nathan

Hello people. It has been awhile since I posted, and I feel I must vent here. It is better to post here, as opposed to an open discussion in real life, for doing so in real life would only put me in precarious,losing position. Because I am a man. I feel there are powers at be, whose sole purpose is to devise ways in which to divide us, to distract us from what is important, to push us out of their way, and ultimately take advantage of us. This gives them power, and money. I don't pretend to be unbiased in my views of feminism, or to know what it is like to walk this world as women. But I do know this: if you are creating more conflict than you are amending, its is time to step back and re-evaluate your position. I strongly believe that, you cannot fight the system, by being in the system. You cannot fight misogyny by being a misandrist. I think that it is hypocritical to complain about 'mansplaining', and that one does not fight sexism, by created a sexist word. These things only work to fuel more hate and divide us in ways we've never been divided before, which is exactly where they want us. Worse, it is yet another distraction, from the true cause. Although I have tried to ignore it, being constantly in my face, I have acquired a lot of angst against the so called 'feminists', but I am afraid of letting any of it out, even here, for I will risk being automatically outed in a slur of emotionally-driven words for being a man. I am not sure that I deserve this feeling. There must be others feeling it too. I feel it building inside me. everyday.

tru

I think maybe the point of depression is---it's the minds way of telling you to stop doing what you are doing. The point of depression is to give up. Give it all up, becuase you cant handle what it is you are doing. It is bad for you, so just stop. Give up what you are doing if you are depressed. Realize your heplessness in the situation that is making you depressed, And give up trying. Just see what happens. Time to breath. Time to try something new.

I gave her everything. My entire soul, she saw it all. I gave her a glimps into the future. I gave her my life. She left without knowing, she fell into another country, she was being forced, she saw so many things too fast., and forgot about me. She's too young to know what shes doing, just like myself only a few years ago. shes so talented a beautiful, everyone wants to be around her. I let her go for a minute, and a stranger stole her. She wants to come back but she doesnt know how to. She's too scared to believe in herself. She being held captive, and wont even realise it until its too late. There is almost nothing I can do

It sucks working hard only to get laughed at and ignored.Getting dismissed by others who havn't even spent the time to make an attempt, but somehow believe they know better. They take the easy route and the high road at the same time. They get all the respect and attention. When no one understands how you think, willingly giving up your power, to provoke them secretly. It sucks when you realize that you are completely alone.That every step of the way, you will be belittled and misunderstood. That they will not care to help or listen, until you have taken the most lonely path to success. In a hostile environment, surrounded by aliens, clowns and whores. In a purposely constructed playgound, the whores are put on a pedestal and believe they are finally free. They consume everthing they can, like the true blood sucking vampires they are. Sexually enticing you to look at them, then biting into your soul for believing them. Surrounded by clowns who think they are savvy, by making diseased money to unnaturally chase after whores who kill their souls. With the clowns and whores distracted, the aliens are laughing, the matrix has made them rich. Using one of the most effective strategies, they made war with humanity; by dividing us apart and making us hate eachother. We have forgotten who we are. We buy into all of their addictive drugs in a false attempt to escape it. But some of us are working on remembering who we really are. Our true souls. We are taking back our power, step by step. We are relearning what was once obvious and natural. We are breaking our addictions. We are going to get rid the aliens and fix the world.

been sleeping better lately. I m thinking a feeling a little better.

To Nathan, I used to think like you...I still do sometimes. But the first thing I move onto thinking is that I WILL die, and I will never live again, so I might aswell live now, since Im inevitably dead, the only thing i can do to compromise the gloomy, ultimate reality of death, is to live, even if only for a short time. If we are never going to be here again, doesn't that make you at the very least want to follow this through to its end, even if you are depressed about it? Becuase youll never get the chance to do it again. after the might aswell do it approach, if i think about what reality is, I realize I really dont know what it is-and nobody really does. I look down at my hands, and I know logically that I can look at these hands because of something that the materials of the universe did, of which I had no control of. I have been perpetuated by biology's genetics, which itself was made from stuff that came from massive exploding stars, and were somehow paired and orderd in complex systems that ultimately resulted in a pair of eyes which could look at these hands. This whole process came about without having to feel or think about it, and I could kill myself now, but I am not going to END what the universe started.

Feel sick with depression everyday, the world is intolerable, there's no place for me in it. Ppl find out who I am and chew me up, full of anger and resentment. Nothing is enjoyable. Everything feels sick, no one is around.

