marijack

Hi Renewable Cloud Thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings with us. As Jeep said, this will stay with you for a while still. I've been out of therapy for 1 year and 2 months. I still think about my therapist and wonder how she is doing. It is not an easy thing this but we are here for you. Perhaps what is happening with your husband is that he doesn't quite understand the full story. I believe what happens in therapy is very difficult for outside people to understand. We cannot explain to someone who is not in that therapy room with us what actually goes on inside, what we feel, what we talk about, etc. People cannot understand it and almost always make theuir own assumptions. Perhaps your husband is going through some feelings of his own that he cannot express to you correctly and it ends up making you defensive. But it may be other things. I'm sorry to talk about myself but I wanted to find out what your guys' opinions are about something. My therapist has been travelling since she left last year and we have spoken a few times over email in that year. Very short and sweet emails but I did have communication with her and kept in contact. What do the ethics say if the therapist no longer practices and has left the industry? So if she is no longer a psychologist? To me, it would be ok to contact her when I'm on her side of the country and ask to pop in and say hi, especially if she's no longer bound by therapy ethics. Thanks again guys and keep talking to us Renewable Cloud.

Thanks DRK. I have spoken to her about it. I've even told her that I find this other woman attractive. It's almost like we're best friends and she is not even worried that I would consider this other lady. She just said to me that as long as I tell her what's going on. I don't know if that's because she trusts me completely or that she is really not too worried. She said as long as I stay in her life, she's ok. I've decided that I'm going to have to talk to her asap because if she just wants me as her companion then I can't just hang around without having a real partner. I believe she loves me as her companion but not as her lover. In which case it would be a bad thing if we stayed together as partners. I love her completely but she has now pushed me to the point where I don't know how to connect on another level with her. The other lady has brought out a new life in me that I felt was dead for such a long time. How does one resist that? I am struggling to see how. Thanks again.

Hi all I was just looking for some advice. I am a gay woman who's been in a solid relationship for 9 years. I adore my partner and everything we stand for. Recently, though, I've started fitness classes and become friends with one of the ladies in the group who is also gay. My partner and I have been going through a loss of sex drive during the past 3 years or so. The new lady is very attractive and there is a huge amount of energy between us. I would never do anything behind my partners back so I don't have any intention of doing anything at all with the other lady. I get along with the other lady really well and we would like to be friends so we can have someone to chat to as I lost my best friend some years back and she doesn't have anyone to talk to about being gay, etc. The problem is that I really want to be friends with her but the attraction is sometimes a lot to bear. I can't walk away because I enjoy the classes too much. Does anyone know if there is anything I can do to simmer down the sex appeal so that we can focus on being friends and getting to know each other? Thanks for any feedback.

An update so far. I eventually decided to visit another therapist. It was the one recommended to me by my ex-therapist. So I went and saw her for one appointment, and what a difference. The only thing I had realised by the time that hour was up was how uncomfortable I felt and how I really struggled to like this one. I made some comparisons and found a few differences that meant a lot to me. My ex-therapist never had a piece of paper or pen in her hand during the session. She talked to me, looked at me when I spoke and tried to pick up on every little thing I was doing with my body to pick up any signs of how I was feeling. This one sat the whole time writing away on her single pages. At times I would actually stop talking again to see if she was listening to me, and it took her about 5 seconds to realise I'd stopped talking and she would then look up and say to me "how did you feel when that happened". I wanted to throw something at her. Also, she was late for our appointment. It was a different experience, one that I don't think I'll be repeating soon. Oh well, so continues the self-journey.

So I thought I would post an update of how it's been going during the past months. Perhaps some of you feel or felt the same. It's like an elevator / lift. Sometimes I'm at the top floor where I'm almost sure I will be ok, and then someone presses the button in the lobby and before I know it, I'm coming down to earth again. Lately I've been thinking about her, just wondering how she's doing. I think it's crazy that one person has so much power over other people. How can a person that was met only a short time ago have such a profound impact on other people. I understand this concept with someone you've known your whole life or for many years, but with someone that, in the grand scope of things, hasn't been around that long, I don't understand. Perhaps that says a lot about me as a person. It's strange, though, because I'm not angry, I just miss talking to her SO much. I have spoken to her on email a few times since last year August. In every email, I ask her to tell me if I am no longer allowed to email her, because I understand that it might just be that she felt bad for leaving and gave me the window for emailing her, but will at some point decide enough is enough. But on the other hand, I think she might genuinely be interested in what I'm learning and how it's going with me. She did say in one of her emails that she's always happy to hear from me and about my journey. I don't think, as a therapist, she would say something like that without realising the effect that words like that would have on me. Anyway, It has been interesting the last few months. Hard sometimes. It almost makes me never want to go to therapy again because this letting go business is so incredibly difficult. Sometimes it really feels like I've lost a close friend, which I know is not the case, but it still feels like that. And it's seriously painful. You know what the other difficult part of this is, is that I feel like I've lost someone important and I have NO idea how she felt when we said goodbye. So at the end of the day, I sit and think that I feel this painful ending and, for all I know, she's rolling her eyes every time she gets an email from me. I guess I'll never know. Thanks for listening guys.

