Cloud9

Hi Sweetmom2, If you have a problem that disrupts your life, there's no reason to avoid getting help. If you are ADD the therapist can help you learn new ways of managing every day tasks. I went to a psychiatrist for about 3 months and came out able to start and finish tasks, something I had been unable to do for most of my life! In little things like doing the laundry, cleaning, working... I have seen major changes (like actually doing them). It's worth every bit of effort you put in.

I lost my iPhone, my brain actually, and I'm obsessing: I never make calls, I don't really have anything to say. But what if I get attacked on the street... it could happen! I count on it to chirp every 2 hours at work. That's how I remember to check my focus. You know, if I'm spending too much time on some forum or making a blog, it reminds me to get back to work. How am I going to manage my class schedule without my i-calendar reminders? I withdrew last semester when I couldn't cope with not having my laptop anymore, I don't compensate for changes very well. I'm a little worried that my niece may have stolen it... I don't want to think she would but I can't find it anywhere. I don't usually move my brain from it's designated spot. My husband keeps trying to offer his brain to me but I don't want to take it away from him. He listens to music at work. Who knows what medication I've remembered, missed or doubled because I don't have it here to boss me around. I'm definitely feeling the pain of my crazy.

Hey KatieDid, I literally live by the iPhone calendar + a task list app. Not only have I scheduled reminders for things that need to be done, but I have a generic reminder that sounds at 9, 11, 1 and 3 weekdays at work. When those go off, I know that it's time to check focus and see if it's in the right place. As for motivation at home... it's still a lotto's odds that I'll get to what needs done. The most helpful thing there is a relatively strict routine and a cleaning service

Is it possible for you to record your answers in a more anonymous way, like typing them out for the therapist to read later? You're pretty expressive on these forums. Can you share these writings with the therapist?

I absolutely agree with the consensus here. It is quite alright to ask another person their motives if you are confused by their actions. Additionally, it is your duty to make the line between friend and partner and then decide, based on her behavior, if she deserves to be a part of your life. PS ~ I barely remember my high school days and short friendships. You're just learning from experience what kind of girl you'll keep in the end. Clearly, this one is on the "no" list

Sadly, I can relate with much of your trouble. I might be off, but this is what I gathered from your post: 1) you didn't get to experience a true "coming of age", and 2) you want to find out what/who you'll be when you grow up. I'm no counselor, but just like you, I walked away from several unimaginable life events. It's an excellent genetic trait to have, survivability. But with each survival there's a loss of the ability to build. To be the survivor, you have to strive just to meet the bare minimums of life. I found that once life became calm and I had no more need to protect myself from harm that I had no skill set for moving beyond the bare minimum. I had the desire, but no clue about how to get there. You seem to be stuck in minimum land and since you don't know how to build forward, avoid the dilemma by reading. So, what do you do now? I have no clue, but I can tell you that's not found in a relationship. Right now, it's your job to move forward and find out who you're going to be. There's no sense in finding a life mate for the stranger you're going to become. Here's a great website that guides the "stuck" into becoming unstuck. http://www.flylady.net/ I'm not sure who the Fly Lady is, but the website provides a virtual life coach to get where you need to go. Day one of the program is a great indicator of the help you'll get there, "Day 1: Shine the kitchen sink." That's it! From there, the group can lead you with the tiniest of baby steps from stuck to liberated.

You are bothered by constant worries and being a good little worrier, you worry about it. I can't tell you that I know how much it affects your life but I sure can relate to the problem! I can offer some suggestions based on my experience. Forgive me if this gets long! Sleep Have a bedtime and stick to it! Worries come from feeling a loss of control. Start killing worries by taking control of your bedtime. Find a bedtime routine. What do you do before bed? Take note of it and make it routine. The routine establishes a body schedule. Here's mine: 830: snack and TV or paperwork 930: bath 1000: pick out clothes 1030: bed Your body needs a long lead time to prepare itself for bed. Starting about 2 hours before bed, every night, practice the same routine as often as possible. Tame your worries. Sounds crazy, but it can be done. First, make a list of what you worried about last night. Then, as you review your list, imagine what you'd do to fix each worry if you only had 3 minutes. (worry) The neighbor was way out of bounds when he said that to me, I'm mad and hurt. (3 min. solution) Let him know that I understand his concerns and will address them, but in the future I expect him to speak to me with respect. The solution doesn't have to be "right" or even acheivable. Remember, you only have 3 minutes to act and you're doing the best you can. Take a distraction to bed. Mom's worldwide disagree, but do it anyhow. (This isn't an instant fix and requires practice.) You want something going on in the background that you can concentrate on. I play audio books while I sleep. At first, I'd try to picture every word the reader said. Kind of like reading along. You can do it with soft music, even a fan. Try to visualize the blades spinning. This saved my life! I can't hear an audio book in bed anymore. I fall asleep as soon as it starts. Nutrition Take a multivitamin. Avoid caffeine after 10am. You already know this, but eat a balanced diet. It matters more than most people think. Exercise It's a hard choice to make. I've never really done well here but here are some things you can do to get a start: (I do most of these crazy things) At work or school take the stairs. Have to walk to the bosses office? Walk halfway, then go back to where you started before going all the way to her office. Skip to the bathroom. Park farther from the store. Walk 100 steps outside every day. Increase that by 10 or 20 every week until you just feel like you want to keep going. Play with a pet! ~~ Don't be afraid to tell your doctor about your problems. Right now, get your bedtime routine going. I really think you can get a handle on that! Then try to work on the bed distraction (other people don't count). You might have to try a few things there. Remember that it doesn't work right away. It takes practice, but it will change the way you think about sleep. I didn't discover this until after 40! Keep in touch if you need, I have millions of ideas every single minute!

