goose

Hi Mark I'm only seeing this now. So sorry to hear about your Dad. Be good to yourself and take care. Goose

Hi I too am quite attached/dependant on my therapist, for that reason I try not to see him too often. He allows me to choose when I see him, I manage now to stretch appointments to every couple of months or so. I agree with others about talking to yourself, I could never do this out loud though . This has been quite an unconscious thing with me. When I have a dilemma I find myself thinking "what would John (my therapist) say"? if I had presented this problem to him. More often than not I am able to answer myself as if I had been in the session. If I still cannot work it out or if my anxieties get too out of control, I then seek an appointment, but I would still wait the 2 months as sometimes the anxieties can fade with time.

IrmaJean I saw my therapist yesterday. I always benefit from my visit. We did some mindful meditation which I found very relaxing and hope to practice this every day. This does soothe me especially when my anxiety is at a high level. I think I need to think about and talk about my Dad more, blanking it out is not helping. I will meet with one of my sisters at the weekend and we will chat about him. Thank you for listening.

Mark you are right I was so afraid of acknowledging his death that I totally blanked it out. It has now hit me like a ton of bricks - I went to his house with my siblings to sort some stuff and when I saw his empty bed I got very distressed. My mood has got quite low - the worst part is total lack of interest in anything. I can put up with the sleep disturbance and lack of appetite and the tearfulness. I also am quite irritable all the time - even the poor dogs annoy me. This is a totally different reaction to my mothers death, I grieved hard for her but there was no drop in mood. I am working hard at not giving in. I am going out and about, socialising, even though I'm not enjoying anything right now - I'm just hoping it will pass in time. I am so grateful to have this forum to come to.

Thank you for your replies. We were anticipating my Dads death Ian, so it makes perfect sense what you say about grieving while he was in decline. Also I am afraid that I am supressing my emotions. You know IrmaJean you have said what my therapist said is very important, ie acceptance. I feel guilty about not grieving hard for my Dad, I expected to be absolutly devestated, so I am confused. Goose

I have spoken here in the past about my Dad and his illness. He died 6 weeks ago and I have not reacted. I know when my mother died I grieved hard and felt it took its natural course. My Dad was so precious to me, it just feels so different this time, like I am in denial. I do know when I start to think about his death I easily can block it out. I have not been to his house since, nor have I been to the grave since the funeral. Is it natural not to grieve sometimes? Goose

If you don't mind I find writing down what troubles me a relief and it helps me from having the thoughts swimming in my mind. I was diagnosed in the past with APD and a major aspect of this is fear of rejection. I tend not to put myself into situations where I will be rejected or percieve that there is a possibity (real or otherwise) of rejection. If I do feel rejected I tend to want to hide away from the world, and would love to do this at times only for the fact that I have responsibilities i.e. children and mortgage etc. I have written in another post about my Dad's illness, he had a stroke 3 years ago and eventually made a remarkable recovery. He is very ill again and I am overwhelmed by it. I want to spend time with him but any time I get put off visiting him I feel very rejected and then am reluctant to try to visit as the fear of rejection overwhelms me. It dosn't help that my brother (his carer) makes it difficult for me to visit. 2 of my siblings don't visit because of problems with my brother also. Although it would be the rejection by my Dad that would be devestating. I have spent a lot of time with my Dad over the years, I was just thinking this morning maybe those memories are enough for me. Or are the thoughts of my Dads mortality too much for me?

Hi Sue I hope you are doing well.

Thank you for your kind words IrmaJean. Certainly I like to be outdoors, even on a wild and windy day like today. I would like to take up a craft of some sort, I just need to overcome the motivation issues. You know it is suggestions like this that I need at the moment because it helps me to focus, thanks. Mark, you make me smile . The very thought of me screaming made me chuckle - I could become the "mouse that roared". However I think your suggestion of expressing my anger externally is an excellent idea - it diminishes its power over me.

Thank you for your replies. Lana thankfully I have not reached the 'numb' stage yet. That is what I am trying to prevent. Ken I think I look at a set of symptoms and conclude that I am depressed - such as tearfulness disturbed sleep etc. Whereas it is quite ok to have theses reactions to a stressful ongoing situation, but it scares me and then the negative thinking starts which it think is what Mark is talking about. Mark I believe I am capable of thinking myself into a depression. Rumination can be my biggest downfall. A lot of negative self critical thoughts. I only see my counsellor occasionally but he has recommended some self-soothing thoughts and trying to limit the amount of time I spend thinking about worrying issues. It is helpful and a relief to be here again. Goose

Hi all I havn't been here in a long while, I hope life is treating you good. I am very sad and the moment and I have difficulty seperating those feeling from those of depression. I have legitimate reasons to be sad, but the feelings are so like those of depression that I am afraid of these feelings and fear that they will bring me into a full depression. I am so scared of depression hitting me again, it is my constant fear. Goose

It's coming up to a year in January since my seperation. i am so happy with my decision, a lot of tension has gone from the house. My eldest son has calmed down considerably. He has not been in trouble for over 8 months now. My ex has asked to come over for Christmas Dinner - not a good idea, but, as he will be on his own I have said yes. I think this will be the shortest Christmas Dinner in history!

Hey! Mark and Sue. Lovely to hear from you both. Isn't it great that old friends are always there, no matter how long youv'e been away. I read your blog Mark, seems things are moving on for you now - best of luck with the move. Sue how are you keeping? I hope life is treating you well. Take care Goose

I've have a few short glimpses of contentment, enough to let me know that the seperation from my husband was the right thing to do. It is bloody hard though becoming single after 20 years as a couple, a disfunctional one at that. Despite declaring his undying love to me and begging me not to end the marriage my ex-husband is very actively seeking out another partner. To be in the company of my daughter is as always a tonic, we have so may laughs. She is off travelling for the month of June . No.1 son has calmed considerably since his dad left. Ro, well he wanted the fairytale of a happy united family, but he wants to live with me, so that is good. I feel that I am going through a process (the seperation) and have to experience all that goes with it - I know I'm not the first or won't be the last, but as I already said, It's bloody hard! Goose