Hi all This isn't a serious problem, but it's bothersome anyway. It seems that I have a problem with taking orders. At work, when my boss asks me nicely to do something, I seem to feel this raging attitude inside me that sometimes shows on my face. It happens anytime someone asks me to do something that I'm expected to do. It drives me absolutely crazy and I feel like telling them that someone else can do it. I don't like this attitude because I'm well aware that it is my job to do these things and I get paid for it. It alomost feels like I'll do the things but in my own sweet time, and if they have to ask me twice to do it, I get really annoyed. I'm not sure what this stems from or came from. I have no leads to look into. If anyone has any ideas that I could research, I would appreciate it. Thanks everyone.

Hi everyone My issue is not a serious one, but it's bothering me enough that I need to ask advice and opinions. I am 31 and Portuguese and living at home with my parents. I also work with them. Yes, a traditional European thing to do, I know. The problem is this: I've been working for my parents for almost 5 years now. For the past few months, they have been working on my nerves so much that I end up snapping at them for every little thing they say or do. I get really irritated and annoyed at them and I end up feeling like a horrible person for treating them like that when they have given me so much. For the record, because they have always given me so much, I always feel indebted to them and this gives me no sense of self-being. I feel like I am living my life only to make them happy and proud of me. I am in a long-term relationship and my partner has gotten over the fact that everything basically revolves around what my parents would think. Is it just me or am I becoming resentful of them for making me depend on them so much? Can anyone really make you that dependant on them? I don't know if I should move out or find another job but at the moment, the financial situation is not that grand so this would seriously put a huge strain on me. I almost feel like they are controlling everything I do subconsiously and I'm tired of it. The only, very real, problem is that I have no idea how to break away and start living my own life. I am also scared that, at the age of 31, I now have to go on the journey I should have gone on in my late teens. That of discovering who I am. Any feedback and opinions would be appreciated. Thanks

Hi IrmaJean Thanks for your reply. I have tried so many times to not let anything he says affect me, basically trying to put up a boundary. But it's like a fire stirs inside and eventually I blow up. I can't stand blowing up because then I get angry at myself for letting it get to me and, quite honestly, I don't see why I should even be pushed to that point by a friend. I can understand that siblings try to irritate each other sometimes, especially when they're young, but I don't expect it from a good friend. But, I have decided what I need to do. I'm going to have to sit down and talk to him. Tell him that I don't see why he feels the need to try and upset me so much and that if he feels he cannot stop, then I'll have to start keeping my distance from him because I don't like the person I am when I'm around him when he tries these things. I'll also tell him that if he doesn't know why he does it or how to stop, I will help him but I cannot continue being his best friend if he continues with these antics. Anyway, thanks again.

Hi Spitfire Thanks so much for your reply. Basic history here. We are both gay, me being a woman and he, a man. He has been my best friend for a long time. I'm thinking it's not the alpha male syndrome . But I do believe he is incredibly jealous of the things we do and the places we go. I believe he is so jealous that he will stop at nothing to bring me down and when I do go down he relishes it. It's a very sad state to be in and I feel so sorry for him. But I cannot keep allowing this to happen as it's now affecting my work and my studies. He hasn't been in a relationship for many many years and is totally afraid of commitment. I believe he has some type of mental disorder as he is a compulsive liar and over-exaggerates everything he talks about to the point that I can't believe anything he says anymore. This causes a lot of tension in my relationship with him and I'm not sure what to do as I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings. But I definitely think jealousy plays a major part in this. Thanks again!

