anonymouskitty

I used to have emotions I think. I barely remember. At least I know I had more than I do now. I haven't had them since sometime during when I started some of my medicine. I don't know if it was from Buspar or Zyprexa. I started those at the same time and that seems to be when it started. But I may or may not have had no emotions a few weeks before I started medicine when my schizophrenia got noticable. I am not sure if it was a coincidence and if it is trauma from being taken away from my mother and being put in the mental hospital again, and/or a symptom of the schizophrenia. But anyways, I haven't felt anything in about a year. Except the occasional heartache. But not actual sadness. Sometimes good moods, but no happiness. If that makes sense. I don't know how to describe it. The whole time I have felt numb in the brain. I rarely cry. When I do it's only watery eye(s) or a tear or two. How can I feel happy again? Or even just feel.. anything? I have tried a few antidepressants, but so far all it has done is take away most of my depression which I seem to have developed. Though no sadness, just lack of motivation and not wanting to do anything... loss of interest in life... deep depression without sadness.. lack of will to live maybe? I can't remember. But I know I feel that now. Because I feel nothing now.