Feel sick with depression everyday, the world is intolerable, there's no place for me in it. Ppl find out who I am and chew me up, full of anger and resentment. Nothing is enjoyable. Everything feels sick, no one is around.

that's exactly it

Its just that...none of it feels right. My life doesnt make sense. how could things line up so poorly. Many occasions have passed where I watched--as if I was helpess to change anything-- as things went wrong, they didnt go as they were supposed to go, its as if I knew intuitively that deep down somewhere they should have been different. I could swear they were different somewhere else. Almost like I had already lived it the way it was supposed to be lived. But I'm always looking in at my life from the outside..as if it was a virtually reality, as if I am watching through a television, and I cant change anything, as I watch passively, or as if under someone else's control, I dont react, Or I react according to someone elses influence. Ive had that eary feeling chasing my entire life, as long as I can remember, following me along. I dont know who, are what it is, but being under someone elses control, or watching my life as if it was a television show has destroyed me, it took away all of my chances, all of my opportunities have been wasted. It has instilled fear and hate and depression in me. I resent my life. I havnt done anything, I was never here. Maybe I am just negating my own existence and influence in my life as a defence mechanism to explain my failures and protect my true character. My true character is maybe nothing, with nothing to offer, nothing to do, no mission, no ideas, no power, no ability to be anything other than nothing, aside from the great ability to be completely discontent with my circumstances.

I was invited to my brothers, who i Havn't seen for years. He's been successful in a number of ways, his friends which were there form a trio, they all went to university in arts and television, now the're working with big companies in hollywood, creating films, and, making music. I went to try an see what it was all about, they were having a family party, brothers, sisters, parents, music, a plethora of food, beautiful girls, it was nice. I envied all of them. their families are happy, and swelled up in their kids success. And you can see that they are successful, full of life, joking around, intelligent, confident, like they never did anything wrong in their lives. Watching them parade around was like listening to the best part of a song. I can try to descibe it as the part of a song that seems to bring out a feeling of an entirely, honest joy, that puts all of your hangups and anxieties about the world to shame--it so good and beautiful, that it makes you almost automaticaly differentiate yourself as something hideous and ugly in comparison to it. I began to feel ashamed of myself, seeing how i didnt belong there, I had nothing to contribute, nothing to say about anything to anyone, I couldnt joke around becuase I am underdeveloped, I would take jokes to far, accidently begin to cus infront of them. Or worse, to hide myself, I might mumble my uninteresting words. I didnt know anything about the music they were talking about nor anything about the popular culture they brought up. The last couple of years, time has been spent depressed, learning about math and physics, working for the army and seeing my gf whos now dumped me, or otherwise being alone and not sleeping. I am basically unsuccessful, or not outstanding in anyway in any of my current preocupations, and have made essentially nothing of myself. I dont know if it was just the percocets I was on, which my doc gave me for a slightly broken but very painful wrist, but one of my brothers friends, one from the trio, appeared be calling me out, almost making explicit how depressed I looked, and how I was bringing everyone else down. I really didnt know how to react to this, the reaction of my unadvantaged container was to produce intense anger and I began seeing blood. Having to withold all this anger, I began to attempt to defend myself, trying to explain that I was feeling a little tired and I just came out to see how they were doing. for the rest of the time I remained thinking about how someone, within an hour and a half of knowing me, goes about labeling me a depressed bastered infecting everyone around me. Perhaps i missconstrude the whole incident, and it was a mere joke on me, not to be taken seriously. Eitherway I was set in place, I did not recover, I merely tried not to show anger.

Im trying to relax, my head last night was full of panic, was awake for the last ttwo nights in a row I drank hard, totally sloshed all night, and during the day I continued, for two days, but last night I stopped, i slept for 7 hours for this first time in awhile. Feeling better now I suppose i wont become a hermit, they're not going to like it, but Im leaving my job for good. And I have some things to finish here, then I will leave on to something new, somewhere else.. I suppose I will start all over.

another sleepless night I will try to get sleeping pills from my doc My gf of almost 2 years is breaking up with me, she wants more 'experience' with other guys. Fuck my life, great fucking timing. this is really to play havoc on whatever sleep I was getting. Like I want to imagine her sleeping with other men... the thought is so intrusive I wont say anymore about it truely I am too tired and hating the world to do anything about it anyway I will soon be quiting my job Simply tell them I am done And I will finish up with my business in this city and go somewhere to be alone for a long time

I'm trying meditation. I'm hopeless, I cannot sleep , wish I could pick up and leave my entire life, that would pribably allow me to sleep again. But I am stuck in this life for now.