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David O

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David O last won the day on December 26 2013

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  1. Mods... can this be stickied?? This is excellent work Luna... nice job:)
  2. Me too... where have you been??? Did I see you as the UK goalie at the world cup, or were you the forward that scored against the US?

  3. I was aware that the job was not a good fit in one major way with two facets. The first facet was that the hourly pay for my position was rock bottom in my opinion for the expertise I bring to my work. When I got the job offer this last February, the wage was at the far lower end of the range I had been told to expect by the administrator. He said that he'd given me last year's salary range and that his budget had been cut for this year. When I asked if that was the best that he could do, he went to his boss to ask and came back with a "yes that's as good as it gets" response. I suspect his boss said "she (me) has been out of work for five months, she'll take what we offer." And I did. I think sometimes we do what what we have to based on where and who we are at that time-- you did what was necessary it seems, no shame in that. In addition, I wasn't even getting 40 hours a week since the census was low so the administrator cut hours. This was a very sore point for me because he did not cut hours proportionally among everyone. For example, my office mate, the medical records clerk was only ever scheduled for 30 hours a week but his hours were never cut, while I was cut as much as 5-7 hours per week. I suspect the administrator got away with this with some people because they had a spouse's income helping them support themselves. By the way, the reason the census was so low is that it is a competitive environment for nursing homes in my city and our facility was in a rough neighborhood. For this reason, among others, it was hard to fill beds. We admitted a lot of homeless drug addicts referred from local shelters for skilled nursing care and rehabilitation. Long story short, I had been looking elsewhere for work for awhile, and actually landed another job a week before I was fired. This new job would be a salaried position in an expanding skilled nursing facility and I was concerned at the number of hours I would have to put in, so I asked for more money. They ended up going with someone they could get cheaper. I asked the second employer not to call my current one at the time, but I do wonder if my last employer somehow figured out I was planning to quit & decided to beat me to the punch as soon as they had an excuse. I wouldn't think so since this would compel them to have to pay you unemployment wages (unless you were terminated for abuse, fraud or something along those lines, then they are less liable)-- which one avoids at all costs when the market is down. The bottom line, it seems, is that this was a bad marriage and both sides seem to have known this very early on. Do you have a second act, a next step anywhere and how are you going about looking for work. Can I suggest What Color is Your Parachute at half.com or Amazon as a good starting point? It helped me after I was fired 12 years ago, and the time before about 18 years ago... none of these were my fault, it was all theirs!:eek:....... justkidding. I was a screwball and screwed up 12 years ago from being in the midst of a painful divorce. Who knows? My job now is to find a job. Catmom
  4. It's early, shouldn't you still be asleep... and by the way, where's the coffee and Danish you promised, or was that Karen??

