like I'm less of a man. I feel like I'm insufficient and there's something inherently wrong with me (I've made out with girls but never had sex). I guess I cut to punish myself for being so inept. I usually think about how ridiculous it is for me to be happy with someone I like or to punish myself for foolishly getting my hopes up with someone. There hasn't been a day in my life since I was maybe 17 that I didn't think about this, it's just that now I'm feeling worse and worse. I don't know what to do anymore but punish myself for failing. I know that's not really going to help me but all the rejection has made me feel like it's my fault and I'm just defective. This obsession of mine is ruining my life, but I can't not think about it or downplay it after years of making it so important to me. Every day it becomes more important to me yet seems more difficult to achieve. It's making me absolutley hate myself because it reinfoces the idea that I'm just not good enough.

There's also a very attractive girl in another program at my school that I've been flirting with. I'm crazy about her and she knows I like her but she's keeping me at a distance. While she's straight up told off other guys that she's not interested she hasn't done that to me but she also has sort of ignored my advances (I think because she thinks I'm a "nice guy." I don't know what to do about her and I'm very afraid that when I make a more clear move and get officially rejected the cuts will be especially bad. Even when I see her change a facebook profile picture (it got 6 likes in 12 minutes) I get upset at myself for thinking I could be with someone like her and I get the strong urge to cut. It makes me feel worthless, ugly, and ashamed of my inadequacy.

The only times I don't feel depressed is when I'm distracted. But I doubt I can go more than an hour or so without thinking about it. It's seriously affecting my academic life as my grades have been terrible so far this semester. I feel uncomftorable around classmates now, like they know my inadequacies problems. This aspect of not feeling worthy of love is ruining my life. It's a vicious cycle because the more I obsess about this problem, the harder it seems to fix, and the worse the problem becomes. I'm absolutely disgusted, ashamed, and humiliated with myself and am constantly reinforcing how pathetic I am either verbally or physically. I see friends, classmates, people on the street etc able to form romantic relationships and then wonder what is so repulsive and putrid about me. I've hooked up with girls but never had a romantic relationship longer than maybe a week. The girls who liked me I didn't like back. I used to be a pretty outgoing guy but I've completely lost that desire. I'm seeing a talk therapist but I don't want to tell them about the cuts because I'm afraid they'd committ me or something. The worst thing that could happen to me would be to drop out of school because then I would feel like I am completely worthless and useless. It's also a shameful problem for an adult man to be doing this to himself. Would they committ me for doing this? It's sick because the only thing I look forward to now is cutting again and punishing myself. I thought about how I would explain the cuts to a girl if I were to actually become intimate with someone and then I laughed at myself and cut again. When I cut I think about how ridiculous it is to even think things can be better and how foolish I am for fantasizing about being happy with someone. I'm getting scared because every time I do it cutting get's easier and worse. I'm rapidly losing faith that I can ever fix this problem. I don't know what to do anymore except self-punish.

[possibly graphic, possibly trigger] I started cutting myself a few weeks ago. I'm a 24 yo male in my first year of med school. I've never been able to have a girlfriend or anything like that despite trying. I tried the online sites but failed again. I guess I cut to punish myself because I feel unworthy of love or romantic relationships. I have no problem making friends (although no I really don't hang out with people anymore) but I could never seem to find someone with mutual attraction. I'm in relatively good shape physically (so people say) but I still feel repulsive, maybe it's my face or something I don't know. I'm kind of worried because each time I cut it seems to get easier to do it. I know Dr. Dombeck said in his experience 100% of people who self-injure have survived significant abuse but I haven't. My psychiatrist thought I had PTSD like symptoms but no, I have nothing I can blame my inadequacy on but myself. I cut worse to punish myself when I have a fantasy that I could actually be in a relationship with a girl I actually like as though to remind myself what a piece of S I really am. Everyone says it's no big deal but my personality is changing as I'm becoming more reserved, withdrawn, yet more prone to outbursts. I started taking Zoloft last week but the cutting hasn't stopped. I'm ashamed to tell that to anyone in real life, I don't cut for attention I do it to punish. I am not suicidal right now but I worry if I fail out of med school I will be. School is the only thing holding me up anymore but I'm not doing well academically right now which frightens me. I just don't know what to do anymore.