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rosequartz

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About rosequartz

  • Birthday 03/13/1956

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  1. The way I have been punishing my self is a long story, but it started off with a girl accusing me of being a lesbian, when we were having a drink in the pub as a group. I assured her I was not but took it too heart and began a worry about it, at the same time I was seeing a psychologist, who when I told her what had happened just challenged me to go and try it out. This was not my intention, I just wanted reassurance from her. I knew I was not a lesbian as I had gone through it in my teens and decided against it, however, the worry exploded. I was with my partner and had just finished having psychological treatment but I was dependent on the treatment and my partner, so once I realised that I needed to change my whole life, I could not cope with it. Instead I decided to hate myself, so that I could be ill again and get back with Keith, who loved me when I was ill, and still claim sickness benefits with him, at first this was hard to do, I also decided to worry about being a lesbian and look for some proof of why she made the comment, soon enough I spiraled into a deep depression. I got pregnant then, and soon after my partner left us for another woman, I was completely lost, and ill. Even though most of it was my own choosing. So I had to continue in punishing myself, after so long I had got so confused, every element of truth was expanded and I believed I was a lesbian and it made me ill, for some of us, that is not what we want. I could not make any friends in case they accused me or thought I was a gay, and I got very mixed up and isolated, I took on an abusive relationship with a bloke for 6 years, but stopped it, as it was hurting me and my daughter, my daughter I did draw the line at. That's where I am today, a therapist told me that I was a dependent person and it just hit home, I was still dependent on my ex-partner, my daughters dad, who left us, until 2 days ago, when I let him go facing that dependency helped me to let go of him, it also helped me to not hate myself which I had done, to get ill and claim benefits, to remain with him. And it all just came to me, through prayer. In 25 years I am now in the light as it were, and I have chosen to not hate myself any more, but I am so very vulnerable and fragile. I attend group therapy and I have to tell everyone in the group what I have done, and I don't know how I can face it. Plus it is a new group so I hardly know anyone.
  2. I have been self punishing myself with a worry/confusion/depression for over 25 years and now I am realising what I have done, which is good in one way. But in another I have been doing this so that I did not have to claim responsibility for life, such as get a job etc. I live in the UK and claim sickness, I am totally ashamed of what I have done, and got so confused that I actually believed my own condemning to be true. I guess I just need a friend here as I have been through hell, and do not know my next move. I still feel unable to face life, as first I think I need to forgive myself for chucking away all my years and being less of a parent to my child, I was a single parent. God help me.
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