Hunter

I sat down with mom today and had a heart to heart talk about the way she was treating me and I told her that I was not allowing it anymore. I told her that I was taking her to a doctor to get her meds checked out, but really I got a emergency meeting with a mental health worker. Apparently mom has never properly grieved for dad and she has underlying mental health issues. They have put her on some antidepressants and are making her see a mental health worker two times per week. If she refuses to go then I call them back and have her committed as she is threatening to harm herself. So I wll see how it goes. I also called a family meeting with my three other siblings and told them that as of today I was no longer doing this on my own. I gave each person a calendar of what they had to do for her and when they can pick her up and take her out on outings. If they fail to help me then again I will call and have mom picked up and placed in a mental health facilty. I am hoping that the meds will help her control her anger and her moods and her suicide threats. In the meantime I have my own therapist who is helping me out greatly. Without him, I honestly could not handle the life that I have lived. He provides me with a safe place and a safer person to tell him my struggles. So today is a much better day, compared to yesterday when I was feeling so out of control and so angry. thanks for all your comments

Yes I was a caregiver for my dad, I would drive to see him and take care of him, he lived two hours away. Now that dad is gone, I have the unfortunate task of taking care of my elderly mother and she is causing me so much grief. I cook her meals, do her laundry, make sure she takes her pills, insulin and is on oxygen day and night, and what do I get in return but verbal and physical abuse. As I write this today, she attacked me verbally and physically, I am at my wits end and I am calling the psychiatric center tomorrow to see what can be done to her, she is threatening suicide by taking a overdose of insulin, so I have hid her insulin and all her pills, so this does not happen. I dont know what to do, my life with my husband is at the point where it is greatly suffering and I dont know how much of this abuse I can take. I made my dad a deathbed promise to take care of her, but not like this, not like this at all. I am currently going through so many issues, grief, abuse from my mom and brother who molested me and my mother allowed it to happen. And issues from a abusive relationship too. I can't add this to my plate, I just emotionally cant deal with it. Can anyone offer any help? PLease I am in desperate need. I may even call the hospital to pick her up and then leave her there. I am also trying to get her evaluated by a mental health person. thanks

I WASN'T READY TO SAY GOODBYE BROOK NOEL AND DR. PAMELA BLAIR My therapist gave me his copy and it is a life saver. When my dad died I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown and have to be committed to a mental hospital, yeah that is how bad I was. After reading this book everything that I was going through was perfectly normal and expected in the grieving process. I don't feel so out of control since reading this book. I have since bought my own book and copies for everyone in my family and it was the best thing for us. Please if you are grieving, you absolutely need this book. It has helped in my grieving process and progress so much.

Irma Jean wrote I believe I read once that each person in your dreams is actually representative of some aspect of yourself. In this safe place you have with your therapist you are discovering different parts of yourself, learning to express yourself, learning to love yourself.. Wow, you should be my therapist. I sent my therapist the email about the dreams that I was having - and was totally scared to go see him today - I was so humuliated and ashamed to walk into his office - infact he had to come outside because I was waiting in my truck, and he said hey you were like this in June 2008 when you first came to me, he said I thought we had a grea therapeutic relationship - he said don't be getting scared of me - that he knows more about me than anyone and he will always be there for me. Anyway, my therapist said everything Irma Jean said. And that it is absolutely normal to have transference issues or in my case the sexual dreams. He said especially due to hubbys health that we are not able to make love, and that I have established so much trust with him. So hey I am feeling pretty normal

to everyone who has told me not to feel so bad about the dreams because for the past weeks I have been doing more self-hatred than I normally do. I will just accept the dreams and feel comforted knowing that I have a caring compassionate therapist. I am sending my therapist a email to explain to him that I am having these feelings so I wont have to tell him in person. And I know he will be great about it, he always is

I am going through many issues - from being molested from my brother to the repeated rapes from my former abuser. I am having the flashbacks that bring my past back to my present. I am feeling total exhaustion and body aches, headaches, physical and emotional symptoms. My therapist and doc have me on some meds that are helping me - each day is a struggle to just get out of bed, but I make it a point to do so. I was fortunate to have a severance package from my last employer so I am on sickness benefits and will look for another job in the coming year - one where I will not be sexually abused like in the last job. I have two mottos Against all odds, I will succeed Life is a journey - not a destination

I am going through so many issues, and it seems things just are piling up. I used to see my therapist every three weeks, now I am seeing him every week until things in my life settle down. When I am in a panic situation or the panic attacks are starting, I think back to when I am in my safe place talking to my therapist and he is telling me reassuring me that I am going to be ok, that this will pass -I hear his comforting words and this gets me back on track. The problem is that I am having sexual dreams about him and I want these dreams to stop. My therapist is awesome, like my best friend, but in no way do I like him in any other way. I know people have transference issues, but this is not the case. The only feelings that I have for my therapist are of extreme gratitude because he has saved my life. This is the honest to god truth, I was contemplating suicide at the time, but now all I want to do is live, because he has helped me understand and make sense of my life. So how do I get these dreams to stop - and stop now - I am sick to my stomach that I am waking up and we are making love in my dreams. I feel horrible that I am having these dreams. My husband and I don't make love due to his health, he is impotent. Even when we were making love years ago, it was fine, but I had the flashbacks of my past so much, I did not want to make love at all. Also do I tell my therapist this! thanks