  5. Danni is so right and I wish I had not glossed over this so quickly--- you should not have to blamed yourself, as she stated, for the painful loss of your cats. Sometimes we all do the best we can with what we have, where we are, and who we are at that moment. I think I would have done it no differently. Un abrazo muy grande, david
  6. There was no "paper trail" at all since this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that two fellow administrative nurses were talking with me one day when I referred to some 3rd entity, under my breath, as "bastards." This ended up turning into a complaint to my boss that I had referred to them as "bastards." :eek: This makes no sense, :confused: because as sexist as it is, the term "bastard" refers only to males in my lexicon. This was not a written up complaint and I talked to the nurses afterwards and we came to an understanding, I thought. I was wondering if there was any inclination in you that it was a bad marriage between you and the organization and if so, what part do you own and what part belongs to the organization? Your response may be very useful as you look at your next job... it's sort of like looking at a break-up or divorce and trying to understand what role you played so you can grow from it and avoid it next time. As you have surmised, David, mine is a "right to work" state and I have little recourse when an employer wants to show me the door. :mad: Actually, the feds have laid forth, I think, approx. 14 defenses (e.g., whistle blower law, ADA and civil rights, etc.) that protect employees from unlawful termination, it might be worth looking into via internet research or talking with a labor lawyer. I would assume that under ADA, you may be protected if the employer knew you had a mental health condition. Something to consider. And, David, you come from a very different cultural background than I and I appreciate your trying to understand my attachment to pets. I actually do understand your attachment to animals... even as a child I couldn't participate in the killing of animals for food. I struggled within myself even at age 4-5 about this, after having been exposed to the killing of a goat once, which is by far the most brutal of all approaches. I have been pained much by watching animals suffer... much like watching humans in pain, especially the most vulnerable in our society-- children, the elderly and the mentally ill. While I've eaten almost every animal known to humans (rat, tarantula, monkey, llama, dog, etc.), it has not been easy as it would seem. Within me lies a certain protective consciousness for life that seems to have always existed. I now live in a city with many ex-farmers, including one of my bridge partners who totally doesn't get loving pets. Her attitude is that if you can't eat it, what good is the animal? This view I don't hold and never have, my people were immensely respectful of all life, but were cognizant that survival depended on eating animals as there was no other source of food in the desert and rainforest food is not always easy to find. I am aware that I am triggered by the helplessness of animals because I am no stranger to feeling helpless. I'm triggered for the same reason and like you, have experienced much helplessness and hopelessness in my life. When I was a child, I was helpless in the face of my alcoholic mother's abuse and I believe that this is why the helplessness of animals triggers such a strong reaction in me. I'm so sorry for this... and I'm also sorry that while everyone teaches us to remember from the day we start school to the day we die, no one teaches us also to forget. There would be so much less pain if we could forget some things, or maybe not attach so much meaning and emotion to them. I seem to always say to myself at this point that one needs to always protect and safeguard their pains and traumas, for they are the very lifeblood of a soul in refinement. I sure hope I find a job soon and I can feel relieved to be away from an employer who gave me the feeling of being emotionally battered. Make it a full time job to job hunt, that's what I did-- 8-10 hours per day doing nothing but sending out resumes, cover letters, networking, cold calling, calling contacts, reading the want-adds, etc., etc., etc. Thanks again-- My hope is that my responses, which you asked me about, did not disappoint you. I wanted so much to be of service and do my best to understand and be there. With much compassion, David Catmom
  7. Hi catmom, I'm so very sorry how this has all turned out... the loss of your cat followed by the nature of the incident where you work. I can easily see myself becoming entirely overwhelmed by these events and at some point making a comment about something in a moment of anger:mad:. Catmom, I was not raised with pets and in fact, all animals were functional when I was growing up. The dogs and cats were responsible for protecting the home from snakes, scorpions, tarantulas, bone ants, mountain lions, etc. They also were trained to herd cattle, goats and sheep, catch fish, capybara and birds, or bring back a monkey shot down from a tree when knocked down by a rock -- essentially, they were a purely working animal, alone. Affection between animal and man was unheard of and not necessarily promoted... but the protection of the animal b/c it was a sacred being was very highly regarded (something the US struggles with), that is, until we went deeper into Latin America where the views were very different from ours (and we won't go there as it would trigger the entire forum), and in Malaysia and China it would have been the same as in deeper Latin America. As I read your thread I realized, coming from a background of having had administrative oversight of three psych hospitals at one time and also having been a CEO for many years, that your being terminated for the alleged behavior would be a violation of most organizational policies (unless you struck a patient), unless, of course, there was a clear paper trail of previous discussions where you had been reprimanded and this was the final stage in the performance review ladder, which meant an automatic termination. This seems the case as no discussion seems to have been held with you to get your side, there did not seem to be any hearings with a hearing officer or with HR-- it just seems rather unusual. Overall, I feel as if I'm missing something here-- either there was a binding paper trail that would not allow you to legally grieve the decision, or this is a right to work state and you have few protections under the law, so terminating you would have been a not so difficult decision. In many states, a wrongful termination can be contested and if the organization terminating the individual made the wrong decision, they can also be held liable for the defendents legal fees, lost pay and other compensations. I guess my question would be, was there a paper trail and if so, what was the nature of it? Catmom, even your name strongly suggests your absolute love of animals, so much so that the hurting of one, even if not yours, would cause you to become extremely upset. I've known many people, especially the elderly, the sickly, those that are homebound and those who live alone and who live for every moment with their pets, which are very much like family (this I understand completely), who suffer greatly when they loose a pet and will need to come in just to talk through their pain and loneliness. I'm so very sorry for this loss. I hear people simply (and insensitively) say: "Well, just get another one, what difference does it make?" And it makes a world of difference as far as I can tell... sort of like saying: Well, you lost your 12 year old son Ben, just adopt another one and it'll be the same!:eek:" Catmom, my hope is that my words do not sound too harsh or callous, especially those having to do with your termination. I've been terminated 3-4 times in my life, and once when I was a CEO (in the midst of my divorce when I was dysfunctional and could no longer lead), so I understand very well the fears, insecurities, loss, demoralizations and angst of being uprooted quickly. Please accept my condolescences for your cat. With deepest compassion, David
  8. Bello men do not get jealous...humph! even if our hair is more platinum than black now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnd by the way, if an Aborigine developed an IQ test, we'd all flunk it!!!!:eek:..............
  9. Actually, Symora, if memory serves me... the INT's generally have the highest IQ's of all traits but tend to not do so well on the Social IQ's--- go figure!
  10. Sorry... I should have clarified. I wasn't suggesting that you were attracted to child porn in my last reply-- it was to the obssessive symptoms only. I'm sorry Terrified, I should have been much more careful in my response. YEEEESSSSSS!!!!!! We all suuport this b/c we are concerned when we see you suffer needlessly. Once you've walked into the office and within a few minutes, you'll have crossed that nervous/anxious/fear threshhold and be on your way. It's like a race and you have all these nervous twitches before the start, but once the gun goes off at the start and you're going around the first curve of the 400 metres, the butterflies leave you and you're on a roll.
  11. Terrifed, To repeat: DUDE... what are ya doing dude??????:eek: I love ya man," but you've returned to the old issue, only, "the names have changed to protect the innocent!:(". Are we having a reaction formation moment? Go back and reread the post... do not pass go... do not collect 200 pesos, dollars, Euros, Lira, Pounds ... do not attempt to adjust the channels on your own... go directly to your time out chair and face the corner for 10 minutes! Concerned, David
  12. Geez Mark... Irmajean is right-- that was really bad! Yo momma must've waved an ice cream popsilce around when you were a kid and called it air conditioning:eek:-- gave you that brain fart of a joke.......
  13. David O