Hi all I have a situation with a close friend of mine and although I know how to approach it, I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. My friend and I have been close friends for about 9 years now. I have an anxiety and depression problem and anger management too. When we are together, he seems to make it his goal to try and annoy me as much as possible by saying things that he know will rile me up. I, unfortunately, struggle incredibly hard to keep my cool and, innevitably, end up telling him to take a hike. His aims to annoy me are malicious and extremely unpleasant. After I've lost my temper, I retract into silence and don't talk for a while, mostly because I'm angry at myself for letting him win. Then I get the "oh, you're in a bad mood now" comment from him, which, of course, irrates me even more. I don't know what to do. He is a close friend and I don't want to lose the friendship, but I am at the point where I feel like telling him that if he doesn't stop this, I can no longer be his friend. He is a very lonely person and literally has only 2 friends, myself and my partner. I feel like I cannot drop him and leave him alone, because he has no one else. Not even his sister wants to spend time with him. I am at my wits end. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks guys.

I've made a bit of progress on this issue. I thought perhaps it will help others on here too. I've managed to understand why I am so upset about my therapist leaving. I think we sometimes forget that anger is there to tell us that we are not happy about something important. For instance, I've been angry at my therapist recently for terminating. And today I realised that I am angry at her because I wasn't finished saying everything I needed to say. How dare she tell me that I can no longer talk to her (i.e: termination) when I'm not finished talking yet? So I realised this and it makes sense. I'm angry at her because I don't like the feeling of having to hold everything in that I wanted to say to her, for the rest of my life. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but although it helps to have people to talk to and a wonderful support network like this website, the person we really want to talk to, we can't talk to. I feel so grateful to all of you on here that have offered advice and opinions and you have truly helped me in getting to know myself better, because now I know why I am so upset about her leaving. I have so many things I still want to say to her and talk to her about and I can't. And that's what's killing me. Going to another therapist will help, but it's not her and she's the one I want to talk to. This sounds almost obsessive and perhaps it is, but that's the truth. Now that I know this, I have no idea what to do with it. At the moment I'm angry that she left without giving me the opportunity to tell her everything I wanted to tell her, but at the same time, that is near impossible. We had limited time and we did the best we could in that time. I think the issue of transference needs to be dealt with later on. It's almost like a puzzle that needs to be put together. First, we need to let ourselves feel whatever we're feeling. Then we need to give the feelings names, such as anger. Then we need to figure out why we're feeling anger. Then we can start looking at things like transference and what it relates to in the past. Because if you start with transference right away, you might get confused and caught up in the roller-coaster of emotions and not know which way to turn. That's how I felt. Not sure if anyone else felt like that? Would love any feedback. Thanks again guys.

Hi goose. You are very fortunate to have that flexibility with your therapist. That would work wonders for me right now. I also find myself asking what my therapist would say, but it's more a case of wishing I could talk to her. For example, last night was a bad one for me. I was told something that I apparently said wrong, even though it was not intended to come out wrong and I didn't even realise what I had said until it was pointed out to me. I became depressed and even got to the point of holding a knife in my hand. My intention with the knife was not to hurt myself but just to remind myself that there is a way to end all of the hurt. But the only thing that pulled me out was wondering to myself what my therapist would say if I would have had a regular session the next day. What would I tell her? Would I tell her what happened and how I was feeling and what led to the suicidal thoughts? She probably would have asked why I didn't phone someone at that time, even her. So it definitely helps to think about what she would say in those situations. Thanks for your post.

IJ, I am seriously considering going back to therapy with another therapist and when I do, I will definitely bring up this connection problem with her. Believe when I say I know with almost all certainty that therapists are also affected by terminations. I've been researching a lot about therapy and everyone says the same thing. When therapy is terminated, the relationship also needs to terminate. I do understand all of that. It's just that, to me, it seems as if this is a concept that has been brought forward through time from Freud's era. So what I'm saying is that perhaps it needs to be revisited to see if "termination"in the old sense of the word can perhaps get a bit of a face-lift due to times being different now-a-days. In the old days of psychotherapy, the chances of a client ever talking to or seeing their ex-therapist again were slim. These days, we can still connect with them using a variety of media. And I truly believe that therapists would also like to maintain contact with some of their clients. But I also understand that is a very thin line. But I don't believe it would take much more effort than the effort that therapists are putting in now to uphold termination boundaries. That being said, things have changed a little for me. Since my last post, I have gone to being angry with my therapist to the beginning of acceptance. I think I was angry with her because I emailed her and received no reply. My first thoughts were that if she was not going to reply to my emails then why tell me that I can still email her? It made me angry, but now I am ok. I've accepted that she may not have access to her emails (she did tell me at the last session that I musn't think she is being rude if she doesn't reply to my emails because she is abroad and has limited access to them). So I'm slowly moving to accept that the therapy with her is over now and I think that's a good place to be. I still get sad sometimes when I think about how much I would like to talk to her, but it subsides a bit quicker now. Thanks again IJ

