JaneE

Thanks, you guys! I really appreciate this :-)

Hi Community! I used to come here a lot, when I was still in my abusive relationship. A little over a year ago I left him, and have been very busy getting used to my new life. Mostly it's been SO MUCH BETTER, though there are times I still feel really horrid. I would NEVER go back to him, though...!! Back when I was on here a lot, trying to deal with my abusive husband and his treatment of me (which you guys SO VERY MUCH HELPED ME WITH, THANK YOU SO MUCH) I never really thought of, or remembered that when we first got together, I was so angry with the mistake I'd made, and how trapped I felt, how I'd ruined my life by choosing an abusive spouse (he didn't start being abusive until our son was born) I used to take the anger out on myself by beating myself in the head. I'd use my fists, or any hard object that lended itself to the task, I'd hit myself as hard as I could, I wanted to smash my own head in, I hated myself so much for being so. incredibly. stupid! The nice thing about these injuries is that they didn't show. I'd go about with big bruised goose-eggs under my hair. I cut myself once or twice, but mostly I beat myself in the head. Sometimes I'd hit myself in the face, but of course those bruises showed, and I was afraid of inciting his ire (more than I usually did anyway). Now I'm worried I've injured my brain. Some days I feel so lost and confused and I can't keep things straight. I can't remember things. I can't remember words I want to say. I feel like I have Alzheimer's, but I'm "only" 45. My mother is still living, and at 72 she shows no signs of dementia that I notice (though I see her only once a year or less). I tried looking up info on head trauma, but most of what is out there seemed to be about really bad brain trauma, TBI, such as is seen in wars and car accidents. Not self-injury. I haven't done this (SI) in years... about 10! Maybe I just got past the intense shock and anger with myself for ruining my life. I got used to my situation, I guess. Are there any doctor types out there who have any experience with SI head trauma??? Do you think I should see a doctor and get evaluated? Would they laugh me out of their office? I don't have insurance, so I thought I'd look into this before taking the plunge. Jane

I feel like I know how you feel. The only other human I see in any meaningful way is my son. Otherwise I'm completely alone. I live and work alone. I kind of don't even mind that much. I feel very abnormal when I think of how other people live, but when I interact with people at all, I always mess it up somehow. I say or do the wrong thing, and even when I apologize, I don't ever see any forgiveness. I feel like everyone else is perfect and I'm fatally flawed in some way that I don't understand and can never fix. It's very frustrating, but for what it's worth, I think I understand some of what you feel. I wish I had some sage advice for a sure fix... but obviously, I don't!!! Jane

Fascinating, thank you! It makes sense, really!

You don't seem like a psychopath to me, you *do* feel remorse, or you wouldn't be distressed at the thought of being a psychopath. Most of the people on this part of the Personality Disorder Spectrum never spontaneously go to therapy or even think they have a problem!! I think you are very young, scared, and confused. That's okay!! OCD is on the Anxiety Spectrum, not the antisocial spectrum... Anyway. I'm not a therapist or a Mental Health professional of any kind. I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (also on the anxiety spectrum) and I lived with someone whom I believe to have antisocial traits. If you have a diagnosis (your OCD), and you're having difficulty, do try to get back into therapy. If you have someone to talk to about your stress, you won't need to be hurting your pets, or stealing things. I think you have more empathy than you know. Maybe you feel so much you need to pretend to yourself you don't?? I don't know... I wish you good luck! Jane

Hi Mykdiddy and Flipperr! I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is pretty similar to schizotypal. Be sure to check out the Personality Disorder section here, poke around a bit, because the titles don't always tell you what the point of the post is sometimes. ^_~ I'm a professional artist, too... but luckily have been able to present myself and my work online, where I can type my words and not have to interact face-to-face with people. Online I can deal with them on my own terms and I can't lose my train of thought. If I go off on some weird tangent I can delete it and they'll never see it, haha. >_< I think my AvPD comes out of other problems I had and my family had when I was young. Do you guys have any similar ideas about your lives? Personally I think it's the REST of the world that's screwed up, not me, but I suppose that's the essence of a personality disorder, eh? Oh well. I wanted to welcome you both to the forum, however lamely, haha, tell us more about yourselves! :-) Jane

Music I like: Jethro Tull (yay for old hippie music) Anything black gospel (though I'm an atheist, who can not feel the love and joy in this music?) Opera (I'm new to it, but wow!)

Hi notmary! I can't say I have experience yet being in a new situation freed from my shameful past, or however I should call it... but I think about this topic, too. How can I go on to a new life when the time comes to do so... healthfully and successfully? I think of history, and of the world. I think of all the awful things that human beings have done to each other for some reason or none at all, throughout time and across space... and I know that I'd tell any sufferer You Are Not Alone!! Don't believe the silly TV sort of world, where everyone is perfect and smiling, where problems no matter how serious-seeming are solved in a half-hour minus time for advertising. It's easy to see happy-looking well-dressed people and assume all is well and good or "perfect" in their lives. I've seen this and been shocked at what I learned later, and have been through some of it myself. As for myself, I just try to learn all I can about coping strategies, and how to be a good person. At my age I feel I should have had all this info a long time ago, but it just didn't happen that way. I try to say "Oh well, I'll do the best I can with what's been handed to me" and move on. I hope that doesn't sound too trite or simplistic! I'm still working on all this kind of thing. I probably will for many years yet, but I know I'm not the only one at least! Take care and I send you Light. Jane

I think it's difficult to come back together after such a long separation... I say give it some time, things may work out eventually? It's difficult to go out with someone, and be in company with someone when you're not sure of them, or of your situation with them, it makes the social anxiety worse (this is my experience!). I think try being patient for awhile, reassure her, try to reconnect and if it doesn't work, try to re-address the counseling idea. I have had several acquaintances in life who've expressed real fears about seeing therapists. It can be hard for some people, the idea of telling your most intimate thoughts to a stranger. I had one friend who was convinced a therapist would laugh at him! Good luck and let us know what happens!