    shame

    Good morning everyone, Speaking from the other side, as a clinician, my first thoughts are that a client who is open, honest and willing to share of their deepest "secrets" is the client I long to work with, no matter the issue--- and I think I've heard just about everything by now, after 35 years in the field. Conversely, a client who withholds, one who can't seem to be open and whose life issue is really in the shadows, is much less appealing b/c you never really know what you have before you or whether the issue is really the issue. In the end, therapeutic alliance and trust are sacrificed and thereby, so is the client's capacity for true healing, which prolongs the pain (very unnecessary) and sends us repeatedly down various paths but not the one that leads home, for it is guarded by the shadows of fear and anxiety, which, after all, are little more than shadows or wisps of air at best. Over time I've discovered that too often, both problems and solutions are contained within the root and/or the branches, as is the case here. For you, in the root is your deepest secret and pain: in the branches are your manufactured fears of being discovered. But I know that all trees and plants have roots, stems, leaves of sorts, bark, branches and foliage that reach up toward the light daily for sustenance. In the end, the magic of of plant (and also human) growth comes from reaching towards the light-- that's truly where the magic is. When you remove the tree from the light, over time it withers and eventually dies or is crippled by the darkness. The longer we hide, the less self assured, self confident, self loving and self responsible we became: The more we reach out, the stronger and more able we are to face the world. Suggesting that "this is who I am" is a rationalization based on the pure fear of stepping out... one you have sold to yourself for so long it has become like a barnacle attached to your inner psyche. So in the final analysis--- which choice needs to be made here? Not Mary, I'm sorry if I sound brusque and pushy, but it is compassion and a true empathy that sometimes compels us to speak forcefully. My suggestion is to decide to be just slightly open about the concern you're hiding from, see the therapist's reaction (it should be an inner delight) and if it looks like she is open for more, then slowly and cautiously proceed, one small step at a time. You will likely be very surprised. Keep in mind that this unfolding may take weeks (although for some it is an opening of the flood gates)... but is is an unfolding that seems necessary for healing. For the record, I've never rejected a client who was open and honest--- irrespective of the issue or their deepest fears: but I have turned clients (as many therapists should) away who hid excessively since I knew we could not work together for an extended period. Good luck and I hope this helps, David
  14. Terri, Good for you!!! A positive move for the moment and it does bring about good feelings. I do want to caution you (and I feel terrible for spitting in your soup here), however, that this can lead, over time, to a "reaction formation." This a fairly complicated situation in which a character trait or attitude creates a polar opposite behavior as a defense against the initial feelings. For example, being extremely generous can be used to hide greed and hoarding, or modesty can be used to hide megelomania, or giving things away can hide the desire to steal and take from others. Sometimes excessive kindness can hide a sadistic and callous character trait. The mind can play games we are unaware of--- isn't repression wonderful? Reaction-formation can be seen as a psychic conflict and a defense against instinctive reactions. In your case, it could (not necessarily does) look like this: you are aroused by child pornography and so you use reaction formation by taking on an attitude of criticism toward seeing it on the web, so you begin reporting sites. At first this seems like an excellent solution, but soon, you begin to hunt for sites daily, then hourly. You eventually begin attending conferences and rallies against it and start traveling to become an advocate against it. While this looks very good on the outside and there seems to be a powerful and positive cause, in reality, it may hide a continued desire and curiosity. I raise this not so much to discourage your efforts so much as to encourage you to look within yourself so that you don't trade one obsession for another because the deeply rooted arousal to an unacceptable behavior (watching child porn) still presents itself, but now in a different form. And underlying the implementation of this new tactic (defense) may only serve to direct your obsessions to another side of the same issue. In this scenario, it is usually assumed that the original, rejected impulse does not vanish, but persists, unconscious, in its original infantile form, and has gone underground for the time being. In the end, Terrified, the struggle may only take a different form. May I suggest you take that very bright mind of yours and post in other threads. Read carefully what others struggle with and share your wisdom. This may give you some perspective and may also cause you to deviate some in your one-dimensional drive. One quick question--- have you set up an appointment to see a professional? If so when and will you keep it? If you've answered this already, my apologies for being repetitive. Later Dude, David
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