That's what I am afraid of too. I'm afraid that I will disregard it as not meaning anything. I don't know if I'll ever be able to say it's over. I'm like a pitbull, I grab on and don't ever let go. I might forget but it just takes one thing to remind me and I'm latched on again. So I've tried the blog now. It's actually nice to know that I am not just writing in my journal where no one will ever see what I'm feeling. I'm putting it out there. I'm even considering emailing my old therapist (she gave me permission to do so) and telling her that if I ever flitter into her thinking and she wonders how I'm doing, she can come on here and have a read. I don't know if that's a good idea but right now it feels like a good idea. Lala3, I know I say thank you a lot and it's because I am just happy to have found this place where I can come and chat to you guys. It's so helpful and takes a lot of pressure off my immediate relationships. I'm so happy that you are finding new information and discovering new ways of looking at things through this topic. That makes it worthwhile. I think that we can learn a lot from other people through their life experiences and right now, everyone that has commented on this topic has gone or is going through exactly the same thing, or knows enough about what it feels like. The stages of grief are interesting and you're absolutely right that they are not set in stone. I know Kubler Ross wrote a book about it too and I think that will be helpful for me, perhaps for you too? I just want to know why we struggle to let go of the relation with the therapist. I don't know about all therapists but I'm pretty sure they don't go through what we as clients go through. I imagine they go through it some way when they have their own sessions while doing their degrees, but when they become therapists, things change for them. They see what it's like to be on the receiving end of attachment from a therapists point of view and in that way, are better able to understand their emotions. But clients have no degree and for us it's gut-wrenching to lose this relationship. I would just really like to understand why we feel this as clients. I mean, we go to therapy for a reason right. Most of the time, we end up finding something out about ourselves that we didn't even know was remotely connected to why we went in the first place. For example, I went to sort out my anxiety attacks and depression. At the end of the therapy, I was on a full-blown self-discovery course. I came to know that I have a problem with endings, of any kind. I have severe depression if I can't talk to someone about how I'm feeling and heaven help me if I find some alcohol to drink when I'm in that state and alone. So I'm getting to learn about myself and have also realised that I have attachment issues, clearly. Now I have to try and figure out why I have attachment issues and why, of all people, I got attached to the relationship with my therapist. What does it mean? Who am I transferring in that relationship? So we go through all these masses of emotions and I just can't believe that therapists go through the same thing. I think they might feel sad because it was a stimulating relationship; maybe they miss certain clients they had. That's why this ethics rule about terminating completely might be slightly outdated. These days we have so many media forms that allow us to keep in touch one way or another and it's draining on us as clients to know that we can get hold of them.....but we're not allowed to. I just don't understand the concept completely. This is just hard. Like today, Wednesday, I would normally go for a session and he last 2 days have been emotionally draining on me with an episode of depression threatening to show itself if I don't talk to someone. And all I can think about is, if only I could talk to my old therapist. That's all I can think about. She would know how to set me on the right path again or we would at least try to understand why I'm feeling like this. I don't know. Thanks again

IrmaJean, I'm not sure what the anger symbolises and I can't remember a time where I ever felt the same feeling. But there are massive junks of my memory missing around while I was growing up, so there might very well have been a time when this happened, I just can't remember it. It's just a rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. Anger is definitely one of them, but then the next day I am just happy to have met her and I'm quite ok to get on with my life, then the next day I miss talking to her terribly. LaLa3, I'm going to try the "silent" talking in my head and see how that goes . Anger is definitely one of the stages. You know the stage I am most afraid of at the moment? The acceptance stage. I'm afraid that once I get there, if I get there, I will feel nothing for the time we shared together. But then again, that would be a defence mechanism working to make sure I don't hurt anymore. This is so complicated malign, I have also realised that my longhand writing is frustrating for me because it takes so long to write! But typing is another story. I can type as fast as I think and that is perfect! I'm not so sure about a blog as I don't know how they work, but I am definitely going to look into that. Thanks again guys. . Really helps a lot.