Hi! I know this is kind of an old thread, but I don't get to spend a lot of time here...! I think I'm just beginning to understand the "Rep" thing...! On the other couple of fora I belong to there's just post count, and privileges or not according to that, but this is the only non-hobby-oriented forum I belong to so I guess it'd have to be set up differently! I feel bad because I've received a lot of rep, but I didn't know what it was or how I got it, and I haven't given any in return!!! My apologies! #^^# I tend to have to 'hit-and-run' with my posts, too... because my eyes get tired quickly and I can't read online for long. Also there have been topics I've read and not felt capable of addressing the situation at all!! But I'm just grateful for the comments I've received in my own threads (which tend to be posted in distress, oops) and will try to visit more often and be more supportive of others. I think abusive members who just "don't get it" should be banned or asked to leave, particularly if they've been PMd with concerns and disregarded them. There's no excuse for that! One forum I belong to has a "Three strikes and you're out" policy, though the moderators are very clique-y and don't give adequate (any) warning that you've done something wrong before striking, it's very much a popularity contest there. I don't believe that's the case here, nor should it be!

Oops I know this is old, but I just wanted to say it's really the OPPOSITE of detachment, it's like you're too overstimulated and freaked out to tolerate more than just physical proximity. Being in the same room can be too much sometimes. Actual touch becomes overwhelming! I have to "detach" and grit my teeth for physical encounters, if you take my meaning. I just pretend to enjoy them. I cannot reach out. I often blame my husband's physical abuse of me early on in our relationship for this, and I think that's part of it, but I have never been an affectionate person. I hated for my parents to touch me, too.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can continue to see a therapist, stay with your church community and make things work. What your father did to you was so awful, and so unfair!! It wasn't your fault but as adults we have to learn to control our behavior. When I was younger I used to break things and hurt myself (hitting myself in the head with blunt objects), I had a lot of anger over my upbringing, too, and lack of family support (emotional or otherwise). It wasn't 'til many years later that I learned that breaking things, punching walls etc is abusive behavior, I thought I was letting my anger out in constructive ways!! But I can imagine how it looked to others. It did help me to learn that I was being abusive. I don't want to be that way, and so I don't break things or hit myself any more. Please keep up with your social supports of all sorts, it's going to get you through this, knowing you have a problem and wanting help are so important! Many people never even get that far!! I hope you'll post again soon and give us an update. Are you fairly young? My anger issues started to mellow in my mid-thirties. Now it's more anxiety, lol, but hey that's an improvement!! Getting tested and having a Personality Disorder diagnosis helped me, because it gave me a framework for understanding myself, and understanding means it's easier to change behavior. Anyway, take care and good luck! Jane

Wow, this sounds great, I'll check it out! I know this place is like a lifeline for me... just a few words of support from anyone mean so much! I feel no one understands me in my real life, and I feel so isolated and disapproved of. I need to do more for people, here... I haven't been on much lately due to work!! Of course in this economy I'm so grateful to have work, but it has kept me away from the couple of online communities I belong to. Heartfelt thanks to the admins and pros here for creating and maintaining these communities!

Well he has a new cute name for me... "Death Shroud" ! This was because I dared to opine negatively on a movie he chose... some horrid animated thing called Spawn that was total orgy of horrific violence and promised to move on to my other 'favorite' movie topic (not!) Prostitutes and cheap sex!!! DDDDDD-X So when he started screaming "PIG" and "DEATH SHROUD" at me, I just got up and left. It rather worked, he later came up and apologized. But it still hurts!!! I wanna take a black sharpie and scrawl DEATH SHROUD on my face. >_< Oh well...

Hi Symora! It's interesting that you mention social class, which I am *very* sensitive to, but he and I are actually both from working class backgrounds with illegitimacy and all kinds of stuff like that, so that's not the issue here. If it were maybe I could handle it better? Or maybe not! XD ___________________________ I'm writing in here today because I'm very upset about something that's just occurred. Remember when I said I was worried about "acting that way out in the world"? Well it's happened!!! D-: I was in line at the post office and some gal went in front of me. I blurted out "What an a$$hole, it was my turn!" I can't believe I said that!!! It turns out that she simply hadn't been paying attention and thought she was next. And even if she had MEANT to skip ahead of me in line, my saying that was totally jerky, low class, and just immature and stupid!!! What's more is I've never been like that! I was always the type who never raised a fuss about anything, even if I'd felt trodden upon. I wish I could have apologized. It's like I was thinking it... but my mouth just blurted out my thoughts without permission. I feel like such a jerk, and am so ashamed of myself! Argh. That's where the habit name calling gets you, so don't start!! Phooey >_< Jane (bad, no-good, horrid person!!!)