You are definitely correct in saying that. When my brother molested me at age 12, this is what I did. I gained 50 pounds in 5 weeks and no one said a thing, I was a normal size person until the age of 12. Plus I wanted to be bigger to protect myself from people. Whenever something bad would happen to me, I would eat and eat. Now, I find myself binge eating now. - I don't eat for one day then the next day I eat for two days. My therapist called my doctor and we are having a consultation with the three of us for next week to discuss my meds and the way that I am feeling. I am thankful I have so many caring people in my life, Thank you again

I went to my therapist appt. yesterday and was feeling so bad, so alone, I was crying when I walked into his door. We talked about the thoughts I had of dying, and that I was doing much self hatred to myself. I even told him that I burned myself just to be able to feel something. My therapist is awesome. He knows how to lift my spirit and help me feel better instantly. He told me not to quit on life, that he would help me find meaning in my life. He also gave me his cell phone number and told me to call him day or night when I was feeling suicidal. He commented abnout the many good things in my life - being my husband, and told me that my dad is in my heart and he will always be there looking out for me. I love when he talks about my dad. We talked about my weight issue and that I am using food as a comfort. I used to use alcohol and pain meds in the past. He gave me some books to read to help me better understand what I am going through. He also told me that the medications I was on were also causing me to gain weight. Even though I was only scheduled for one hour, he cleared his schedule and we talked for two hours. He promised me that he would always be there for me when I felt alone or that I had no one to talk to. He has been my rock from day one, without him I would hate to think where I would be in my life. I left his office feeling so much better, so many reasons to live. He has a way of making me feel on top of the world, and this therapy session was no different. I am feeling better since talking to him. And I thank all the posters for caring about me and giving me their input and kind words. You don't me know, but care enough to offer compassion, and I really appreciate you all. I just had another family member pass away last night, so I am back to feeling sad. But my therapist has booked me another appt. for Friday. And when he is not talking to me in person, he gives me a call to ask how are you. He goes over and beyond what a therapist should do. He is one of a kind, and I am honored to have him taking care of me.

I read the advice from your posters and I really appreciate those who took the time to help me feel better. Thank you. It's been so hard for me this past month to jus get out of bed. I admit I am in a bad place right now. My brother is out of jail and hangs out at house everyday - I allow him to be there to fulfill my mothers codependence with him. Mom came to live with hubby and I because of mybrother going to jail, she needed someone to live with due to her diabetes and health condition. She has told my whole life what a accident and failure I would be my whole life, and now I am taking care of her when she never took care of me as a child. She allowed my molester brother to keep molesting me, she knew every night what he was doing to me. And now they expect me to take care of them. It's no wonder I eat and eat to make myself feel better, I should have stuck to drinking, then I would be two sizes smaller. I told my husband how I felt tonight, that I hate myself and it would be better if I were not around anymore. He freaked out and apologized for the fat jokes, and never thought they hurt me as much as they did. So what did he do, he called my therapist and told him to talk to me about it tomorrow. So now I dont even want to go to counseling. I know my therapist and I have made a big step in my healing, and now if I tell him that I don't want to live, he may think that there is something he failed to do to help me. And its not that at all. I was going to go to my therapist appt, and act like I was fine and everything was great. Now, I cant do this. I have to go to my appt and pour my heart out that I feel rock bottom. And things did not help any when at the maill, I seen one of the men who took part in raping me when I was in my abusive relationship. And he said hello to me like we were best friends. I told him to F* off and die. Tonight hubby wanted me to put on a fashion show with the clothes I bought, and he said I looked great. I wish he would be hones with me and just tell me the truth. He says I am smart, loving, caring and a wonderful wife. He tells me what he knows. (the honest truth is that he knows nothing about me - he does not know that I was molested, or how my mother treated me, he does not know that I was anally raped repeatedly for 8 years, because I could not get away from the abusive relationship, because he beat my family black and blue when I would not come back to him, he does not know that I had a abortion from being raped he knows nothing about my past) Sometimes I feel like such a fraud because I have not told him this, even my therapist said that my husband will still love me if I tell him all the bad things, but with my low self esteem, I dont believe it. Well I spent the whole day crying and hating myself so much. Tomorrow morning I see my therapist, so hopefully he can pick me up. take care all Its nice to know that this community is so caring I really need to feel like someone cares so thank you all I hope tomorrow I feel better