Constant worrying is on a few symptom lists, anxiety and depression come to mind. My experience with constant worrying was during a time of extreme stress. How does your big picture look, are you worrying about actual events or pre-worrying about events that might take place? The best solutions for stress are ironically the same solutions for living a healthy life. Exercise: lots of it! Exercise is proven to reduce stress and increase overall health (including anxiety and depression) Maybe a tired body is just too tired to worry Stay away from simple carbs and caffeine. Both will put you on a roller coaster of energy levels. Your brain wants your energy to stay constant! Regulate your sleep. Get a before bed routine and stick to it. Your body will learn to start winding down during this routine for a good night's sleep.

Heh, according to my shrink, I'm hyper-focusing and being able to break the spell momentarily is a female "caretaker" trait. I have an incredible amount of insight and he's helped me understand the stupid things that I do. Unfortunately, understanding is only the first step. We are constantly trying new ways to outsmart my ADD but it sure is a slow process. I had hoped someone might be crazy like me and have some clues about how to drive this brain. So far, the only sure-to-work answer is external pressure when it comes to my job. I really want to drive myself and keep my awesome job. You don't get many ADD on this forum Does anyone know of a good forum for us who are backwards wired?

You should have a conversation with him about this. But do it when you and he are content, maybe over a good meal. 1) But first, ask yourself, "Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person act this way?" This question can help you with patience and seeing reasons for why hubby, who you care a lot, about acts in crazy ways. It goes something like this: you: what's wrong him: (thinking) wow, there's so much wrong, I just don't how to say it and how could anyone understand, that makes me mad! (saying) Nothing. (feeling) I'm so mad! you: (saying) OK (thinking) oh, now we get to have an argument in 10 minutes (feeling) suspense/tense him: (thinking) see, my problems are so bad even my wife doesn't want to hear them. I can feel how tense she is. I hate my problems and now my wife doesn't love me! (saying) you ignore me and so you don't love me (feeling) she makes everything wrong He's gone irrational now and you're both stuck in that same old pattern of argument. Understand how your conversations escalate. 2) Get your motives right. Ask yourself, "What do I really want for me, for him, and for our relationship?" People tend to look for what they want. "I want to cope; I want to stay in my comfort zone; I want someone else to fix everything." That can feel selfish and short-term to other person. Asking all three parts of this question will help your motives become mutual and long-term. In this case, what do you want for you? To not have to anticipate his every need? What do you want for your hubby? To respectfully solve problems? And what do you want for your relationship? More communication, less judgment, more sharing, less stress? Get your motives right and then start a conversation. 3) Start with safety. You don't want bad feelings around before you even start the conversation. 4) A good way to start is by telling him what you don't intend and do intend so you can remove any worries up front. "I'd like to share an observation I've made about how we communicate. I do not want not to be critical; what I want to do is try to understand and see if there are some ways we could improve. Would that be okay?" If he gets defensive, you may need to re-think your motives. 5) "I've noticed that we have a pattern of arguing some issues until they create stress. For example, we talked about sex until we were complaining about everything in the bedroom. And then it exploded into arguments and hurt feelings. Can we talk about this and how to make things better?" This method takes a lot of practice to get right, but that's OK. People know when you're trying to have a heart to heart, non-judgmental conversation. They'll forgive you if you get messed up in the middle. FYI, This is something we practice at work. The ideas are well explained in the book Crucial Conversations.

I'm sorry that you're feeling alone. I'm a relative new-comer this forum but I can assure you that if you need to feel understood or even recognized as a human there are plenty of people here to help you with that.