I have finally hit my rock bottom again, but not so sure I want to even pick myself up. I have been a overweight child ever since I was 12 when my brother molested me. I use food to help myself feel better. I started seeing a therapist in 2008 and was drinking myself to make myself feel better and was using over counter pain meds in excess to dull the pain. My therapist has helped me feel better so as not to use alcohol anymore. But now I have been using food instead of alcohol and I have really gained more weight. Even my husband says I gained more weight and sometimes I see him looking at me in disgust. We have no mirrors in the house. Today I went clothes shopping because in the next couple months I want to look for another job. But after today, I just want to throw myselfin frontof a bus and I really mean it. I had to buy a size 22 pants and blouse today, and I looked so disgusting in the mirror. I hate myself so much that I think I am not going to go in public anymore. Tomorrow I have a therapist appt and I dont even think I am going to go to it. I dont want him to have to look at a ugly fat cow. I am so ugly and fat that no one is going to ever look at me and consider me for a job. I hate myself so much, I have always hated myself but now I am so sure of it even more with the weight.

thank you for the research information. I was up until 2 this morning researching his illness and found out so much information. I now realize that it is a brain disease that is genetic, and heritidary - that he did nothing to cause this illness. I am understanding that his life is already difficult for him, and I have to be more kind to him. The way I have been treating him is not good for anyone. I felt so bad because last night I lierally pushed him out of my house because of my anger over his bizarre symptoms. I then cried for hours because I was angry with myself for doing this. The look of hurt on his face was heartbreaking. I picked him up for supper and we went out for pizza at a restaurant. I don't want to avoid places because I am ashamed of him. The way I am acting I am ashamed of myself. We had a good talk and I apologized for my behavior and we had a good talk. I told him that I have not been so nice to him and I will try my hardest to be a better person - sister. So its, a start- but it rests all on me, even with his illness, he has a heart of gold and is always thinking about how he can help people. Today in all was a good day.

My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 17, he is now 44. Because of the stigma my parents refused him to get hm the meds he needed. When he became a adult he also refused to take the meds. Due to his symptions, and behavior I find it very imporssible to have a relationship with him. Part of the reason for my anger is that he refuses to get help and treatment, so it's like he does not care to get better. I as his youngest sister, try to get along with him, but each time it ends as a screaming match, mostly because I am angry at his condition. I can't help it. I feel horrible for not being able to have a decent sister brother relationship with him. And I am having issues of my own when it comes to illnesses. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression from losing my father and father in law in the past year. How can I better understand his illness, and help him, rather than be angry at him for somerthing he has no control of. And so I don't have to feel guilty everytime we have a argument. Are there any good books out there that I can read to better help himself be a better person to him. I personally am not proud at the way that I am acting, and he sure can't be happy with me either. Please help me, I love my brother, but you would never know it by the way we get along, or in this case don't get along.

I have read all the comments and they are great, and yes this site is also great. I know that if I want to feel better mentally, then I have to feel better physically. And I did talk to my therapist today and he wants me to also have the physical examintation to make sure that all is well with me. And they are going to re-evaluate the meds that I am currently on, to make sure that I am getting all the help that I am getting. So I have one scheduled for one month, and I will try not to let my anxiety about it get the best of me. And I thank you for telling me the truth - not to put on a happy face when you are dying on the inside. I have gone to my therapists office and he asked how I was and I said great, all is fine. I am too sure that he believed me because he kept prying me for more information. All I got out of the deal was that I masked all my true emotions and paid $ 100 for basically lying to my therapist. I did email him today and tell hin everything tha was going on inside me- I seem to be better at emailing him before the session when I have anxiety about what we are going to talk about. So i am glad that he accepts my emails. thanks you guys are great

I have gone through hell and back, some of you have read my story see new members. My question, is how do you pick yourself up when you are at rock bottom. I lost a great paying job that I loved and thought was going great. I had some bumps in the road, death of my dad, and finding my father in law in bed dead, and many of my traumas came hitting me in the face. I took a couple weeks off from work and thought I could keep things going like before the shit happened, but could not. My boss never gave me a chance, I knew my work was suffering but instead they tell me they are eliiminating my position, only to hire someone next month. Now, the thought of looking for another job makes me ill. After I left this job, I took a very menial job typing and filing, and somedays I sucked at this job too. When my boss became verbally abusive to me, I Quit and went on sickness benefits. I have been off work two months and am wanting to get back to work but myh self esteem has taken more of a blow. I have gained more weight, to add to my already obese body. I even call myself a fat cow. I am my worst critic. And I have so much anxiety over the thought of even looking for a job telling myself who the hell would want to hire a fat person when they can hire a slender woman. I hate myself and my body so much. My doctor wants me to have a physical exam and I refused so now he is thiniking of cancelling me as a patient, and this doc has helped me with meds to help my brain get back on track but he says he cant continue to see me without a complete physical. I hate looking at myself how will the doc feel except being grossed out. any comments are greatly appreciated