I became very fixed on making me the best employee I can be this year. I'm trusted to be on track and the reality is that I am as far behind as a year on some projects. The hospital is dying to save money and I'm really scared that my secret will get out and I'll be gone. I have really conquered some things, like not staying home from work. With my unstructured-free-to-be-me work schedule, I was staying home at least 4 days a month. That is going really well. But I'm deeply worried about my productivity. I've found that I really need outside triggers to get on task. The lists are good at the start of the day. I make the list before I go home and leave it right in front of my chair for the next morning. I start out with the first thing on the list and usually keep going. Starting is my biggest struggle. But once I get distracted or find something "shiny", I'm out for the day. I had Outlook reminders for tasks but tend to just click past them without reading. For a couple of weeks, I've been trying an alarm that rings every 2 hours on the iphone. It does a good job of getting my attention but it seems like I just can't drag myself away from the distractions. For instance today, it rang at 11, I acknowledged the ring, read the message, tapped the alert window and went right back to trying to find a digital organizer program. I use Outlook at work and every single task up til 2020 (research- keeping track of patients yearly) is right in front of me. I know what I need to do! Special note: I've been obsessively looking for the "perfect" iphone planner app for about 2 weeks (as long as 10 hours a day). There are only 3 or 4 really good options but I keep comparing them over and over. I wanted the app for graduate courses and house keeping. I laugh about the housekeeping because we've had to hire someone for that. Additionally, my next class isn't starting until Sept 2010! I wonder sometimes if a need to get a job with a nagging boss who watches over everything I do. I've been on this job for nearly 4 years and it surely is the only one where I've had to struggle to stay on task, but it's also the only job I've ever held more than a year. Most of all, it's the only job I've ever really loved. Is there some kind of tool that will yell at you for not paying attention? Can you get wake-up calls every 2 hours from a hotel? I feel pretty worthless this week, I haven't been through one chart and the week's goal is 4-5. How do beat the distraction? I really want to do a good job.

You are an 18 year old boy who loved his childhood friend. You didn't have sexual urges but you wanted to be his primary friend. That doesn't really mean anything, considering your age at the time. Some people have intense friendships. Female friendships, especially, are often love relationships. Many non-American cultures celebrate family-like relationships with friends. Are you from one of those cultures? I'm sorry to tell you that you can't decide "what you are" from that one incident. Love can't define your sexuality. Sometimes even sexual arousal can't even define that. If you find yourself wanting to spend your life with someone who feels the same way, then that is what you are. Part of a loving relationship. No labels.

I’ve been obsessing about the things I can’t do right. ADDers have many positives but I feel like I’m swirling down the toilet bowl right now in my negatives. My house is so disorganized that I’m embarrassed by it. I’d never invite anyone over. I don't have a few things out of place, either. I have piles of book, papers, clothes and just stuff covering every surface. I read once that ADDers like things out where we can see them. Apparently, our forgetfulness prevents us from finding things that are put away. I believe that I have an excellent memory except for car keys, glasses, pens, tools, pans, purchases… For me, at least, if something has a place I’ll know where that is but never keep it there. I get so distracted in the middle of a project that I’ll move on to a new one and I fail to put anything away from the first. Also, I don’t know how to get places for things, or even how to start. I wish I could make a step by step plan to organize my house but I can’t even get the project started. I feel so disgusted at myself. I buy things to organize with; shelves, boxes, drawers, etc. I can’t even make homes for those! Then, if by magic I do, I don’t know what to store in them. I can’t start tasks because I will never finish them. I might decide that I need to paint the kitchen. I go buy everything that I need, bring it home and leave it all in the shopping bags and never start painting. I can’t start painting because the walls need to be scraped, cleaned and taped. Then I start to think about cleaning up the post-paint mess and decided that I’ve had enough of that project already. It’s so much less stressful to just not start stuff. I really wish I could afford painters. I go out and buy groceries and get them home and inside. But by this time, I'm super tired the grocery shopping task. I get the cold stuff into the refrigerator and all the other bags stay on the kitchen floor. I'm thinking I'll do it later. I usually don’t… don’t even ask about the time I missed the chicken in the floor bags... during summer. I feel like I’m too lazy or crazy and sometimes think I just need to get a grip. I am smart, a college graduate, why can't I clean my house or put away my groceries, or put anything else away? I feel like a complete failure. Has anyone else overcome this? I don’t want to live in a mess, like some bum. I just don’t know how to start, or for that matter, finish. It’s very depressing.

I have to ask, is your wife's abuse documented at all? Abusive people don't target just one person in their lifetime. It's their way of responding to stress or anger. I fear that your kids are in danger. Perhaps she doesn't have a history of hurting them, verbally abusing them or anyone else. But abuse is an illness in itself. An angry, stressed abusive person being left alone with children scares the crap out of me.